“Sorry I’m late, boss, I stayed up way too late watching Kim Kardashian’s Instagram live video on how to use her contour kit. And then I was doing Google research to see if Wilford Brimley is alive.”
(He is.)
-Bev
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Bevvy G
Well, guys, I really wanted to post this last Friday, but it turns out I was staying at a condo in the middle of nowhere, with no wifi. I didn’t even know that was possible, but apparently, it is, and I wasn’t able to throw this bitch out there. You see, last weekend was all about celebrating cousin Bessie, and I wanted the world to see this stellar pic of her. I also wanted to follow up with my most recent (surprise) F.A.F., as this is the “bummer car” I spoke of (in reference to putting Mario in the front seat). I’m not sure if I mentioned it or not, but cousin Bessie loved the bummer car, and she just happened to find a photo of herself standing in front of it the same week that I posted about the ol’ jalopy!
Bessie and the Bummer Car. #RelationshipGoals
If you aren’t sure whether or not you know cousin Bessie, you may also know her as Animal_nut_23, as that was her first email address handle.
Cheers to Bess! (and the bummer car)
-Bev
P.S.- Remind me to tell you the story of when Smoke and MamaG sold the bummer car. Pretty epic shit.
Bev took a long weekend and headed to somewhere in middle America to celebrate cousin Bessie. Bessie’s wedding is coming up and this weekend was her epic bachelorette bash. The weekend included (but is not limited to)1:
-25 ladies split between 2 condos
-an unexpected zipline for some participants
-a Toyota Yaris with no cruise control, center console/arm rest, or remote to lock/unlock from outside
-2 clogged toilets
-a seasick chick who is also terrified of drowning, wearing a life vest while alternating between lying down on and puking off of our boat, then spending nearly $200 on shots during the 3-hour boat ride
-MamaG and Aunt Sue cleaning puke out of their bedroom carpet
-a broken hide-a-bed which caused 2 fairly grisly injuries (see picture below. The other injury involves a slice down the middle of another one of the attendees’ face… and said attendee is getting married in 5 days)
-a very in-depth conversation about (and discovery of one friend’s very real fear of) dry sockets
-speaking of irrational fears, one attendee consistently asking if she still had her teeth following the boat ride
-dancing with a senior citizen wearing a bolo tie
-the boat bartender handing us a bottle of Tito’s when the boat captain wasn’t looking
-6 pounds of nacho cheese (amongst at least 100 pounds of other food)
-boat dancing that can never be discussed again
-Jell-o shots in a Walmart bag
-Uncle Bart’s cigars (unbeknownst to him)
-an ID-less, debit card-less bride to be
Needless to say, Bev is a bit tired tonight, and is going to bed. It’d be real nice if Beyoncé and JayZ could release the names of their kids so I could sleep, though.
-Bev
1Names and identities have been left out to protect the innocent.
Did you guys know that they apparently still manufacture cars without cruise control? I don’t necessarily wanna talk about how I know this right now, but if you need me, I’ll be icing my right foot, ankle, and calf muscles.
#FirstWorldProblems #OopsI’mGoing90 #AaaaandNowGoing35
-Bev
Bev, upon first alarm in the morning: “Shit.”
Bev, upon last alarm, and finally getting in the shower in the morning: “Ugh.”
Bev, at 9:30 a.m. at work: “Jesus, I can’t wait to take a nap.”
Bev, when she could nap: “Ya know, what if I nap and then I can’t sleep tonight? I’ll just go to bed early!”
Bev, crawling in bed (maybe early, maybe not): “Has that chick from work worn that dress twice this week? Remember those wafer cookies that Smoke loved that were made in Fon du Lac, Wisconsin? I wonder if they still make those. Remember your crazy old boss, McKeel? God, she was crazy as hell. I wonder if she’s still alive. Are you going to the gym tomorrow? *checks MindBody app on phone* I really want a mortar and pestle. What are they used for? I’m not sure, but they’re cool. What is Wayne’s last name? I mean, I know it’s Garth Algar, but Wayne ______ ? *Google informs me- Wayne Campbell* What ever happened to Debbie Matenopoulos from The View?”
And people wonder why I drink. Try living this for one day, people.
SQUIRREL.
-Bev
Guys, I have been busy as all hell the last two weeks (i.e.: I was celebrating the finalization of a big project at work, planned and executed two parties, had guests in town, and haven’t been 100% sober since 1997), and have neglected you. I know, and I’m sorry, but I’m about to make it up to you in a big, big way.
Like, F.A.F. big. You see, I noticed not long ago, that two of my last Funny Animal Friday posts were the same picture! (click on the F.A.F. tab on my home page and scroll down for .2 seconds to see it for yourself) Beverly Goddamn Goldenstein, pull your head outta your ass! So, here I am to make this up to you.
The picture below is of my “family dog” growing up. I say that in quotation marks, because as you probably know, I literally didn’t ever do anything with this dog, and when he went missing when I was in high school, I didn’t notice until MamaG told me two weeks later. (let it be known that he lived/slept in the shed where I parked my car, and I still had no clue…) Meet Mario Luigi Goldenstein (I think you’ve seen him once before, but today’s photo is more of a portrait, so it deserves a more formal introduction).
The one and only Goldenstein family pet (well, Maude had a bird for a while, until she forgot to feed it when we went on a trip, and I think I had a fish once?), but pretty much the only Goldenstein family pet. The one who once got his head stuck in a cat food can. The one we used to put in our “bummer car” (an old farm car) and drive around our yard. (Don’t worry, Maude would let Mario sit shotgun when Bev sat in the back). Oh, and speaking of Maude’s sisterly dictatorship, take one guess as to why Mario was the first name and Luigi the middle. #PlayerOne #PlayerTwo #CoinFlip
Oh, and the one who occasionally wore a headscarf hankie.
Mario.
And for those of you who actually care about Mario’s disappearance, we really don’t know what happened, but Smoke and MamaG assumed that Mario may have met his maker when he wandered onto the yard of a not-so-dog-friendly neighbor and his firearm. Because, #MidwestLyfe.
Oh, and before you go feeling bad for Mario and other dogs whose neighbors don’t forgive the trespasses against them (Lord’s Prayer reference- bet you never thought you’d see that here!), please research the man who was attacked by a service dog on a Delta flight this week. I literally am not calm enough about this situation to type words yet, but the thoughts in my head? They ain’t nice.
Keep. Your. Dog. Where. It. Belongs.
And for those who need a refresher: My favorite post I’ve ever written.
Signing off, ‘cuz I gots a hot date with Fawn tonight, y’all, and these pregame glasses of wine ain’t gonna drink themselves.
-Bev
Is she some kind of badass who needs to wear gloves, or does she have hyperhidrosis, and she’s afraid to fall off the death machine onto her teeth?
We’ll never know.
-Bev
Guys, today is a special day in the life of Beverly Goldenstein. Today marks the anniversary of two very special people in my life. The ones who gave me life. Like, without them, there would be no me. If it weren’t for their daily sacrifices and struggles, I could never live the life I do. Without their tremendous impact in my life, I might literally be selling crack on the streets or not matching my purses to my shoes.
Happy anniversary, Kim and Kanye!
(Now, go back and read all that bullshit with singular nouns… #KimForLife)
And, Kanye… see 1:08 mark.
YouTube credit: FNAWarwick
-Bev
Aunt Sue is gunning for Smoke as most popular Bev feature.
2 hours later….
Well, Sue, the world wants to know- what’s in the mug?
-Bev (and the Bevhive)
Guys, remember Spot Sue Saturday? You know, where Uncle Bart incessantly takes pictures of Aunt Sue on vacation, and adds them all to Snapchat? If not, you can reminisce here, here, here, and here.
Well, we’ve got a special edition here today, because Uncle Bart, Aunt Sue, and Bessie had a fuuuuun night in our college town last night (I say “our” because nearly all the members of my family attended school here at some point, and it holds a special place in all our hearts).
*faces and most location names covered to protect the… alcocent?
Hope you had a great time, Aunt Sue, and that someone got you some blue Gatorade this morning!!! I hope to see this behavior replicated in just a few weeks at Bessie’s bachelorette party!!
-Bev