Have you all heard about Amazon Dash? Basically, it’s a little button that you put next to a household product that you frequently order (i.e.: laundry detergent, garbage bags, paper towels, etc.), and when you run out of that item, you just hit the button and Amazon charges your account and ships you refills of the necessary item.
a) Seriously, is this the goddamn future?
and
b) Over/under on two weeks until drunk Bev orders 36 cases of paper towels?
-Bev
I’m not 100% sure that there is a Heaven.
But I am 100% sure that, if there is one, we will all find out what happened to JonBenét when we get there.
-Bev
P.S.- Bev has a lot of thoughts on the afterlife and what constitutes Heaven and Hell. That’s another post, but in short: Heaven= beer. Hell= cats.
The first half of this Funny Animal Friday has been planned for a while, and I’ve been excited to bring it to you.
If you’ve been reading Bev for a while, then you’ve been introduced to Dave. Dave is a cousin of my friend, Petunia Smalls, and one of my favorite animals, mostly due to the fact that she is a female named Dave.
And also, because she wears outfits like this:
I mean, that’s a Jansport backpack, guys. Bev doesn’t have a Jansport backpack. Dave, you damn hipster, you!
Now, with all of that being said, the second half of this post comes as a complete shock, and a real blow to the F.A.F. community.
I received a text earlier this week from my good pal, Petunia, that Dave has passed onto Hamster Heaven. Or Guinea Pig Heaven. Maybe Gerbil Heaven? I really have no clue, but the point here is: Dave is gone. Of course, she’s in a better place, but that doesn’t make it easier on any of us down here. Rest in Peace, Dave.
I’d like to invite you all to take a moment to remember Dave. Dave was a loyal hamster. Or guinea pig or gerbil. Dave made a great pilgrim, and Dave had impeccable taste in red wine.
Savor your memories of Dave, my friends. For she is was a female named Dave.
Petunia Smalls and family, our hearts go out to you.
-Bev
P.S.- in lieu of flowers, please send cases of white wine to:
Beverly Goldenstein
35 NorthWest Silver Bullet Boulevard
MyCity, USA 12345
It’s what Dave would’ve wanted.
Fawn and I we going to a vegan restaurant tonight. (Out of curiosity, mostly)
Obviously, I plan to order a ribeye to see if I can make our server pass out.
Also, vegans can drink wine, right? Or do I need to pack some heat?
-Bev
I am a grown-ass woman (years-wise anyway), and I consider myself to be a decent cook. I enjoy cooking, having people over for dinner, taking meals to new-mom friends, etc.
But for the love of everything holy, I. can. not. make. rice.
So, it’s happening. I’m officially throwing in the towel. I have tried (and LOVE) the individual serving microwavable rice, but my frugality and persistence to learn usually kicks in, and before long, I’m back to the boil-it-yourself bags of cheap-ass rice. No more. No. MORE.
Despite the price
Of the pre-made rice…
I’m giving in to the microwave.
Just think of all the time (and stress) I’ll save.
Individual Minute Brown Rice Cups, you’re mine.
And to this revelation, let’s all just raise a stein.
If any of you are interested in teaching Bev how to successfully make her own cheap rice, please comment here.
And, while I’m at it- if any of you know how to also get Facebook to stop allowing people to send me Pirate Kings requests, also comment here.
-Chef B.
Well, I survived the weekend in my college town for a wedding and football game (barely, obviously).
I could give you the boring rundown. You know the one about how I woke up Sunday morning with a skinned elbow, and a swollen and black and blue hand, or how I made a bit of an ass of myself while giving a bridesmaid’s speech, but let’s be real- none of those things surprise you.
What might surprise you?
The fact that I survived a four hour car ride Sunday with two things that should never be in mixed company: a Category F5 hangover in the backseat (me) and a savage human, eating a bag of beef jerky in the front seat (most definitely not me).
A bag of beef jerky.
In a car.
With a NearPuker in the background.
The nerve.
Seriously, I feel like someone could submit me for some kind of Purple Heart/Nobel Prize, etc. for not projectile vomiting all over the inside of a Nissan Rogue this weekend.
-Bev
P.S.- no disrespect to people who’ve won real Purple Hearts and Nobel Prizes. As long as they don’t disrespect me for not puking when that bag o’jerky opened, and that aroma hit my nostrils.
P.P.S.- this was Bev’s ninth time being a bridesmaid. Ninth. Raise your hand (aka: comment) if you’re interested in a “Wedding Wednesday” series outlining Bridesmaid Bev’s antics. (If you’re reading here, chances are, I was one of your attendants, and chances are even better that you regret it)
Fakeout Funny Animal Friday.
Bev’s in her college town, folks. I’m typing this up Thursday night, and well… sometimes you just have to take the words of Drake:
-Beverly I’mOffMyTwentyEightDayCleanseWhichWasActuallyATwentySixDayCleanse Goldenstein
Oh, don’t worry about it, Forever 21. It’s not like I wanted to wear these $7 sunglasses this weekend. And it’s not like I have to work a full day, go to my grad school class, and get a spray tan before I leave town at 6 am tomorrow, Forever 21.
This will be me when I go to return these (either in a flying panic on my way to class tonight, or next week, when they will be slightly less useful to me).
2:51 mark…
YouTube Credit: Movieclips
Oh, and this picture was taken after the Mod Podge came out.
And we all know what happens when I try to use any type of glue stronger than Elmer’s.
Pic cred: http://blackcatvintagetrials.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/kspr-christmas-vacation-7-best-moments-from-ch-008.jpg
-Beverly Sobchak-Griswold
Today, I thought I had grown two new age spots, like, literally overnight. When I went to the bathroom after lunch at work, I noticed I had two new light brown speckles- one right under my right eye, and one on my right nostril.
After further investigation, I discovered that the ‘age spots’ were actually just a little leftover splatter from the balsamic caramelized onions I had on my salad at lunch. A hit and runion, if you will.
-Bev
Right nostril. Hit and runion. MY NOSE IS PUNNY, GUYS.
I’m taking a shot of ZzzQuil and going to bed now.
I’m sitting in a coffee shop, trying to complete a few hours of the insane amount of work I have to do right now, before heading home to watch some college football (can I get a HELL YEAH?). Bev is 6 days out from the end of a 28-day dry-out (but who’s counting?), and has gotten up at 4:45 am ten out of the last twelve days of life, so I’m skipping the bar scene this weekend, and I’ll be watching MyTeam from the comfort of my own couch. Without the discomfort of pants. It’s going to be great.
However, my current situation at the goddamned hipster coffee shop:
a) There’s a group of people here after their CrossFit workout, and one of the (very beefy) guys is wearing a brightly colored “Dia De Los Deadlifts” shirt and what appear to be women’s workout leggings.
b) There’s a skull on my table.
c) A skull.
d) The hipster music can be heard over my music in my headphones. (OK, and a bit ago, my song ended and for some reason, another didn’t start up, so I was just sitting here with headphones on- nothing coming through them- so I’ll take some of the blame for that one).
e) The decor includes a Ducati, hipster clothing for sale, boxing gloves, and old-time barber paraphernalia in this hipster coffee shop. And an odd amount of animal horns (antlers?), bones, skulls, etc. There’s also a metallic accent element, so I can appreciate this gold Coca-Cola bottle, but my Lord, I can’t pick up the vibe in here.
I literally just noticed what I think is a SAW as I typed that. Is there a saw in this coffee shop? WTF?
For those of you who really know me/where I live, you probably know where I am. So if I’m not rapid-fire texting you when MyTeam scores later, I am probably in the basement of this coffee shop, soon to be the next skull on the wall. (sans antlers, I hope)
-Bev
P.S.- What is the difference between horns and antlers? And wolves, coyotes, and foxes? And beavers and otters (the list goes on), but for real, is there a distinction between horns and antlers?
And P.P.S. Because I had to.
YouTube credit: vorantvacuity