Bevvy G

It’s been a big week for Mama G’s side of the family (the Pages), as Uncle Bart and Aunt Sue moved off of the family farm where Uncle Bart has resided for 46 of his 58 years on this earth. 46.

The house was previously inhabited by my grandparents (Mama G, Aunt Judy, and Uncle Bart’s parents) for 36 years, and then by Uncle Bart and Aunt Sue for the past 26.

To give you a little background knowledge, Uncle Bart and Aunt Sue aren’t moving far away, and will now be living in a lakeside property about 20 miles north of Mayberry. They’ve already purchased a pontoon boat, (Uncle Bart, has it been named yet? Because that could make for a fun contest here on BG.com) and their new house is absolutely beautiful. (I know because the previous owners actually went to high school with all of our parents/aunts and uncles, and he was our family doctor for years… I know) Their new town is called Crystal Lake, and is a popular summer tourist town in MyHomeState. While all of our family members are looking forward to boat cruises, lakeside happy hours, and close proximity to a larger city with fun bars and restaurants, there’s also a feeling of sadness as UB and Sue leave Mayberry and the “home farm” as UB calls it.

But, have no fear, guys, the “home farm” will still remain in the Page family; cousin Timmy and wife Keith prepare to move into the house in the coming days. Of course, this makes us all happy, as the farm has been in our family for decades, and our grandparents would love nothing more than to see Timmy take over the home place. Timmy has no plans to take up farming, but UB literally put a bedroom and bathroom in one of the sheds on the property, and he and Sue will continue to run the farming side of the… farm (wait, what?) while Timmy performs his duties as a pediatrician nearby (in Crystal Lake, actually…) and Keith chases their cute and sweet kids around their new (much larger) space.

Timmy and Keith will only be moving about 1/4 of a mile down 120th Street, as they currently inhabit another house that has been in the Page family for years. (I’m starting to feel like a map of my family’s homes would help you guys, kind of like the family trees on the ‘Who’s Who‘ page do… thoughts?) This house belong to my great-grandparents. The great-grandparents that you’ll have to wait until tomorrow to meet. I mean, I started to tell a little about the OG patriarch and matriarch of the Page clan, but it got way too long for one post, so I decided to save it for tomorrow (and it’s still freakin’ lengthy, guys). So, yes, this means you’ll be getting a 1-2-3, Friday-Saturday-Sunday punch from Bev this weekend, y’all.

Buckle up.

-Bev

Yes, I know I missed last week. I was out of town and truly meant to bring my Small Town Sentinel on the plane with me, but I forgot and then I got drunk for three days in a row, and I just kinda didn’t care anymore. Which I’m also doing this weekend, but I am squeezing in a post for you all (and one yesterday!) so get excited.

Now, this week’s edition of The Small Town Sentinel was literally only three pages, so I didn’t have much material, but that’s OK. I’ve got brunch to attend, guys.

This week featured a “Celebration of Diversity” (actual headline) in the West Falls High gym. Basically, each high schooler studied a country and then they call came together to share information about their location. Literal quote: “My country was Vietnam. They like never eat meat there. I don’t know if I coiuld do that. I need meat in my life,” reflected student NM.

Um, oh my God.

Oh, and also, the Mayberry and Thornville EMTs are considering “joining forces.” I’ll keep you updated on if/when that happens. (Smoke and Mama G may already have the inside scoop on this hot development, as the article is from January 18.)

-Bevvy G

PS- I set this to post right as Fawn and I sit down to a brunch to celebrate the beginning of summer. Cheers!

In the span of one hour today, I:

-spilled an entire Bloody Mary down the front of my white cabinets

-set off the alarm at my friend’s house while I was there watering plants

-exploded a tube of powdered sunscreen in my purse

So, if you needed to feel good about yourself….

-Bev

I have to tell you guys- part of the reason I love this new weekly series is because STSS reminds me of TWSS (that’s what she said). And yes, I love a good “That’s What She Said” joke. I know.

This week doesn’t have any 2017 recaps, which means no Swale time capsules, which is disappointing, but good ol’ Chaper comes in clutch this week, guys. Wait for it…

We do have a Swale town council election to catch up on, and the race was heated, as you can imagine. “Also throwing her name in the hat was Y, a Swale native and retired nurse who has recently returned to the community. The council narrowed down their choice to X or Y, briefly debating the merits of X’s experience against Y’s fresh perspective. Following the discussion, a motion was made by council member Brian Caspian to appoint Y to the vacant seat, which was unanimously approved.” I included this blurb not only because I found it humorous that a front page article featured the town council election of a town of 165, but also because it’s the third week of STSS and we’ve been introduced to a 3rd Caspian family member. (You remember Bill and Ed) As you can tell, the Caspian family literally makes up about 75% of Swale and I just love it.

My favorite part of this week’s STS is a column that popped up for the first time, but I certainly hope not the goddamn last. “But, Bev, what column?” you may find yourself asking. THE CHAPER NOTES, that’s what column. I swear to you, I dug out the previous two issues of The Small Town Sentinel out of my recycling bin when I stumbled upon the Chaper Notes this week because I thought I’d somehow missed this gold(enstein) nugget in my previous perusals of the 6-page newspapers. Alas, I think the Chaper Notes column is one that only makes it in every few weeks… ya know, when there’s been enough going on in Chaper to make up about five or six paragraphs. And, oh, has there been enough going on to make up about five or six paragraphs!

“There has been a heck of a lot of grieving for loved ones this year. Pastor X told me he did 22 funerals in 2017.” Actual opening lines of Chaper Notes. I die. (pun intended)

“Mrs. M passed earlier this year, I’ve yet to remove her number from my phone. That makes it so final. Her house is being rented to a very nice couple. He works with the [local electric company] and the lady of the home goes to college. I have permission to interview them later. One thing for sure, she likes to decorate for Christmas. Both their front and back porch was nicely lit up for the holidays.” You guys, I just don’t even know where to start. Number one, I am waiting with bated breath for the interview(s)!!! I mean, I feel like Mama G waiting on the Dougherty pop machine heist. Coming soon, to a Small Town Sentinel near you (I hope!). Oh, and to all Goldensteins and Pages who live near Chaper- we are totally taking a family road trip to check out the holiday display for Christmas 2018! Zelda, get the Irish coffees ready! 

“There were a few other homes that were decorated, including Mr. and Mrs. F’s and Dan an Hunter B’s homes – great job.” Way to go, Chaper residents!

“This year we had a town display on Olive Avenue. A big thanks goes to Mr. DG for his help and the homemade trees M made. At first the display looked liked the Peanut Gang made it. After my brother died and I got some memorial money, improvements were made. I dedicated the display to my brother W. It helped me. I knew I was doing something he would be happy about.” Oh, man. I so badly want to giggle at this, but it also makes me really sad and I hope that her brother looked down at the Chaper town display with love. I’d also like to add here that the Chaper Notes section’s author is never named, but s/he reminds me a lot of my good friend, Alice’s great-aunt, Lois. I have torn my house apart looking for Lois’ long-lost Christmas letters that Alice used to send on to me. Who doesn’t love a Christmas letter that details your great-uncle Al’s ingrown toenail? (that really happened in Aunt Lois’ Christmas letter, and typing this is reigniting my fire to go search for the letters again. Stay tuned, readers. Alice- if you happen to have any Aunt Lois gold, send it my way!) As usual, the Chaper Notes quotes are typed exactly as printed… (these errors aren’t mine, folks)

This bittersweet note about brother Wayne was immediately followed by, “I’ve been thinking – maybe on Memorial Day we all could bring balloons and together set them off into the sky.” I have no idea if this would be in memory of Wayne, or if the author is just trying to rally the community for Memorial Day… thoughts?

The Chaper Notes column was rounded out with another sweet sentiment from its author: “Chaper is not with out a newborn. It brings a smile to my face when I say, ‘It’s the circle of life.’ Happy New Year! Keep your thoughts positive, everyone.” Will do, mysterious Chaper Notes author!! My thoughts are so stinkin’ positive, I’m not even going to point out to you that ‘without’ is one word!

The final highlight of this week’s STS is one that just might be useful to some of Bev’s faithful readers. It would have even gotten “clipped” and sent home to Mayberry, had I read it at its release date in January. I’m not going to name names, but I think you all know one person who could possibly benefit from the info from this article about senior technology courses being offered in the area… *cough* Smoke *cough* “They’re encouraging the senior community to attend a monthly technology meeting that’ll take you from a smartphone novice to a tablet wiz in no time.”

“The class can certainly cater to any beginner or intermediate tech user, as they can cover anything from deleting an application on a phone to sending your photos to the cloud.” OK, they think this is beginner level? How about teaching someone to type numbers in a text message on his “dumb phone”? Again, not naming names…

And finally- Bev readers in the Mayberry area, check this out- “Our goals are to build a support group among the senior population so that they can take what they learn back to their social groups, like coffee groups.”  If you aren’t aware, Mama G does have a coffee group. She, Aunt Sue, Nan, and many of the other ladies who read here (Aunt Zelda, Jean, Aunt Polly, Connie) meet every Wednesday morning as they are able and catch up on the latest Mayberry-Thornville happenings. My guess is that the conversation is very similar to the Chaper Notes, but I’d be willing to bet some hard-earned cash that technology “how-to” questions come up now and then. I think a lot of the coffee ladies could benefit from the senior tech classes- especially Mama G and Aunt Sue when we changed a shortcut in their phones so that every time they typed “OK,” their phone corrected to, “Giraffes are awesome,” often before the senior senders could notice their (forced by their own evil offspring) mistake. Jesus Christ it was hilarious. Remind me to tell you about it sometime.

OK, y’all, that’s all I’ve got for this week’s STSS, but I’ll be back sooner than later!

-Bev

Or should I say, “Giraffes are awesome, y’all, that’s all I’ve got for this week’s STSS, but I’ll be back sooner than later!”

Guys, I’m back with the second edition of #STSS and we’ve got some gold.

For starters, someone in a 1998 Oldsmobile Intrigue outran the cops through four counties. On Christmas morning.

Now, one exciting piece of this is that the chase originated just a few short miles north of Smoke and Mama G’s house, and after eluding officials through several gravel roads, the hot rod “re-entered XX County in Mayberry.” Another good tidbit is that the “XX County Deputy intentionally rammed the suspect’s vehicle to bring the pursuit to a halt,” and my Lord, this is the most exciting thing that has happened near Mayberry since a peacock showed up at Smoke and Mama G’s. You remember.

Also, let’s not just glaze over the fact that the cops were outrun (for four counties) by a 20-year-old Oldsmobile.

In addition, this was the first edition of the STS of 2018, so we got a heartfelt look at 2017 highlights. And highlights there were!

First of all, a Mayberry man was sentenced to life in prison without parole. (reread that sentence) So, I know I’ve talked a lot here about how everyone in Mayberry knows everyone else, but there are two types of people in Mayberry: the ones whose families have lived there for decades, maybe even close to centuries; the ones who volunteer at the “church supper” and who have probably pulled you out of a snowy ditch when you were an idiotic 16-year-old (#ThankYouKennyShaw). And then there are the meth heads. The ones who move in because you can buy a decent house in Mayberry for like $28,000 (which you can afford because the payments on your ’98 Intrigue are low) and because the cops only show up in town like once a month. Obviously, Mr. Life in Prison is of the second variety of Mayberrians, and we don’t know who he is. But I do remember hearing about his arrest when it happened, as it made the real paper nearby- The Gazette, and maybe even a few other major papers. If you’re wondering why this Mayberry fella was arrested and sentenced to life in prison, let me enlighten you with some quotes from the Sentinel:

“During the jury trial, Mayberry ‘man’ was tried for the abuse of his former live-in girlfriend, Jane Doe, 36. He was accused of beating and torturing JD on Oct. 7, 2016 in their shared Mayberry home, and also of beating her in his vehicle while driving to Shiffon the next day. FMH was left with broken bones in her face and sinuses, burn marks from a stun gun and an eye injury that caused protracted vision loss. She also had severe swelling to her face and eyes, dog bites on her body and severe bruising on her arms.” Stun. Gun.

Jesus.

Other highlights of 2017 include a short column on the Shiffon police chief of one year. “When not serving as dog catcher, lawyer, officer and wearing other hats, John Doe like s to partake in outdoor activities like hunting, fishing.” That sentence is typed exactly as printed. Rogue s and all.

Oh, and stay tuned for more True Crime: My Small Town Life! “An ATM that was stolen during a Christmas Day heist from XX Bank in Rockdale has been found broken open and empty of all cash, according to a report from the County Sheriff’s Office.” I wonder if this is related to the stolen pop machine in Dougherty… (stay tuned, Mama G)

But I’ve saved the best for last, guys. The true highlight of 2017 comes in the form of Swale’s 125th birthday! Headline reads, “Heart still beating at 125” and I could hardly wait to see what kind of crazy shit went down in Swale last June. Well, here’s what crazy shit went down: “Throughout the afternoon, members of the Swale community celebrated the 125th birthday of the ‘little town with a big heart’ with a traditional Big Day event. Kicking things off with a parade of classic cars and tractors, residents spent the afternoon enjoying softball games and inflatables in the park before settling down for a pork sandwich dinner with homemade pie for dessert.” It’s worth noting that by dinner, this most likely means lunch. Let’s not go there right now. Later in the day, “Mayor Drury and Bill Caspian cracked open a time capsule buried in 1992. In a later interview, Drury called opening the time capsule the most emotional experience of his life.” It’s also worth noting that Bill Caspian is Ed’s brother. If you don’t remember who Ed is, click here and reread a little Swale background. Do you guys think Ed’s Mini Cooper was part of the parade? Maybe behind the Intrigue…

And there you have it, guys. The 2017 highlight reel from my small town community. Who’s hoping Bev makes it in for 2018? 

-Beverly I’mComingForYaSTS Goldenstein

This type of post (alternately titled Shit Smoke Goldenstein Says) could easily become a series here on BG, along with Funny Animal Friday, Spot Sue Saturday (coming back someday), and Small Town Sentinel Sunday, but these quotes and sayings are sometimes just too elusive/quick to write down, sometimes too inappropriate to write down, and sometimes they just might be about someone who may be reading this blog who might then be offended. Also, I’m pretty terrified that he’d going to stop saying crazy shit when he notices me whipping out my phone to type the nonsense as quickly as possible. (which he already kinda does)

But as I’ve been going through my phone I’ve found some good old Smoke quotes from the past few months, and I’ll start busting them out every now and then for you here. Feel free to use them yourself. (Or not. Probably… not.)

Anyway, I was deleting a bunch of old notes and texts in my phone when I came across a conversation¹ between Maude, Smoke, and yours truly. We were discussing a mutual acquaintance from one of our small towns who had made a mistake. Like, a pretty big one. And a really dumb one. Anyway, Maude and I were talking about how we wouldn’t dream of making that mistake, as we both knew Smoke and Mama G would snatch the damn hair off our heads once they got word of our transgression. Smoke was happy to jump in and clarify what would actually happen:

“You’d hafta take us both to the hospital so they could dig my boot outta yer ass.”

And there you have it.

-Bev

¹This was clearly a note saved in my phone, not a text convo, because Smoke was involved with more than three words.

OK, guys, here it is. The first in the new series here at beverlygoldenstein.com. I’m not sure if it’ll take off or tank, but it’s been fun to put together so far. I asked for a subscription to one of the small town papers for Christmas, and Maude delivered in a big way. I’ve been receiving the paper since late December, but have really been slacking on the blogging in 2018 (as you well know). So, the past few weeks, I finally sat down with my stack of newspapers and a highlighter, and got set to finding the finest fragments for you guys. 

And, without further ado, I present to you, actual footage from The Small Town Sentinel. Starting off with the post-Christmas edition, which featured a big piece on the West Falls Elementary Classic Christmas concert. (yes, they still do Christmas concerts. And they sing, like, actual Christmas songs). Kinda crazy in today’s politically correct world, but let me just kick this bitch off with my favorite quote regarding the holiday festivities. “The youngsters were dressed up in anything from antlers to elf ears and Christmas sweaters to dazzling winter gowns as they sang their winter favorites.” Dazzling winter gowns.

Before I hand out this next morsel, I have to give some background on its author. For the sake of this here blog, we’ll call him T-Fisch, and he did attend high school with Bev. He’s a year or two younger than I am, I believe, and has been the chief correspondent for The Small Town Sentinel pretty much since graduation (maybe even before). He writes a lot of the content, takes most of the photos, and probably “edits”, but his true talent is in his weekly opinion column, (appropriately?) titled, “Age of the Geek.” This particular opinion column is called “the seven best things of 2017” and the list is as follows: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, Wonder Woman, Atomic Blonde, Duck Tales, Sonic Mania, Cuphead, Super Mario Odyssey, and Honorable Mention: Thrawn. Now I try to punctuate things correctly here at BG, but I honest to God don’t know what in the fresh hell any of those things even are to try to look up whether they should be italicized, underlined, quotation marked, etc. 

Going to go ahead and sign off here, but I want to leave you with a photo.

If you’d like the address of the museum’s new location for your summer vacation plans, please send a private email to beverlygoldenstein@gmail.com.

-Bev

Well, guys, the time has come to spice things up here a bit at bg.com (and by spice things up, I mean actually post sometimes) and we’ve got a new series headed your way. Each Sunday, I’ll be sharing some snippets from the The Small Town Sentinel (my hometown newspaper). Now, keep in mind, Mayberry is not nearly big enough to have its own newspaper, so the The Small Town Sentinel covers news from some other towns in the surrounding area as well. Also, keep in mind, I know almost as much about some of these towns as I do about Mayberry, and I have many friends and family from there, who attended school there, etc.

Before we dig in and I start actually sharing headlines, article, quotes, and the occasional photo from the The Small Town Sentinel, I’d like to give you guys a little background on each of the other small towns that may be featured. 

Mayberry
I’ll state the obvious. Bev’s (and Smoke and Mama G’s) hometown. Where a large part of the fam-bam still lives. Also home to The Henning House and a whole tribe of amazing characters (click the ‘Mayberry Moments’ tab at the top of the BG homepage to get caught up on the Mayberry happenings of the past few years…from the perspective of Goldenstein/Page family members, not the media).
Population, as of 2010 state Census: 256.

Thornville
The closest neighbor to Mayberry, and the two towns are almost synonymous. For example, Ardith, Hentrietta, and Edith (and their families) actually have Thornville addresses, but we all grew up together and went to the same elementary and middle schools, which were located in Thornville, but have since been demolished. Highlights include “the golf course”, Pronto, and Mouse. I put “the golf course” in quotations because that’s literally what everyone there calls it, but its actual name is the Pleasant Valley Golf Club, and Bev always calls it PVGC. They sell Chardonnay in 16 oz. styrofoam cups for like $4.50. At least that’s what I’ve heard…. Pronto is a gas station, which hasn’t been named Pronto since the literal 1990s, but that’s still what we call it. I just don’t know…
Population, as of 2010 state Census: 422.

Shiffon
The largest of the towns covered by The Small Town Sentinel, Shiffon is also where the high school is located. Bev drove eighteen miles from Mayberry to Shiffon for high school and the school is still located there now. I’ll try to explain the “school situation” of all these towns at the bottom of this post, but Bev doesn’t necessarily love the town of Shiffon, as there was always a “Mayberry/Thornville” vs. “Shiffon/Chaper” kind of vibe when I attended high school. “S-C” had the larger population based on numbers, but “M-T” had the personality by a landslide, as you already know… #SmokeAndMouseAreMT

Anyway, Shiffon highlights include more than one restaurant (!)- one being Casey’s (Bev’s favorite pizza chain), a grocery store (I use the term a little loosely), “the loop” (you know, the one Henrietta and I cruised at least 56,493 times in high school, between our two crushes’ houses), and I think an actual damn stoplight. (Friends who still live and work in the area: who can confirm or deny this claim?) Like I mentioned, the high school is still located in Shiffon, and it tends to be the center for a lot of the articles written in the paper.
Population, as of 2010 state Census: 1,172.

Chaper
Oh, Chaper. While it might not the the smallest, it is most definitely the trashiest of the towns repped by The Small Town Sentinel. Chaper is the closest of the other towns to the “center” (Shiffon), but I’ll be damned if I really know much about it. Highlights include…. running water? Probably?
Population, as of 2010 state Census: 87.

Dougherty
Guys, it’s a literal Little Ireland right there in Middle America and it’s pretty hilarious. It has a greenhouse, a bank, and a lot of Irish folks who can put down beers. Highlights include the St. Patrick’s Day “celebrations”. Oh, and Chizz. Chizz is the definite Dougherty highlight. Guy is an instant goddamn classic and he’s like 32. That’s another post, man. I’ve also noticed that for being the smallest of the towns covered by the paper, Dougherty actually has a decent amount of air time. (stay tuned in a few weeks for a stolen pop machine)
Population, as of 2010 state Census: 58.

Arendelle
Oh, Arendelle. I went to high school with a few people from there, and am still friends with them to this day, but I’ll be damned if I know anything about Arendelle, other than Ducks. Ducks was the bar there when Bev was in high school and they made really “good” Sex on the Beach drinks and they served them to minors. Again, I mean, that’s what I heard… Highlights include Ducks. (Note: I was texting the infamous Chizz [from Dougherty] for some current details on these towns. Sounds like Arendelle’s bar is now called The Outpost. Dougherty no longer has a bar, but when it did, it was called The Udder Bar and was cow-themed. Because of course it was)
Population, as of 2010 state Census: 74.

**Note** Before I introduce these last two towns, I’d like to say that these towns made up a school that was the arch-rival of my high school. Since I graduated, all of these towns have since consolidated into one school district, which is now named West Falls. Again, I’ll try to explain more about the schools at the end, but let it be known that the rival high school’s mascot was the Rebel and they had a Confederate flag in the gym (WUT?) and Bev don’t like these last two towns.

Rockdale
There’s a pool here, so I guess highlights include that? I mean, the rival high school was located here, so Bev spent a decent amount of time in Rockdale, from middle school through high school playing and watching sports. The girls around Bev’s age from Rockdale/Swale were absolute ballers at sports, and always crushed us (volleyball, basketball, etc.) and lowlights include a time in middle school basketball, when they beat us 63-2. 

63-2.
Population, as of 2010 state Census: 1,039.

Swale
Swale is actually one of the closer towns to Mayberry and, while it made up the second part of the rival high school, Bev doesn’t hate it as much as she does Rockdale. Swale “Big Days” presented some fun as we were growing up (each of these towns had a “Big Days” celebration, but for some reason, Swale’s are more memorable). Highlights include a man who is like 6’7″ who drives a Mini Cooper. We’ll call him Ed. Ed is a sort of distant family friend and a very nice guy. More importantly, he is like 6’7″ and drives a Mini Cooper.
Population, as of 2010 state Census: 165.

So, there you have it guys… Mayberry and the surrounding towns you’ll be learning a lot more about in the coming months.

Now, as I mentioned, the school situation around these towns is extremely complicated, but the basis of what you need to know is this: rural America is getting more and more scarcely populated, and small schools are unable to stay open on their own. Therefore, schools and towns near each other consolidate and bus kids all over hell to attend elementary, middle, and high school in these different towns. The school boards do their best to keep everything “fair” and have the elementary, middle, and high schools in different places (like the actual buildings… so if you live in Rockdale, your kids attend middle school there, but have to be bussed to high school in Shiffon. If you live in Shiffon, your kids are bussed to Rockdale for MS, but attend HS in their own town. I’m honestly not even sure about the elementary school situations right now, but Rockdale and Shiffon are the only towns that have schools, so some kiddos from these other tiny towns have hefty bus rides, to be followed by hefty gas bills for their parents if/when they start driving to school).

I know that is all probably clear as mud, but the moral of the story is that most of these towns don’t have their own school, and while they might all be “West Falls Warhawks” now, they weren’t when Bev was in school. And don’t even ask me about the configurations when Smoke and Mama G were in school because you’ll be very confused.

I hope you all are as excited as I am to start getting more glimpses into small town life, because I’ve got some gems coming up for ya. (I mean, I know you’re on the edge of your seat regarding the Dougherty pop machine theft)

-Bev

Guys, it seems that my dentist has gone missing. Not, like, I saw his name on the nightly news or anything, but I started thinking recently that I haven’t heard from them in a while, and it’s been a hot second since I got these snaggles cleaned, so I called. Number disconnected. I tried stopping by the office today, as I was at a meeting in the area, and his name is still on the door (which is inside an office building), but it was locked. Like, what?

So, of course, now I’m fairly paranoid that I’m going to go missing while my dentist has gone missing and no one will have my dental records to identify my decaying body in a few months. 

Remember my irrational fears? Well, we can add to the list.

-Bev

P.S. How random that my original irrational fears post involved my dentist! And my other irrational fears post also mentions teeth. I feel like this is ominous.

Cousin Gertrude turned 30 this week and a big crew of family and friends had planned to head to a major city near Mayberry for a 90s-themed bar crawl, but the Midwestern winter/Mother Nature laughed in all the partygoers’ faces as she dropped like a foot of snow and ice on the area. Now, as you may have surmised, the Pages and Goldensteins spirits can’t be dampened by a few heaps of snow, and the fam-bam just brought the 90s-themed bar crawl to Mayberry (Henning House, specifically) instead. Bevvy here was pretty bummed not to have been there and was having a serious case of FOMO as the pics and Snapchats from the party were rolling in. 

I mean, who wouldn’t want to party with this version of Justin and Britney? (Timmy and Keith)

Bessie was Momming it up in these shorts and she and Alfred really upped their shoe game for the weekend…

And Aunt Sue brought the heat (as usual) with her Simpsons fanny pack.

A real highlight was G-Unit Uncle Bart who mascara-ed in a faux beard. Please note the Allen Iverson shirt, which for some reason, absolutely slays me.

However, as usual, the real star of the show was our old pal, Smoke Goldenstein. Check out this 90s gear. And that ain’t even a costume.

-Bev