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Bevvy G

Kinky Grandma (NNSFW)

*NNSFW means NOT not suitable for work, if you were wondering….

Well, guys, Grandma did get kinky at the lake, but not in the way that you might expect after one drinks Bacardi…

Just cracks me up. And I am sleeping well, knowing Grandma’s (and Grandpa’s) liquor cabinet is fully stocked, whenever they choose to crack into it!

In other news, my trip to Mayberry is wrapping up, as I am set to leave Friday morning. I’m sure I’ll have a few more updates from here in the next few days and weeks, but for now, I am pretty excited about Friday and possibly Saturday night(s). You see, my best friend from college recently moved to a city in between Mayberry and MyCity. I am so happy that she and her husband and kids will be closer, and in a very convenient stopping place for me when road trippin’ between my homes. Anyway, I call this friend “Mom” (and many other variations of mother…) and she has been exploring her new city…

Note for those of you less familiar with the Midwest, Hy-Vee is a grocery store. So, depending on where you live, this would basically be equivalent to planning a night out with your bestie at Publix, Albertson’s, Trader Joe’s, or Kroger…

Needless to say, I can’t wait to meet Diane.

-Bev

Good ol’ Gravel Travel

If you don’t know what gravel travel is, I feel sorry for you, let me explain. It’s driving around on gravel roads with icy cold beverages. Gravel travel tends to be popular among the high school set (or at least it was in the late 90s, early 2000s), so it’s been a hot minute since Bev has participated. Last night, however, I got to spend some quality time with my girl, Edith. Edith met my family and me at The Henning House, and after some cornfed steaks and juicy burgers, we set out to Edith’s parents’ house to have some drinks, as her parents were gone (wait, maybe we are still in high school). On our way to Edith’s, her grandma called her and asked Edith to stop at her (grandma’s) house to pick up a couple bottles of booze. Edith’s grandparents have a lake house you see, and they are up there for the weekend, apparently in dire straits concerning the liquor cabinet! (there are liquor stores 10-15 miles away, but… grandmas… ) So, Edith and I packed up a cooler of CLs and hit the rocky trail to Grandma’s house. After a short pit stop to pick up the garage opener at her uncle’s, we also learned we had to find her grandpa’s phone, which was either going to be on the counter, or in his pants pocket on the pants hanging on the bedroom door. #GrandpaLyfe

We were able to quickly locate the booze and phone, and get back to our booze cruise, and I can’t wait for a Snapchat of Grandma and Grandpa drinking a cocktail on the boat tonight.

-Bev

P.S.- The phone was in a little holster on Grandpa’s belt (on the pants hanging on the bedroom door), in case you were wondering.

Is My Boss in the Sauce?

Well, guys, I’m still posted up in Mayberry- you know, where cropdusting actually means cropdusting, and MamaG and I shoot gophers while Smoke puts steel on the shed roof. #ActualEventsYesterday

It’s been a nice trip so far, and I still have seven days to relax before heading back to the grind of everyday life. The trip has been fairly uneventful, but I’ll be sure to have some Mayberry posts up for you in the near future- I’ve been going to a gym here (gold!) and I’m headed out on a photo shoot this morning.

It’s been a while since I’ve checked in with you, though, and I wanted to be sure to share a recent experience I had. I was working on a sort of special assignment for work earlier this month, and my boss for the special project was not my ‘normal’ boss. She was a nice enough woman, who may or may not have been competent enough to hold her position of power, but whatever. I liked her, despite the fact that she brought a dog that she found into her office every day, hiding it from the custodial staff, and forcing me to shriek, nearly piss myself, and run out whenever I went into her office for supplies. I hate people.

Anyway, this ‘boss’ and I pulled up to the office at the same time one morning, and I was grabbing a few things out of my trunk. I had to move my boxing gloves in order to get something else out of the trunk, and later in the day, she actually said, “What was with the boxing gloves? Do you box?”

Now, I understand that she was being nice and trying to make conversation and I appreciate that, but…. 

What I said: “Yeah, I box and it’s a fun (and tough) workout!”

What I wanted to say: “No, I’m a brain surgeon and those are my lucky gloves.”

“No, I’m a park ranger, and we use those to fight the bears.”

“No, I’m a cop and I use those for intimidation.”

“No, I’m a bartender, and I use those to protect from spills/broken glass.”

Oy vey. 

-Bev

*Author’s Note: I am certainly not immune to saying bone-headed shit to people, so I really should be taking it easy on her… see this post for a nice example of me being a moron. And, be sure to read the comments for some Smoke gold.

A Quick Hello

Well, guys, after some wedding fun and a lot of hours in cars, Bev is back in Mayberry. I headed straight to the nearby city to urgent care and got pills for the sinus infection I’ve had for a week, and haven’t done a whole lot since I’ve been here. I’m hoping these antibiotics kick in soon, because I’ve got some things to share with you all (road-tripping with Smoke and MamaG, small-town encounters, and a gym class near Mayberry). For now, I’m hitting the hay early, as Bessie and I have an early workout tomorrow, and then a “day of fun” with our dear nieces. You know, a scavenger hunt to different locations for different snacks and minute to win it games, topped off with a dip in Uncle Bart’s pool, and dirt cups. (We’re not like regular aunts, we’re cool aunts)

Anyhow, I did want to check in here and share one thing I don’t think I’ve ever told you guys about when I visit Mayberry. Whenever someone our family knows dies, MamaG saves the funeral “program” (is that what it’s called?) and puts it on the bookshelf in my room. Great uncles, old family friends, etc.

Because, let me tell ya, nothing says, “Welcome home,” like a picture of your (now dead) third grade teacher.

-Bev

I Couldn’t Be Any MORE Bev Today

I’m pretty sure I have a sinus infection and I’m very sure that I’m hungover, and just listen to my day.

Guys, I got locked in my own backyard today. Then I texted my eyebrow lady that I was going to be late for my appointment (because I was locked in my own backyard) and she called me informing me that I actually didn’t have an appointment today, because of course I effed that up. Fawn came and rescued me (by opening the gate to my yard and releasing me) and then we went to lunch because I didn’t have an eyebrow appointment, and I went to the restroom. The bathroom had a motion light, and I was taking a little longer than normal, and the lights went out. The lights. Went out. Then I went to pick up some contacts because my eye doctor messed up the shipping of my new ones and Drunk Bev lost ol’ leftie last night. Now I’m working at my second job, plotting my next meal, and dying to go home and start packing for a vacation that starts tomorrow. Normal Bev would’ve had her suitcase out for a week and be nearly finished packing, and have a spotless house to leave behind for post-vacation Bev, but sinus infection Bev hasn’t done jack shit this week. At this point, I’m just going to consider it a success if I can leave my yard to get in my car for the road trip tomorrow.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go pick up my credit card from the bar.

-Bev

P.S.- My eyebrow lady (also a friend) was able to squeeze me in, thank God, because Bev keeps these brows fresh, y’all. I wish I could tell you that the brow appointment was the only phantom appointment I made this week. But on Tuesday, I called to see if I could reschedule my appointment for a later time that day, only to find out I had never made that appointment either. They were also able to squeeze me in. The Big Man Upstairs looks out for me, I guess. Which, I think we can all agree, is a good thing. A very good thing.

The Button

Number of times I have used the “panic” button in an emergency: 0

Number of times I have used the “panic” button to locate my lost car in a parking lot: <10

Number of times I have inadvertently used the “panic” because it was pushed up against something in my purse (and then was unable to locate it while my car is blaring at literally the most inopportune times): at least a quadrillion.

At least a quadrillion.

-Bev

 

Bev Hunt

Every time I hear this song on my Sam Hunt Spotify shuffle play, I happen to be a bit under the weather (like today), and I just sing “hungover, hungover, hungover, hungover, hungover” in place of “come over” and laugh to myself as I try not to get a latent-effects DUI on my way to work.

Also, I often get a McDonald’s Diet Coke before work, especially on these days when I’m a bit “off” and today, I wrap up a big special project at work, and have a few weeks off, so I’m rewarding myself with a Diet Coke AND a Dr. Pepper, which I will dump 1/4 of into my Diet Coke once I’ve taken a few sips. I used to ask the workers to put a splash of the Pepp in my DC, but I’m pretty sure I was probably getting 90% Diet Coke, 5% Dr. Pepper, and 5% Employee Loogie, so I rarely ask for it anymore. Today, I’m spending the extra $1 and treating myself. Pretty wild start to my Friday.

-Bev

A Mayberry Independence Day (from afar)

As I told you guys, I was bummed to be away from the small midwestern town I call home for the 4th of July (one of my favorite holidays). I asked some friends and family members to keep me in the loop, and they did not disappoint. Let’s check out a good old-fashioned Mayberry Independence Day, shall we? (note: Mayberry’s celebration always takes place the Saturday before the 4th, so these events took place Saturday and Sunday..)

Let’s start with some photographic evidence of MamaG’s face painting skills- Aunt Polly (Smoke’s sister) got in on the action as well. *Please take note of their “I Love Mayberry” shirts. These were made as a fundraiser a few years ago to raise money for the Mayberry Quasquicentennial. 

What’s a small town Independence Day without a little bags tourney?

After the carnival, everybody goes home for a while to rest up and get ready for the evening’s festivities. You know, the maid-rite supper, the kiddie parade, the drawing, and the fireworks (followed by afties at Henning House). Smoke got pretty fancy for the night.

 

Oh, you might be wondering what the “maid-rite supper” is. Allow me to enlighten you.

Feast your eyes on the pies, guys. (Sorry, I couldn’t stop rhyming) Yeah, those pies are donated by all the ladies from the legion, and let me tell ya- ain’t no Pillsbury crusts on that table.

This next photo is quite possibly the best picture I’ve ever posted here on BG. That’s Marlys on the right. She works the cash drawer at the maidrite supper, and it’s possibly my favorite part of the Mayberry 4th of July. Marlys and her husband Nate (stay tuned) are good family friends, and I definitely asked MamaG before I posted her photo here. Marlys comes to Smoke and MamaG’s house every year for a Christmas tea, and she can add up a plate of maid-rite, potato salad, pie, and a can of pop, etc. faster than anyone I’ve ever met. And, no, she doesn’t give discounts.

While you sit in the shelterhouse, enjoying your maid-rite and pie(s), you’ve got the added bonus of being serenaded by Dan. Dan is a local of a town near Mayberry, and he sets up every year with his accordion, and his flat bed trailer and plays dinner music. He has a sign that says “Dan’s One Man Band” but no one was able to capture that for me. You’ll see the sticker on his Festiva, though. Dan drives a Festiva because of course he does.

Following supper and musical entertainment, there’s a kiddie parade. The kids put on costumes, and literally walk maybe 20 yards through the park and back, and they used to give out prizes, but now I think each kid gets a dollar (because you know, ‘everyone gets a ribbon’- UGH). I would like to point out that Tin Cup and I dressed as Batman and Catwoman one year, and I’m pretty sure we won. Following the parade, there’s also a drawing. Tickets are sold leading up to the event, and also at a card table set up that evening, and prizes for the drawing range from a case of motor oil (won that once), to an “autographed” Scottie Pippen basketball (also won that), to an “indestructible” knife set (also mine), to Henning House gift cards (which my niece, Margaret, won when she was five. A bar gift card. Classic.), to gift cards to the local ice cream parlor a few miles down the highway (Smoke and 9-months-pregnant Keith won those, and both were quite jazzed about their loot. I’m like, whatever, guys, it’s no case of oil, but go on with you bad selves…). Kids get a fudgesicle after the drawing, and shortly after, the fireworks begin! I don’t have as much photographic evidence of these portions of the evening, but remember Marlys? (you better) Here’s her husband, Nate, selling raffle tickets. He, too, gives no discounts. (Nate’s in the middle. The guy on the right is married to the woman in the photo with Marlys [John and Shirley Clemons], and I’m honestly not sure who the fella on the left is- MamaG can let us know when the post goes live).

 

After the fireworks, you have 2 choices… a) go home, or b) go to the Henning House for cocktails. Well, as you may guess, most of my friends and family end up at the Henning House, and I was unbelievably bummed not to be there.

My good friends Agatha and Henrietta rounded out the pre-4th weekend with some moped rides. Reminiscing on the old days! #MopedGangForLyfe

What a wonderful weekend had by all in and around Mayberry.

-Bev

Because Marlys deserves a second look, OK, guys?

MonetG?

As much as I like to visit, it’s not often that I wish I lived back in Mayberry. I have grown accustomed to the “city life” and don’t ever see myself living more than 5 miles from a sushi restaurant, a Target, a grocery store, or a bar. However, I would give almost anything to be in Mayberry this weekend, for many reasons.

  1. Fireworks. And, yes, I know that everywhere has fireworks. I prefer my explosives to be shot off mere blocks from where I parked my car, and in close proximity to the Henning House. Ain’t nobody got time for Ubers to get to, and crowds to watch with, OK?
  2. Aunt Sue and Uncle Bart’s pool. Again, can I find a pool in MyCity? Of course I can, you fool. But is it free? No. Is it near a fridge full of cold beer (sometimes stocked by me, but mostly stocked by Aunt Sue)? No. Is there a potential that I could try to shoot some birds? No.
  3. Mayberry Mania. There are some events that epitomize small Midwestern towns happening in Mayberry this weekend. A carnival hosted by the Mayberry Library, probably a firemen’s pancake breakfast, most likely some outdoor church services and the like. Goddamn, I’d love to get my hands on some pancakes and little smokies made by the Mayberry volunteer firefighters, but that’s not going to happen this year for the 4th. However, I’d like to realign your attention on the Mayberry Library carnival. Now, I have to give a little shoutout to the Mayberry Library here. I can’t give out too much information without revealing the actual location of Mayberry (the firemen and the library ain’t ready for the crowds, y’all), but it’s a sweet little library, and many of my friends and family members are involved/on the board/volunteer/donate, etc. (MamaG was even the Library Board President for a while, guys.) Bev is still a card-holding member of the library, and often utilizes it for its books and movies when she’s home (Library card #543 if anyone is wondering). Anyhoo, the real reason I wish I was back in Mayberry today has to do with the carnival. As I just mentioned, a lot of my friends and family members are involved with the library. And today? It’s all hands on deck for the event. I mean, they’ve got a petting zoo (literally just animals from people’s farms- none of this “rent a pony” shit), hot dogs, inflatable shit, and face painting. And guess who I just talked to who was headed “into town” to paint faces? You guessed it! The one and only MamaG! I laughed so hard I nearly lost my bath towel on our FaceTime chat, and she rolled her eyes, but promised to send me some pictures of her artwork. Mayberry friends and fam: please document these masterpieces and send them my way!

Go get ’em, MonetG!

-Bev