Bevvy G

Guys.

GUYS.

I’m still here! I mean, I literally don’t know when I last logged in to this account, and by the looks of my site traffic, neither do you. But it’s OK. We’ve all got shit goin’ on, and if you know me well, you know I’ve got SHIT. going. on. So, logging in to the ol’ blogosphere here just hasn’t held priority for a few months. 

But today? TODAY?

Today kicks off something good. 

I mean, maybe. If you’re into Bev actually blogging, it’s good. Because today marks the beginning of a daily series. You read that right. Daily. For thirty days. Me, posting something. Here. Every day. 

November is a month of giving thanks, and for the next twenty-nine days, your world will be opened up to a new thing for which Bev is grateful. I mean, some will be obvious (cough, Silver Bullets, cough), but others will not. You may even learn something new about your ol’ pal, Bev.

Like how she has recently started taking a new medication that has been life-changing. (no, it’s not Viagra, Mouse) Or how Bev stays abreast of the latest and greatest news.

But for today, friends, I want you to know I’m thankful for you. All sixty-goddamn-three of you who subscribe to (and maybe never actually read) this blog, and the other five or six who check in occasionally. I’m thankful for every view, every comment, and every Bev reference you make- to me, or to others new to Bev. 

Also, I’m thankful for how nobody really gives a damn when I go “dark” for three months, but then also still reads when I come crawling out of the Woodford Reserve….  I mean, woodwork.

-Bev

P.S.- I’m also thankful for the Parent Trap movies. Both of them. (Yes, I’m looking at little Lindsay Lohan sending Meredith out onto a lake on an air mattress right now. Never gets old.)

Oh, guys. 

OH, GUYS.

We’re up to Teacher Appreciation Week in the newspaper, and I just want to present this extremely ironic photo.

The one that explains the misspelled quotes being featured from studets. I literally have nothing else to say…

-Bev

This week’s STSS isn’t really a funny one, but we could all use a feel-good story every now and then, right?

Well, enter, Frank B.

Frank B., 80, left his home near Mayberry in his 2001 Buick LaSabre one night and went missing. There were some sightings of Frank at various gas station in the tri-state area (one at 3:30 am!), and eventually, Frank B. was found in the next state over.

Phew.

Hope all is well, Frank B.

Edited to add: I don’t know Frank B. and I don’t think I even know anyone who knows Frank B. I’m just glad Frankie was found alive, guys. I’m not so glad that they put his story on the last page of the paper though. Come on, Small Town Sentinel. You’re better than this.

-Bev

I’m going to take a short break in posting news from The Small Town Sentinel, because we’ve received a pot of gold from another nearby paper- this one a paper out of River City with a much larger circulation. 

The day this article was published, I received emails from Uncle Bart and Mama G with an hour. Actual title? “Pasta salad evidence leads to stolen vehicle arrest in Swale.”

I mean, sweet Jesus.

Can you imagine how pissed you would be if you got arrested because someone found your Walmart Deli Amish macaroni salad? 

-Bev

March 22, 2018 and LOTS of goings-on in The Small Town Sentinel, guys!

A West Falls school bus was involved in a traffic accident (no one was injured, thank goodness), two local kids fight against cancer (small towns rally together for lots of fundraisers), and my boy, T-Fisch penned a hard-hitting and heartfelt goodbye to Toys “R” Us titled Eulogy for a giraffe. In the article, he refers to Toys “R” Us’ initial decline as a death spiral and blames part of the problem on the way the internet has hit the retail world like an asteroid, creating an environment where only the most adaptable can survive. Unfortunately for Toys “R” Us in this metaphor, they are a dinosaur. Big, slow, ill-suited for their new environment, and fated for extinction. Fisch really goes for the jugular at the end of the article, leaving us with this last sentence: “We can remember Geoffrey the Giraffe, but we’re gonna have to live without him.” Goddamn, T-Fisch.

Another hot topic this week was the Dougherty soup supper. As I mentioned in Dougherty’s introduction (found here), it’s known as a sort of Little Ireland, and very proudly celebrates all things Irish and Catholic. As expected, Dougherty’s light really shines around St. Patrick’s Day when the population in the town probably doubles and they hold a yearly soup supper/competition. I have attended this event once in my life, I think, but we may have some live reporting/updates next year, as cousin Bessie’s husband (Alfred) looooves him some soup. He and some of his friends refer to themselves as The Soup Boys and they Instagram ratings of soups. (DM me to follow Alfred and see all the soups’ ratings) Anyhoo, I’m really hoping Bessie and Alfred hit the soup supper next year for some behind the scenes footage (hopefully lots of photos) of the big event. For now, we’ll have to settle for The Small Town Sentinel’s take on the Dougherty Soup Supper, which includes the pictures below and these snippets of information: It was fine night on March 17th when Dougherty American Legion Post hosted the 16th Annual ST. Patrick’s Day Soup contest and super. It was a full house at S.T.P.A.T. school with talented cooks of all ages entering 19 soups to be judged and eaten. (As usual, all spelling/capitalization/grammatical errors are courtesy of The Small Town Sentinel, not me)

As for the soup competition, it seems the younger generation is getting into the swing with two young winners this year. The cooking duo of Dr. JB and daughter Lily of Rockdale took first prize with their Glorious Chicken and Dumpling soup. Cheese-burger in Parad-Irish was good for DC’s second place finish. 10 year old HM stepped into third place with his Russian potato and mushroom soup. ML charmed her way into the honorable mention award with Charming Chicken Noodle soup. SH captured the best costume prize with door prize going to CS.

LC put together some great baskets as gifts. A money tree, an Irish memento basket, movie night basket and refreshment basket were great prizes for the winners to pick from. With Judging done, the soup disappeared as everyone had to try at least a few soups and the delicious desserts and appetizers there. Once again a great night was spent celebrating Dougherty’s Irish heritage and hospitality.

I mean, who doesn’t want to head to Dougherty next St. Patrick’s Day? I know I do. And in the eight months that pass before the next soup contest, maybe I can crack the code on the capitalization patterns on the names of the soups! Glorious Chicken and Dumpling soup,Cheese-burger in Parad-Irish, and Russian potato and mushroom soup… 

Are they capitalizing these as proper nouns? Are they not? Is ‘soup’ not part of the name in the Glorious Chicken and Dumpling [soup]? And if so, aren’t ‘potato’, ‘mushroom’ and ‘soup’ part of the name in the Soviet Soup? Should I have even capitalized Soviet Soup? Dear God, why do I think so much about these things? (someone tell me you also think so much about these things…)

-Bev

I thought I grew up in some kind of super safe, crime-free town. Turns out, the Mayberry area is as riddled with crime as some of our nation’s largest cities. I mean, the Dougherty pop machine is stolen (and, guys, I have some seriously amazing updates on that), and now Thornville experiences two gas theft scares.

Sounds like people are filling up their gas tanks and then driving off before paying. I mean, I’m not sure how this is possible since one usually has to pay before being able to pump gas, but who knows what type of equipment we’re working with at the Thornville gas station… both were a potential “gas-n-go,” a theft maneuver in which a driver fills up their tank and evades the scene before paying for their purchase. Honestly, this article is written in such a confusing way that I can’t even begin to describe it to you, but the bottom line is that two people were thought to have driven off without paying for their gas. However, both bills were fully paid and one of the drivers is believed to have left in error. 

Basically, we’re reaching for news. Which is obvious based on last week’s front page article about a sock in a water line.

-Bev

P.S.- I know it’s not Sunday. At least I think it’s not Sunday. I’m out here livin’ my best life, guys.

Hey guys- have you ever purchased a fresh box of wine, taken it on an 11-hour road trip, realized it was REALLY bad¹, driven it back home 11 hours, returned it to the store with no receipt or credit card on which it was purchased (#hacked), and been able to pick out a replacement box of wine and given cash back for the difference in price for these two boxes of wine?

Because I have.

-Bev

¹Yes, this might be the first time I have EVER stopped drinking an alcohol because of taste. Partly because of the (really, really, REALLY bad) taste. Partly because it was “Chardonnay” but it was the color of Crown Royal. And partly because I was with my entire family- none of whom would shut the hell up about me drinking it. And potentially waking up blind from it.

Lost sock gums up Swale’s waterworks

Actual headline.

A lost piece of laundry narrowly created a stinky situation in Swale last month, as reported during the Swale City Council’s regular meeting on Monday, February 12.

In the department reports, Public Works Director GM informed the council of a bit of a situation with a sewage pump last month. When one of the sewer pumps stopped running, an inspection found that a discarded sock had become tangled up in the waterworks and had to be dislodged from the system.

It’s unknown how the sock got into the sewer system, but the council theorized that a child in town must have been left unattended with laundry and a toilet.

“It’s laughable now, but it is worth noting that kind of stuff could cost us a lot of money,” said Mayor Drury. “The moral of the story is, don’t flush any socks.”

Front page news.

The moral of the story is, don’t flush any socks.”

*mic drop*

-Bev

Remember yesterday’s missing chicken?

I shit you not… within twenty minutes of my post yesterday, I received the following screen shot of a text conversation from Bessie.

I can’t make this shit up, people.

-Bev

I know you guys in the BevHive love you some small town stories, and I’ve got a grip of ’em for you in the next few days/week. We’ll start off with a story from one of the small towns near Mayberry’s Facebook page. Like Mayberry’s page, Shiffon has a sort of town page where people can share items for sale, lost items, upcoming town events, etc. (As I type this, I realize that I haven’t shared anything from the Mayberry page- I distinctly remember a screen shot, so I’ll start digging it up)

And check out the gem cousin Gertrude spotted on the page this morning:

And the best part? The followup text from cousin Bessie (who’s a dentist in nearby River City).

I’ll keep you guys posted on the Henny Penny’s whereabouts/potential capture/homecoming.

Anyone want to claim?

-Bev