If you haven’t heard, I went on a small-town dive bar crawl for New Year’s Eve, and I had the most fun I’ve had in years on that dumbass holiday. What made it so great, you ask? Well, there were many factors:
a) I had a DD. Bev might be one reckless sonofabitch in many ways, but she don’t take too kindly to drinking and driving, and in the Mayberry area, the Ubers aren’t exactly lining the corn fields, so… I often get drunk on Smoke and MamaG’s couch for New Year’s Eve (which isn’t half bad). Shoutout to pregnant cousin-in-law, Keith for driving! (also shoutout to Timmy and Keith’s car, which is equipped with remote start. That comes in handy in December in the Midwest)
b) I wore jeans. I have never worn some sparkly dress and heels on New Year’s Eve, and I hope I never will.
c) I was home by 9:00. You see, we had Timmy and Keith’s toddler with us, and part of our plan was to be home by her bedtime. This aids in hangover prevention.
d) I genuinely liked all of the people along for the journey. Timmy, Keith, Adeline, and Edith. #SQUAD
So, now for the fun part. The lineup. We were only able to go to four bars in our four or so hours (keep in mind, these bars are all at least ten miles from the next, so at least half the night was spent in the car jamming out to Timmy’s bullshit country tunes with the occasional Dr. Dre to keep the rest of us happy).
Bar #1: The VFW
Highlights:
My conversation at the bar with an older gentleman, who is obviously a regular.
Reg: “Well, young lady, are you ready to ring in the new year?”
Bev: “Yep.”
Reg: “I’m gonna have one more beer and go home and park the car. Then if I wanna come back, I’ll walk up. It’s only two blocks.”
I mean, he could’ve saved himself $0.10 in gas, and about five minutes worth of hassle, but if there’s one thing I know in this life, it’s that you don’t tell VFW regulars what to do, man.
Dear VFW regular,
I hope you didn’t get a DUI in those two blocks. I also hope you came back to ring in the new year!
Love,
Bev
Visual highlights below… Please take special note of the cemetery photos, the chairs that had to have come from a nursing home garage sale, and the courageous bald eagle next to the sign about kicking out minors by 9 p.m. I mean, what if these minors are extremely courageous? Then can they stay? Courageous Eagle holds all the secrets. Oh, and while I was enjoying Keith’s free service, I would’ve absolutely loved to have called that number for a ride home. Hey- I wonder if my friend, the regular, called for a two-block chauffeur!
Bar #2: The VIP Lounge
Highlights: The $1 ‘seizure’ shots. Timmy had gotten his small-town bars mixed up, and thought it was the VIP that had signature shots, when in reality, it was a different bar that we didn’t hit up (this time). So, Timmy ordered us “signature shots” and came back with what were essentially teeny tiny Bloody Marys. I now wonder if the bartender actually called these ‘Caesars‘ and Timmy misheard, but that’s beside the point. The point being… have you ever tried to SHOOT a Bloody Mary? It ain’t easy.
We also (purposely) ran into Timmy’s and my second cousin, Emma, at the bar. She was pretty much our bar crawl coordinator via Facebook, so it was nice to get to see her for a few. Thanks, Emma, for the hookups and advice! I am never going to delete the screen shot I took of your list! #CompleteTheListNYE2017
Visual highlights below: the plastic American flag on the wall, the locals (and the sunken bar, making you feel like Shaq when ordering drinks while standing at it), the freewill donation snack table (#ChipsAndDip), and last but far, far from least… the welcoming committee.
Bar #3: Crystal Lake Bar (located in… you guessed it! Crystal Lake!)
Highlights: Everything. Just everything. Capture the most visual highlights here, as it was my clear favorite. From the dirty pirate hooker in a cage in the corner, to the creative Wi-Fi name, the fried platter o’shit, to the “2.50 can beer until gone” sign, to the open jukebox (they even gave Edith a cash refund when she put in $3 to play songs!), to the bug zapper just riiiiiiight out in the open, to the possible blood stain on a table leaned up against the wall, to the pool cue storage area that complimented my boobs, I heart you, Crystal Lake Bar!
Bar #4: Dirty’s
Highlights: The name.
And when the bartender called Timmy a ‘softie’ and brought him a Tootsie Roll shot when she delivered Rumpleminze for Edith and Bev.
Visual highlights below. The deer theme lives on, some cosmopolitan interior design on display, another room with a strong nursing home vibe, and an extremely appetizing menu.
So, there you have it, folks. The best New Year’s Eve of my life involved $2.50 cans of Coors Light and a looooooot of bald eagles.
-Bev
P.S. You may notice a difference in the font color here. No, this isn’t a buzzed oversight on Bev’s part. There are some big visual changes a-brewin’ over here at Casa de Goldenstein, and font color is just the tip of the iceberg- stay tuned!
P.P.S. A part of me feels like ‘bald eagle’ should be capitalized, but I can only find mixed reviews online and I’m tired. Someone with some knowledge of capitalization and/or patriotism, please consult.
