Bevvy G

Bev is not into Halloween, in general (it’s one of those amateur holidays, where the fair weather drinkers come out and take up space in the bar line. Not my jam). However, the last few years, I have gotten into some aspects of Halloween. Mostly, pumpkins. I like to decorate with pumpkins, eat and drink pumpkin-flavored things, and carve pumpkins.

Last year, I went for the Pinterest-like “classy” Jack-o’-lantern: a white pumpkin with sporadically placed circles carved out (Smokey G- if you find rotten pieces of pumpkin in the hollow end of that one screwdriver where you can change the head, I know nothing). The pumpkin turned out great, and you can hardly see the hole I burned in my pants when lighting the candle.

This year, I went for a little more of the “classic” Jack-o’-lantern: orange pumpkin with a goofy ass face carved out. The pumpkin turned out great, and you can hardly see the football-sized pumpkin-scented “regular” candle sitting inside the little bastard’s grin (because I forgot to buy tea lights).

Next year, I think I’m gonna knock this drumpkin carving thing outta the park, y’all. 

I have a pumpkin-scented candle inside a goddamn pumpkin.

-Bev

I know I’ve been absent (sorry, man), but I’ve got a time-sensitive matter on my hands here… If any of you think that you could teach me how to successfully rent a movie off of iTunes, and actually watch it on my laptop (before it expires because I can somehow start it but then not watch it), I would gladly pay you an amount equivalent to what I’ve spent renting (and subsequently, wasting) movies off iTunes for the last … eight years or so. 

Which is probably nearly $100 at this point.

Same goes for someone who can teach me how to successfully connect to the free TV on Southwest Airlines every. damn. time. I fly.

And why do they advertise Free Wi-Fi, but you have to be in airplane mode, but then when you’re in airplane mode and try to connect to Wi-Fi, it says you can’t be in airplane mode?

I think I live my life in airplane mode.

I need to be in some sort of assisted living facility. BECAUSE I NEED ASSISTANCE. WITH LIVING.

-Bev

I wish you had all been here just now, when I was peeing and spotted a spider on the toilet paper roll right next to me.

I won’t provide you all of the details, but let’s just say, #TinyBitOfPeeOnTheFloor is trending in the Goldenstein casa right now. 

I mean, I know you probably don’t wish you had been here just now, when I was peeing and spotted a spider on the toilet paper roll right next to me. But I do.

#Ninja #CatLikeReflexes #EasilyStartled #IJustScrubbedTheDamnFloorOnSaturday #Disinfectant #TMI 

-Beverly GoldenPeen

Well, if you aren’t Facebook friends with Bev, shame on you then you missed the latest in the shitshow I call life. 

I just knocked a fullllllllll glass of wine off of my nightstand, splashing the Lord’s nectar all over the damn place.

I mean, I am 5’9″ and the top of my mattress nearly comes up to my waist (tall mattress and bed risers to fit more clothes underneath), and the only reason I knew the wine spilled was because it splashed onto my glasses (which I’m still wearing due to my eye almost falling out from cat allergy from Monday).

I then quickly realized there was legitimately spilled wine everywhere in my room. Like, you know how blood spatter can be tested with Luminol? Well, I’m not sure how you can detect Chardonnay, but I’m pretty sure it’s never coming out of these walls, carpets, and Brangelina’s face on the cover of the People magazine on my floor. Oh, and the best part is, the glass seemed to tip riiiiiiight onto a little extension cord I have peeking out from the bottom of my bed to plug in my iPhone charger and lamp. If I don’t show up for work tomorrow, everybody go to brunch, print out funeral bulletins of my face Photoshopped onto Kim’s body, and donate my liver to the Smithsonian.

Oh, and save Smoke and MamaG some money on the Luminol. That substance on the wall? It’s Chardonnay. It’s Chardonnay, OK?

Come on, Bev. You’re better than this. This is a rookie mistake. Protect the wine, Bev. Protect the wine. 

Wine in my slippers,
wine on my purse.
If I was a rapper,
this would be my first verse.

Wine on my carpet.
wine on my ‘zines.
If I’m electrocuted,
wine on the crime scene(s).

Wine on my nightstand,
wine on my clean sheets.
Wine in my carpet,
glad it doesn’t rot like the meats

Wait, just wait a second…
maybe rapping really is my life’s calling.
My room smells of Chardonnay,
wiping up the spill, I’m definitely stalling.

Plan B it is,
let’s check the fridge.
Never been so happy to see some Coors Lights,
Go to bed, Beverly, just turn out the damn lights.

YouTube credit: Em-Tea

Sorry for the vulgarity, but I am really channeling my inner Rabbit right now. 

-Beverly Rabbitstein

Well, Bev had an unexpected day off today, due to an allergic reaction in my right eye. It wasn’t really painful, or any big deal at all really, but it looked pretty raunchy, so I decided to take a sick day and head in to my eye doctor.

a) taking an unexpected Monday off (while having a legit reason, and a doctor’s note for said day off, yet with minimum pain/discomfort) = good

b) finding out that you are most likely allergic to cats = better

c) having one of your lifelong dreams (cat allergy) come true… on what ended up basically being a ‘free day’… the day after Kim Kardashian gets robbed at gunpoint in Paris, so you can be glued to news sources = BEST. DAY. EVER.

-Bev

What’s the first product you think of when you hear the word Dyson?

Vacuum, right?

Well, I just saw an ad for a Dyson hair dryer, and now this is all I can think of:

YouTube Credit: JaredG

Be careful out there, guys.

-Bev