Weird Quarantine Activities

We’re all passing the time in weird ways right now, right?¹

A few weeks ago I was graciously invited to, and participated in, a “Family Dance Party” Zoom.

It went like this:

*I join in on my friend Melva and her husband and two little boys absolutely jammin’ in their living room. Cool. I pour myself a freshie and tune in. (no one else is here yet)

*Another family joins. The awkward turn-on-camera, check-mic, adjust-hair moments take place with Mom and two kids. Then Dad comes in. Shirtless. Dad doesn’t realize this is a “group project” of sorts and exclaims, “Who’s that girl in the corner?” Introductions take place.

*The boy of Family 1 is obsessed with his Nintendo (Switch? GameBoy? PS4? I don’t know WTF it was called but he starts talking about it nonstop to my friend’s two boys who are trying to dance it out).

*Family 2 joins. There’s a baby and a 2-ish-year-old girl. Family 2’s participation level is about 28% from the jump. There is a lot going on at their house and the camera just sits propped up on the floor somewhere in their living room.

*Single friend of friend joins. Jokes about us singletons being pedophiles are made. You know, good old pedo humor!

*Nintendo kid (Family 1) is still yammering on about the game.

*A dog walks by (Family 2).

*Dads are drinking Busch Lattes. (Family 1 and 2)

*There’s a baby crying in the distance. (Family 2?)

*”Back That Ass Up” comes on. Families 1 and 2 must not know Melva well because they inquire about the “family-friendly” portion of the invitation. Melva laughs. So do Single friend-of-friend and I. Melva does not change the song.

*Family 1 parents have straight given up and Nintendo Boy is just… playing Nintendo. His little sister is in a Cabela’s sweatshirt and a diaper. His dad is asking us all for the best deviled egg recipe/ingredients. I have nothing to contribute because deviled eggs make me gaggy.

*The dog walks by again and kinda parks its nipples right in front of the camera. Nipples? Udders? In any case, it’s an anatomy lesson I did not need.

*Oldest child from Family 2 stands (sort of) in the camera, eating what appears to be a Chick-fil-A sauce. From the packet. I text Single Friend-of-Friend. We are curious. We think it was actually a Kinder egg thing (?). I have never had one of those (or even seen one, honestly) but I think I’d rather eat the Chick-fil-A sauce.

*The (same?) baby is crying again.

*Bev catches a buzz and uses a bottle of Kim Crawford as a mic for a little Gwen Stefani.

Nearly two weeks later, and I wonder if the baby is still crying and I know that one dude is still playing his damn Nintendo.

-Beverly “Literally Whatever Floats Your Boat” Goldenstein

¹I Lysoled my Lysol today.