Bevvy G

Dougherty. Sweet, sweet Dougherty. Why so much love for Dougherty, you ask? Well, you may remember the Dougherty pop machine fiasco (if not, read here) which I don’t think I ever actually wrapped up here on the blog. I was waiting (and waiting) for the end to this mystery, but it never came in the Small Town Sentinel, so I kinda forgot about it. However, Maude did inform me that she heard a pop machine update and basically… the pop machine company came and picked up the machines. 

That’s it. That’s the pop machine saga ending. Oh, Dougherty, you wacky sonofabitch, you.

This story doesn’t quite line up with what my Cheese Ball Crawl investigative crew and I found out about the pop machines though- we saw them on our cruise of Dougherty! Not only did we see them, but Bessie and I got out to try to use them and, well, let’s just say I’m glad we lived to tell the tale. I’ll be taking a quick detour from Small Town Spotlight next week to delve into more detail about the Dougherty pop machines. You know, the heavy-hitting stuff.

As if we need more reason to love Dougherty, it’s also home to one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. His name is Chizz and he is one of cousin Timmy’s best friends. He probably deserves a post of his own (I’m considering a Small Town Citizen Spotlight coming up next. You know, choosing one person from each of these small towns and giving them a little shoutout. Reply in the comments if you’re in for a Small Town Citizen Spotlight coming up next. I’ll create a nomination form if we move forward with this motion. Locals, start brainstorming your nominations!) Anyway, between the pop machine fiasco and Chizz, the love for Dougherty is pretty strong.

Also, when we were cruising Dougherty on the Cheese Ball Crawl, we drove past one of Bessie’s coworker’s house and she happened to be outside, so we stopped and chatted with her and explained what we were doing in town. She’s since become a Bev reader and I love her. Her name is Amy and she’s the only dental hygienist who gets to go to Heaven. There’s a lot of good folks ’round there and it’s got a very strong Irish community, as you may remember from some Small Town Sentinel posts, and as you’ll see in some of the photos.

Small Town Stats
Public Pools: 0
Private Pools: 2
Pop Machines: Wouldn’t we like to know?

I think this bank has been robbed like twice. And there may or may not have been a 98-year-old woman working it at least once. We’ll see if we can get a Dougherty local to write a guest post about this. I’ve got some connections.

Here’s a photo showcase of Dougherty’s downtown area. Which is a little bit terrifying. A telephone booth, a flea market, and a shrine of some kind?

Here’s a bunch of photos of the… place where the pop machines are. It’s an old gas station, but I think now it’s a house? I honestly don’t freakin’ know guys. We’ll delve more into the details in next week’s special edition.

Just a teaser for next week’s detailed pop machine post… (can you spot the E & J?)

And, here it is: The birthplace of the man, the myth, the legend (Chizz):

-Beverly “Is that a Bottle of Brandy in Your Pop Machine or Are You Just Happy to See Me?” Goldenstein

All right, we’re here for Small Town Spotlight #3, and it’s Arendale’s time to shine. I have to preface this one by saying that I honestly think I’ve only been to Arendale like… twice before we cruised over for the Cheese Ball Crawl. Like, if someone paid me a million dollars to drive from Smoke and MamaG’s house to Arendale right now (without the help of a map or GPS), I’m not certain that I’d make it. Two of my high school classmates (one whose wife is an avid Bev reader- hi, Loretta) lived in the country near Arendale, so I went there on “TP Night” of homecoming of my senior year. I think we got all the senior guys’ moms to let us into their bedrooms to TP and I wanna say we may have thrown a pair or two of boxers into freezers. Loretta, can you get Kaleb to weigh in in the comments? In addition to that, I think I had only visited Arendale to go to Ducks. You know, Ducks- the bar that served high schoolers for some reason and made “great” Sex on the Beaches. God, remember drinking Sex on the Beach? Every bar had a different recipe, it seemed, and I can nearly guarantee that if I ordered one now, I’d have an immediate cavity and possible ulcer. Anyhoo, Ducks had a reputation for serving minors, and I feel like maybe it was some kind of secret gay bar? Am I making that up? It’s now called The Outpost, which makes me think it’s some kind of secret strip club. As I’m writing this, I feel like Arendale is maybe the most interesting of the small towns in the Mayberry area. Which I think I may need to start calling the Maybarea?

Christ on a cracker, Bev, just get to the pictures. For the love of God.

Small Town Stats
Public Pools: 0
Private Pools: 0
Pop Machines: 0
Bars that might be gay bars or strip clubs (or gay strip clubs): 1

So, we’ve seen lots of churches so far, but Arendale has a gospel hall. I don’t know what a gospel hall is. Again, Arendale bringin’ the mystery.

Arendale seems to be the only of our small towns with a Little Free Library, so that’s cool. Although now that I’m putting together the pieces of the Arendale puzzle, I’m wondering if these books are actually filled with cocaine. Or meth. Probably meth.

Do you guys think this post office is made to look like it’s from 1885 or is it actually from 1885?

Here she is! In all her glory! And what’s with that tiny bar across the door? Like, that’s not stopping anyone or anything from entering. Or leaving. Or maybe it has some kind of sensor and they use it to keep the strippers locked inside. I’ve got a full Arendale conspiracy theory going at this point. They probably bring the strippers in from the Swale sex ring. I hope they can at least mix themselves a Sex on the Beach whenever they’d like.

This empty sign is definitely some sort of stripper Bat-Signal.

And now, just some photos of the Arendale landscape. Or should I say hellscape? I mean, a bank and a lot of places one could dump a body. Pretty convenient, isn’t it, Arendale?!?!

Locals, feel free to weigh in on the enigma that is Arendale. (Kaleb, blink twice if we need to rescue your parents)

-Beverly “Uncovering the Midwest’s Great Mystery” Goldenstein

P.S- In not unrelated news, Fawn knows where my If I Go Missing folder is.

Swale is the subject of our second edition of Small Town Spotlight, and, while it was also a part of the former rival high school, I don’t hate it nearly as much as I do Rockdale. This probably has to do with the fact that it’s much smaller than Rockdale (and reminds me a little bit of Mayberry), the Caspian family (you can catch up on them here and here), and the homemade Burma Shave signs outside the town.

If you don’t know what Burma Shave signs are, you can read about them here.

These signs make the roads leading into Swale (way) more interesting than the actual town, so you’ll see lots of road pics this week!

Small Town Stats
Public Pools: 0
Private Pools: 2
Pop Machines: 0

I mean, this is kinda cute. And those “next seven exits”? They’re just the only streets in the town.

Furniture, Fun, and More? Guys, does Swale have a sex trafficking ring?

Yikes. Back to funny road signs.

(unless you)

This next set of signs might be my favorite.

Guys, I don’t know what this means.

So… more road signs.

Swale has a zoo, guys!

Here’s a horse!

And some equipment to transport the… one horse. (Seriously, this place is starting to stink like a major cover-up)

I literally have no idea what this sign means either.

Swale might not have much, but they have pride in their country, OK?

I’m not sure what this is, but I know what it’s not. And that is a functioning gas station.

And now, just the barrage of pictures of the small town staples: abandoned shit and water towers.

I mean, this on-store sign looks less sex-trafficky than their sign outside of town…

And then, in just the blink of an eye…

I’m not sure if Orv and Dale are thanking us, or if someone is thanking Orv and Dale, but you’re welcome, I guess?

Swale, you are… not that swell.

-Beverly “On to the Next One” Goldenstein

I’m kicking off Small Town Spotlight Saturdays with Rockdale because it’s my least favorite of the eight towns to be highlighted. Rockdale and Swale were their own high school (and our arch rival) when I went to high school, but have since consolidated with the other six towns to be featured here. I don’t really harbor any real resentment toward the town because of high school, and I’m sure Rockdale is a perfectly nice small town. Even if it’s full of racist rednecks¹, meth labs, and probably a lot of firearms.

Small Town Stats
Public Pools: 1
Private Pools: 2
Pop Machines: 1

Our first stop in Rockdale was at the local Stop-n-Shop gas station for some snacks. Little did we know that the S-n-S was also a meeting place for some older gentlemen in the community to have coffee². 

Stop-n-Shop is also a great place to advertise! Probably even free!

Now, I know y’all know about my absolute undying adoration for Casey’s breakfast pizza, but Rockdale doesn’t have a Casey’s. (#NotWorthy)

While strolling through the S-n-S, I did see an advertisement for breakfast pizza, which I (obviously) wanted to sample. There weren’t any pizzas out, and as Bessie and I were discussing whether or not we should try to order one to pick up on our way out of town, the redneck employee slid a hot and fresh little number down the little chute to the warming case! The gods were watching us that day! While this breakfast pizza was quite good, it obviously doesn’t compete with the OG. In taste or price. (A slice of Casey’s ‘za will set ya back for $2.29 and it’s not much smaller than this whole personal pan for $4.29.) 

This old man gambling in the gas station was the highlight of my Rockdale trip. I hope he won $10,000. Also, honestly, I just hope he’s still alive.

And you all know I will find the VFW. Any city, any state.

I don’t who, and I certainly don’t know why, but there’s an architectural marvel in Rockdale.

And, now? Just a bunch of photos of what makes a small town in middle America. You know, water tower(s) – plural in this case! – churches, bars, massive grain elevators, vehicles parked on lawns, abandoned buildings, cemeteries, and people driving golf carts down the streets.

¹I’m not just saying that. Their effing mascot was the Rebel, and they had Confederate flags on their uniforms and in their gyms and shit. Keep in mind I graduated high school in 2001 and the schools didn’t consolidate (and, therefore, drop the Rebel name) until like…2008. Yeah, I still hate these people. For a lot more than the fact that their basketball team once beat my basketball 63-2 in a tournament in middle school.

63-2.

And I’m pretty sure those two points both came from free throws.

²“Coffee” in small Midwestern towns doesn’t really refer to the actual drink of hot bean juice. It refers to an event. This event generally takes place on a Saturday morning, and if we could be a fly on the wall…

-Beverly “F U, Rockdale” Goldenstein

Some of my most popular posts here involve telling stories of Mayberry and the completely arbitrary but oh-so-amusing stories of Mayberrians and their shenanigans. I decided I wanted to take a tour of some of the small towns in the Mayberry area and document them for you all. I knew I would need a driver for this excursion so that I could hit those camera angles just right, and Maude quickly agreed to chauffeur. Cousin Bessie wanted in on the action, and we decided we’d turn this business trip into an opportunity to rate the cheese balls in the area as well.

Thus, the Cheese Ball Crawl was born.

The date was set.

July 28, 2018.

Yes, nearly three years ago.

Lay off me, OK? I’VE BEEN WORKING ON THESE POSTS FOR THREE YEARS. YOU CAN COMPLAIN WHEN YOU PAY FOR THE CONTENT, OK? OK. Just kidding, guys. That was mean, and I love nothing more than my audience (my BevHive), but life comes at ya fast, right? I mean, it’s not like I’ve been sitting on my ass on my couch alone for the past fourteen months or anything. (Dear God, what have I done with the past year of my life? Oh, I gained 800 pounds and looked at Instagram, that’s what.)

Anyway, the Cheese Ball Crawl plan was in place, and Maude, Bessie, and I were set to head out from “coffee” at Aunt Zelda’s that Saturday morning. (You’ll read more about coffee in the heartland in the first post of the series next weekend. Aunt Zelda has a standing Saturday morning coffee, complete with some type of pastry- or a breakfast pizza if she knows Bev will attend.)

As we wrapped up coffee at Aunt Zelda’s, she inquired about our plan. Remember, our plan was to drive around, eat cheese balls, and take funny pictures of small towns. I extended an invitation to Aunt Zelda and she accepted before she could put her teeth in.¹

The quartet was set, baby. We peeled out of Aunt Zelda’s driveway, hellbent for election. OK, not really. Maude was driving and Maude doesn’t really live on the edge like that. I mean, I didn’t even ask her if we could drink mimosas in the car for the Cheese Ball Crawl because I already knew her answer wasn’t the one I wanted to hear. (Yes, we’re biological sisters. Yes, one of us is much smarter than the other. Yes, Smoke and MamaG have a favorite.)

You’ll see the fruits of the labor of the Cheese Ball Crawl here for the next nine weeks- eight small town tours + one bonus pop machine edition. 

-Beverly “Jump In and Hang On” Goldenstein

¹Just kidding, guys. She puts her teeth in before coffee.

I wish I could just drop this on y’all and you’d know exactly what I meant and what would be happening, but well, a major part of my audience is my mom, aunts, and their friends, and… they ain’t pickin’ up what I’m layin’ down, ya know? If you do know and understand the significance of this image, I’ll see ya back here tomorrow. Mom, keep reading.

Several years ago, Beyoncé dropped a surprise album. Like, no one knew it was happening until it just showed up on iTunes. The album was self-titled and the cover image is below.

So, see, what I’m trying to do here is to tell you one simple thing:

–Beverly Beverlé Goldenstein

It needs a special toilet? 

Oh, it’s a scam.

Wait, what?

-Beverly “Things That Make Ya Go Hmmmm” Goldenstein

This was before the cops came.

(Kidding. They were already there.)

KIDDING. But Good Lord, UB.

-Beverly “Officer, There’s a Grown-Ass Man in the PlayPlace” -Goldenstein

Dearly beloved, WHEN are we going to collectively realize that cruises are crime-laden murder boats (not to mention freakin’ breeding grounds for DROPLETS and DISEASE) and make a universal pact to stop going on cruises?

-Beverly “Seriously, One-third of all Dateline Episodes and True Crime Podcasts are on Cruise Ships, Guys- NO JURISDICTION IN OPEN WATER” Goldenstein

Name someone you know who would wake up early (without an alarm) and decide to get a few hours’ worth of a head start on work, then throw caution to the wind and say it’s finally time to reward herself with that cold brew that’s been in her fridge for literal months, only to realize two sips in that said cold brew is actually spiked.

(If you can’t name someone, give me a call. I know a guy.)

In unrelated news, I know a really delicious spiked cold brew, if anybody’s in the market.

-Beverly “It Was 6:45 am” Goldenstein