Oh Kris Jenner, Oh Kris Jenner,
Whoring kids out since ’07!
Oh Kris Jenner, Oh Kris Jenner,
You have no place in Heaven!
Money-hungry barracuda1,
Watch your daughters pose nude-a!
Oh Kris Jenner, Oh Kris Jenner,
How do you sleep at night?
YouTube credit: Sinisa Vuksan
1MamaG gets all the credit for that term.
They came upon Kim’s sex tape,
That glorious footage of old,
Of Ray-J bending Kim over,
To touch her heart of gold.
“Peace on the earth, good will to Kris,
There was no R.Kelly piss.”
The world has never been the same
Since Kim and Ray-J came.
-Beverly Goldenstein
YouTube credit: gracehom251
You know Kimmy and Kourtney and Mason and Northie
Don’t get me started on Kendall and Kylie.
But do you recall
The most real Kardashian of all?
Khloe, the drunkest Kardash
Also has a big, fat ass.
And if you ever saw it,
You’d appreciate its mass.
All of the other sisters
Used to laugh and call her names
They didn’t think poor Khloe
Deserved the money or the fame.
Then one foggy L.A. night,
Lamar came to say,
“Khloe with your ass so fat
Won’t you be my wife with ‘dat?”
Then how the sisters loved her
As they shouted out with glee,
Lamar, the sex-fueled cokehead,
He’ll earn us a front-page spread!
-Beverly Goldenstein
YouTube credit: Geethanjali Kids – Rhymes and Stories
Hark! Kourtney’s annoying,
Scott’s heartstrings- she’s always toying!
Cut the cord and find a black dude,
Then you’ll fit in with the brood!
Kim takes heat but your voice sucks,
Without Kim, you’d make zero bucks!
She bought you a f***ing career,
With her ass to the stratosphere!
Hark, Kourtney’s annoying!
Though, she prob’ly rocks a G-string…
YouTube credit: gracehome251
For reference:
YouTube credit: Hollywood Life
The First North West, your mother did say,
Your dad is a shithead, his name’s Kanye.
I can’t believe I married this creep,
On a warm Italian day, and nothing was cheap.
North West, North West, North West, North West,
In hopes of Beyoncé, I covered my breasts!
I looked up and ain’t no Jay,
Names were etched in marble- make them pay!
How dare Jayoncé stand us up?
Mom promised the paparazzi closeups!
North West, North West, North West, North West,
With myself, I am so obsessed.
-Beverly Northenstein
YouTube credit: InstrumentalPraise
Sainty Baby, slip your mom my phone number, please, oh please.
Been an awful good girl.
Sainty Baby, just get Bev’s digits into the phone.
Sainty Baby, Mom and Bev are drunk again- oh no- oh yes!
I’ll wait up for her, dear.
Sainty Baby, just get Bev’s digits into the phone.
-Beverly SantaClausenstein
YouTube credit: genyinalamp
OK, here it is, my pals. Day One.
Or Day Twelve. Whatever. The first installment of The Twelve Days of Kimsmas, and we throw it back to one of the biggest tragedies of my lifetime.
However, before you enjoy this post, I must give you The Twelve Days of Kimsmas rules:
1) I prefer you read all of the posts in this series with a cocktail in your hand. Please comment below with your Bev of choice (see what I did there?)
2) You must scroll to the bottom of each post and start the music before you read the words. You must.
3) If it makes you laugh, share it. Share it with your mom (she’ll love it!), share it on Facebook, share it with someone who works at Coors Light who would like to sponsor me, share it with a celebrity who will make me go viral and be able to quit my job (I can think of one celeb, in particular…)
4) Enjoy, man.
Humphries, we couldn’t stand you
With your tall and goofy ass,
There’s no way you bought that ring,
Score a point? You can’t even pass.
Huuuuuuumphries, you may be the worst.
Huuuuuuumphries, you may be the worst of all.
Humphries, why the lawsuit?
Without her, you’re nobody.
With that face and those ball skills,
You probably drive a Grand Prix.
Huuuuuuumphries, you may be the worst.
Huuuuuuumphries, you may be the worst of all.
-Beverly Goldenstein
YouTube Credit: gracehome251
I’ve got an early holiday present for you all. An all new series of posts that I may be more proud of than I am of F.A.F., and I freakin’ love F.A.F. I’ve only been working on this one for a few days now, but trust me, you don’t want to miss it. It’s The Twelve Days of Kimsmas. Yes, twelve days straight of Kim-related posts! Now, before you go writing me off, and unsubscribing, hear me out (please). I know Kim is polarizing. You love her or you hate her; there really is no in-between. And I know I’m no stranger to penning polarizing posts (like this one), but I think even you Kim-haters are going to like this new series. I promise it’s not all about Kim and how I love that she wanted to match her stroller to her baby’s skin tone and how she blow dries her jewelry before she puts it on so it isn’t too cold. It’s actually kind of the opposite. And love her or hate her, you’re gonna wanna stick around for the next twelve days of Kimsmas (which actually involves nearly all of the dysfunctional family, but you know I had to put my girl in the headline).
So, do yourself a favor, and get this YouTube video to the 3:55 mark before you start. Also, don’t watch the video, because there are some spelling errors and that makes me insane. Read below as the music plays instead. There are also probably spelling errors, because I am insane.
YouTube credit: Musical Drewby
On the twelfth day of Kimsmas
My true love gave to me
Humphries the loser,
Saint hooks Bev up,
North by North West,
Kourtney’s annoying,
Koko is loco,
Kim and Ray J’s sex tape,
Momager’s to blame,
Reggie!
Bruce Jenner update,
Rob’s fat ass,
Kanye’s the worst,
And a Parisian robbery!
I’ll see y’all tomorrow. Because I know you can’t wait.
-Beverly Kardashenstein
It’s been a while since I’ve posted a Funny Animal Friday, and if I’m being 100% honest, it’s because I am down to my last few original F.A.F. pictures from my phone, and I a) can’t decide in which order to use them and b) I don’t want this party to end.
I know, I know, there are thousands- millions– of funny animal photos online. But it wouldn’t be authentic. It wouldn’t be Bev. It wouldn’t be the original forty eight photos I dug up out of my camera roll. So, I bring you this week’s F.A.F., my friends, but please know that the future of F.A.F. is up in the air. I’m going to talk to God about it, and I’ll let you know what He tells me to do. I’m also going to talk to my credit union to see if I want to pay for another year of web hosting1, or if this here website is also possibly going to be gone for good. I gotta tell ya, folks… Bevvy G doesn’t exactly have the extra cash laying around to fund this shitshow of a life blog, and, well, Coors Light hasn’t offered up that sponsorship yet. However, it pains me to delete all of this hard work, and to leave www.beverlygoldenstein.com vacant. I’mma see what JC says on that one too. (JC as in Jesus Christ, not JC Chasez of *NSYNC)
OK, I’m going to put all of my feelings away and get right down to it.
I won’t tell you that the reason I chose this pic for this week is because I think I effed up my right wrist in a kickboxing class. I also won’t tell you that I found out just how sore/effed up it was on Thanksgiving evening when I went bowling with my family. And I definitely won’t tell you about how my family’s favorite Thanksgiving tradition is bowling.
Happy Friday, y’all.
Life is like a case o’beer. You never know how drunk you’ll get.
-Bev
1I have no idea what would actually happen if I stop paying for the blog. Do I own beverlygoldenstein.com? Will all of my content go away? Will I still exist, and have a birthday, fingerprints, and a charred liver? I need to call on my more technical girls for some help here. Edith and Nina Applebottom, shoot your girl a text. We gots to figure this out before mid-January.
And, because… in all seriousness, who can say no to Forrest?
YouTube credit: jwoods813
Well, the month of gratitude is behind us (thank God- J/K), and we’re officially in ‘Christmas season’ as some may call it. Young boys and girls around the world are making their lists, which are often nearly a mile long.
Mine? It’s very short.
All I want for Christmas is for Kim Kardashian to come out of hiding/social media silence and grace us all with her ridiculousness once again.
Kanye hospital pictures optional.
Santa? SANTA!?!?
-Bev