Mayberry Moments

One of my favorite things about Mayberry is the citizens’ names. Whether they are real (like Verbena Halfwassen) or nicknames (like Smoke), I just find them humorous, and I really think you would too. The problem here is that I use very few “real” names here on BG, for fear of a) outing my real identity (and losing my day job, and my ability to stalk people on Instagram under an alias) and b) embarrassing folks.

Now, I know I’ve probably embarrassed a person or two here in the past, but it’s all in good fun (#Mouse #Smoke #SpotSue).  I’d love to share all the funny names and nicknames of the Mayberrians (and the surrounding towns), but I don’t want to earn a new nickname of The Village Bitch, so I will only share a few favorites (and I will keep the backstories to a minimum).

Favorite Mayberry nicknames (and some from surrounding towns):

Dutch and Torch (a married couple)

Lefty (Edith and Myrtle’s grandpa)

Skid Loader (a woman in town- also a piece of small farm machinery, for you non-farmers)

Smoke (duh)

Mouse (duh x2)

Woz (not sure you’ve heard of him yet- a good family friend)

Poop and Cry (a set of brothers, nicknamed this way by their father, because “all they did was poop and cry”)

I don’t know that many, so I asked MamaG for some other good ones. “Well, Weiner and Little Weiner. Pickles. He’s from back in the day. Tex. Tweet and Little Tweet. Ask your dad. He knows ’em all.”

So I take myself inside and find Smoke, who immediately asks if I “need him” so I inform him of my Mayberry nickname mission: “What? Real ones from around here? (like we need to make this stuff up, Dad?) Well, up on the hill… (that’s Smoke Speak for dead/in the cemetery) Windy. That was _______. Thunder Lung and Mega Mouth up in Garner. (where we lived until we moved back to Mayberry when Bev was in 3rd grade) _____ was Tumor.” (chuckles to himself)

Then he and MamaG turn this into a conversation and I can’t even type fast enough as they popcorn off each other, and then mention one certain class that had a lot of nicknames, including Fox, Motor, Slob, Blob, Big Syph¹ and Little Syph, and Kaboobies.

I walk back out to the porch where I’m typing up my post when he yells, “Benny Rabbit,” as I walk out the door. Then he comes outside. “Then we got Honker.” (I literally had to stop him there, as I couldn’t remember the ones they’d already said, and this post would’ve never been finished and published. (Don’t worry my dear BevHive; I’ll start keeping a running list of new ones, and I’m sure Smoke and MamaG [and other Mayberrians who read this post when it goes live] will start remembering more).

And, finally, I’ve got to pay homage to my absolute fav, who happens to be in my parents’ house right now (long story that can’t be shared for fear of blowing my cover)

Walking Eagle (also known as Walkin’ Eag…)

Now, I don’t know where all of these names come from, but I do know that one.

Walking Eagle… ‘cuz he’s too full o’shit to fly.

You’re welcome.

-Bev

¹Bev:”Wait, how do you spell that?” (thinking sith? sieve? sif?)
Smoke: “Well, it’s short for syphilis. You tell us. We never wrote it.” 

*NNSFW means NOT not suitable for work, if you were wondering….

Well, guys, Grandma did get kinky at the lake, but not in the way that you might expect after one drinks Bacardi…

Just cracks me up. And I am sleeping well, knowing Grandma’s (and Grandpa’s) liquor cabinet is fully stocked, whenever they choose to crack into it!

In other news, my trip to Mayberry is wrapping up, as I am set to leave Friday morning. I’m sure I’ll have a few more updates from here in the next few days and weeks, but for now, I am pretty excited about Friday and possibly Saturday night(s). You see, my best friend from college recently moved to a city in between Mayberry and MyCity. I am so happy that she and her husband and kids will be closer, and in a very convenient stopping place for me when road trippin’ between my homes. Anyway, I call this friend “Mom” (and many other variations of mother…) and she has been exploring her new city…

Note for those of you less familiar with the Midwest, Hy-Vee is a grocery store. So, depending on where you live, this would basically be equivalent to planning a night out with your bestie at Publix, Albertson’s, Trader Joe’s, or Kroger…

Needless to say, I can’t wait to meet Diane.

-Bev

If you don’t know what gravel travel is, I feel sorry for you, let me explain. It’s driving around on gravel roads with icy cold beverages. Gravel travel tends to be popular among the high school set (or at least it was in the late 90s, early 2000s), so it’s been a hot minute since Bev has participated. Last night, however, I got to spend some quality time with my girl, Edith. Edith met my family and me at The Henning House, and after some cornfed steaks and juicy burgers, we set out to Edith’s parents’ house to have some drinks, as her parents were gone (wait, maybe we are still in high school). On our way to Edith’s, her grandma called her and asked Edith to stop at her (grandma’s) house to pick up a couple bottles of booze. Edith’s grandparents have a lake house you see, and they are up there for the weekend, apparently in dire straits concerning the liquor cabinet! (there are liquor stores 10-15 miles away, but… grandmas… ) So, Edith and I packed up a cooler of CLs and hit the rocky trail to Grandma’s house. After a short pit stop to pick up the garage opener at her uncle’s, we also learned we had to find her grandpa’s phone, which was either going to be on the counter, or in his pants pocket on the pants hanging on the bedroom door. #GrandpaLyfe

We were able to quickly locate the booze and phone, and get back to our booze cruise, and I can’t wait for a Snapchat of Grandma and Grandpa drinking a cocktail on the boat tonight.

-Bev

P.S.- The phone was in a little holster on Grandpa’s belt (on the pants hanging on the bedroom door), in case you were wondering.

Well, guys, after some wedding fun and a lot of hours in cars, Bev is back in Mayberry. I headed straight to the nearby city to urgent care and got pills for the sinus infection I’ve had for a week, and haven’t done a whole lot since I’ve been here. I’m hoping these antibiotics kick in soon, because I’ve got some things to share with you all (road-tripping with Smoke and MamaG, small-town encounters, and a gym class near Mayberry). For now, I’m hitting the hay early, as Bessie and I have an early workout tomorrow, and then a “day of fun” with our dear nieces. You know, a scavenger hunt to different locations for different snacks and minute to win it games, topped off with a dip in Uncle Bart’s pool, and dirt cups. (We’re not like regular aunts, we’re cool aunts)

Anyhow, I did want to check in here and share one thing I don’t think I’ve ever told you guys about when I visit Mayberry. Whenever someone our family knows dies, MamaG saves the funeral “program” (is that what it’s called?) and puts it on the bookshelf in my room. Great uncles, old family friends, etc.

Because, let me tell ya, nothing says, “Welcome home,” like a picture of your (now dead) third grade teacher.

-Bev

As I told you guys, I was bummed to be away from the small midwestern town I call home for the 4th of July (one of my favorite holidays). I asked some friends and family members to keep me in the loop, and they did not disappoint. Let’s check out a good old-fashioned Mayberry Independence Day, shall we? (note: Mayberry’s celebration always takes place the Saturday before the 4th, so these events took place Saturday and Sunday..)

Let’s start with some photographic evidence of MamaG’s face painting skills- Aunt Polly (Smoke’s sister) got in on the action as well. *Please take note of their “I Love Mayberry” shirts. These were made as a fundraiser a few years ago to raise money for the Mayberry Quasquicentennial. 

What’s a small town Independence Day without a little bags tourney?

After the carnival, everybody goes home for a while to rest up and get ready for the evening’s festivities. You know, the maid-rite supper, the kiddie parade, the drawing, and the fireworks (followed by afties at Henning House). Smoke got pretty fancy for the night.

Oh, you might be wondering what the “maid-rite supper” is. Allow me to enlighten you.

Feast your eyes on the pies, guys. (Sorry, I couldn’t stop rhyming) Yeah, those pies are donated by all the ladies from the legion, and let me tell ya- ain’t no Pillsbury crusts on that table.

This next photo is quite possibly the best picture I’ve ever posted here on BG. That’s Marlys on the right. She works the cash drawer at the maidrite supper, and it’s possibly my favorite part of the Mayberry 4th of July. Marlys and her husband Nate (stay tuned) are good family friends, and I definitely asked MamaG before I posted her photo here. Marlys comes to Smoke and MamaG’s house every year for a Christmas tea, and she can add up a plate of maid-rite, potato salad, pie, and a can of pop, etc. faster than anyone I’ve ever met. And, no, she doesn’t give discounts.

While you sit in the shelterhouse, enjoying your maid-rite and pie(s), you’ve got the added bonus of being serenaded by Dan. Dan is a local of a town near Mayberry, and he sets up every year with his accordion, and his flat bed trailer and plays dinner music. He has a sign that says “Dan’s One Man Band” but no one was able to capture that for me. You’ll see the sticker on his Festiva, though. Dan drives a Festiva because of course he does.

Following supper and musical entertainment, there’s a kiddie parade. The kids put on costumes, and literally walk maybe 20 yards through the park and back, and they used to give out prizes, but now I think each kid gets a dollar (because you know, ‘everyone gets a ribbon’- UGH). I would like to point out that Tin Cup and I dressed as Batman and Catwoman one year, and I’m pretty sure we won. Following the parade, there’s also a drawing. Tickets are sold leading up to the event, and also at a card table set up that evening, and prizes for the drawing range from a case of motor oil (won that once), to an “autographed” Scottie Pippen basketball (also won that), to an “indestructible” knife set (also mine), to Henning House gift cards (which my niece, Margaret, won when she was five. A bar gift card. Classic.), to gift cards to the local ice cream parlor a few miles down the highway (Smoke and 9-months-pregnant Keith won those, and both were quite jazzed about their loot. I’m like, whatever, guys, it’s no case of oil, but go on with you bad selves…). Kids get a fudgesicle after the drawing, and shortly after, the fireworks begin! I don’t have as much photographic evidence of these portions of the evening, but remember Marlys? (you better) Here’s her husband, Nate, selling raffle tickets. He, too, gives no discounts. (Nate’s in the middle. The guy on the right is married to the woman in the photo with Marlys [John and Shirley Clemons], and I’m honestly not sure who the fella on the left is- MamaG can let us know when the post goes live).

After the fireworks, you have 2 choices… a) go home, or b) go to the Henning House for cocktails. Well, as you may guess, most of my friends and family end up at the Henning House, and I was unbelievably bummed not to be there.

My good friends Agatha and Henrietta rounded out the pre-4th weekend with some moped rides. Reminiscing on the old days! #MopedGangForLyfe

What a wonderful weekend had by all in and around Mayberry.

-Bev

Because Marlys deserves a second look, OK, guys?

As much as I like to visit, it’s not often that I wish I lived back in Mayberry. I have grown accustomed to the “city life” and don’t ever see myself living more than 5 miles from a sushi restaurant, a Target, a grocery store, or a bar. However, I would give almost anything to be in Mayberry this weekend, for many reasons.

1. Fireworks. And, yes, I know that everywhere has fireworks. I prefer my explosives to be shot off mere blocks from where I parked my car, and in close proximity to the Henning House. Ain’t nobody got time for Ubers to get to, and crowds to watch with, OK?
2. Aunt Sue and Uncle Bart’s pool. Again, can I find a pool in MyCity? Of course I can, you fool. But is it free? No. Is it near a fridge full of cold beer (sometimes stocked by me, but mostly stocked by Aunt Sue)? No. Is there a potential that I could try to shoot some birds? No.
3. Mayberry Mania. There are some events that epitomize small Midwestern towns happening in Mayberry this weekend. A carnival hosted by the Mayberry Library, probably a firemen’s pancake breakfast, most likely some outdoor church services and the like. Goddamn, I’d love to get my hands on some pancakes and little smokies made by the Mayberry volunteer firefighters, but that’s not going to happen this year for the 4th. However, I’d like to realign your attention on the Mayberry Library carnival. Now, I have to give a little shoutout to the Mayberry Library here. I can’t give out too much information without revealing the actual location of Mayberry (the firemen and the library ain’t ready for the crowds, y’all), but it’s a sweet little library, and many of my friends and family members are involved/on the board/volunteer/donate, etc. (MamaG was even the Library Board President for a while, guys.) Bev is still a card-holding member of the library, and often utilizes it for its books and movies when she’s home (Library card #543 if anyone is wondering). Anyhoo, the real reason I wish I was back in Mayberry today has to do with the carnival. As I just mentioned, a lot of my friends and family members are involved with the library. And today? It’s all hands on deck for the event. I mean, they’ve got a petting zoo (literally just animals from people’s farms- none of this “rent a pony” shit), hot dogs, inflatable shit, and face painting. And guess who I just talked to who was headed “into town” to paint faces? You guessed it! The one and only MamaG! I laughed so hard I nearly lost my bath towel on our FaceTime chat, and she rolled her eyes, but promised to send me some pictures of her artwork. Mayberry friends and fam: please document these masterpieces and send them my way!

Go get ’em, MonetG!

-Bev

Well, guys, I really wanted to post this last Friday, but it turns out I was staying at a condo in the middle of nowhere, with no wifi. I didn’t even know that was possible, but apparently, it is, and I wasn’t able to throw this bitch out there. You see, last weekend was all about celebrating cousin Bessie, and I wanted the world to see this stellar pic of her. I also wanted to follow up with my most recent (surprise) F.A.F., as this is the “bummer car” I spoke of (in reference to putting Mario in the front seat). I’m not sure if I mentioned it or not, but cousin Bessie loved the bummer car, and she just happened to find a photo of herself standing in front of it the same week that I posted about the ol’ jalopy! 

Bessie and the Bummer Car. #RelationshipGoals

If you aren’t sure whether or not you know cousin Bessie, you may also know her as Animal_nut_23, as that was her first email address handle.

Cheers to Bess! (and the bummer car)

-Bev

P.S.- Remind me to tell you the story of when Smoke and MamaG sold the bummer car. Pretty epic shit.

Bev took a long weekend and headed to somewhere in middle America to celebrate cousin Bessie. Bessie’s wedding is coming up and this weekend was her epic bachelorette bash. The weekend included (but is not limited to)¹:

-25 ladies split between 2 condos
-an unexpected zipline for some participants
-a Toyota Yaris with no cruise control, center console/arm rest, or remote to lock/unlock from outside
-2 clogged toilets
-a seasick chick who is also terrified of drowning, wearing a life vest while alternating between lying down on and puking off of our boat, then spending nearly $200 on shots during the 3-hour boat ride
-MamaG and Aunt Sue cleaning puke out of their bedroom carpet
-a broken hide-a-bed which caused 2 fairly grisly injuries (see picture below. The other injury involves a slice down the middle of another one of the attendees’ face… and said attendee is getting married in 5 days)
-a very in-depth conversation about (and discovery of one friend’s very real fear of) dry sockets
-speaking of irrational fears, one attendee consistently asking if she still had her teeth following the boat ride
-dancing with a senior citizen wearing a bolo tie
-the boat bartender handing us a bottle of Tito’s when the boat captain wasn’t looking
-6 pounds of nacho cheese (amongst at least 100 pounds of other food)
-boat dancing that can never be discussed again
-Jell-o shots in a Walmart bag
-Uncle Bart’s cigars (unbeknownst to him)
-an ID-less, debit card-less bride to be

Needless to say, Bev is a bit tired tonight, and is going to bed. It’d be real nice if Beyoncé and JayZ could release the names of their kids so I could sleep, though.

-Bev

¹Names and identities have been left out to protect the innocent.

Aunt Sue is gunning for Smoke as most popular Bev feature.

2 hours later….

Well, Sue, the world wants to know- what’s in the mug?

-Bev (and the Bevhive)

Guys, remember Spot Sue Saturday? You know, where Uncle Bart incessantly takes pictures of Aunt Sue on vacation, and adds them all to Snapchat? If not, you can reminisce here, here, here, and here.

Well, we’ve got a special edition here today, because Uncle Bart, Aunt Sue, and Bessie had a fuuuuun night in our college town last night (I say “our” because nearly all the members of my family attended school here at some point, and it holds a special place in all our hearts).

*faces and most location names covered to protect the… alcocent? 

Hope you had a great time, Aunt Sue, and that someone got you some blue Gatorade this morning!!! I hope to see this behavior replicated in just a few weeks at Bessie’s bachelorette party!!

-Bev