Bevvy G

I’m just wondering if they were buying or selling?

-Beverly “Mean, Drunk, and Smelly” Goldenstein

Remember on Tuesday when I told you to come back to hear about how my cousin, Timmy, sold a mouse-infested car to this little sister, Bessie? Well, here we go. I honestly don’t remember all of the details very well here (Timmy, Keith, Bessie, and Alfred can probably add some more clarity in the comment section) but basically, Timmy and Keith had a Honda CR-V, but they had just welcomed their second child, and were upgrading to the pimpmobile Honda Odyssey that Keith has now. Nothing was wrong with the CR-V, and Bessie and Alfred were in the market for a new vehicle, so a sale was arranged. This was right around the time of Bessie and Alfred’s wedding, so there was a lot of activity, and Bessie and Alfred didn’t really need the CR-V until they returned from their honeymoon. Timmy and Keith stored the vehicle in a shed for them, but not before I got a ride home in the vehicle with Timmy the Sunday after Bessie and Alfred’s wedding. Our family congregated at the “wedding hotel” for Casey’s breakfast pizza, mimosas, and to see B&A off on their honeymoon. For whatever reason, I rode home from that gathering with Timmy, and we both noticed a slight stench in the car, but it wasn’t anything major. I mean, Bev was riding in it at noon the day after a wedding and not dry heaving, so you know it really wasn’t a horrible smell.  We stopped off at a gas station which housed a Taco John’s so that Timmy could buy an air freshener for the car (and so I could get some Potato Oles- duh). Timmy dropped me off at home, went to his house, and the car/smell were quickly forgotten.

Until Bessie and Alfred returned from their honeymoon (the one where they literally escaped a hurricane). This is where my memories/knowledge of the mousuation are hazy, but I am pretty sure the smell was still there (slightly more potent) and that… well, one day when Alfred was driving the car, I believe a baby mouse rolled across the passenger seat floor mat and all hell kinda broke loose. I believe Alfred was able to get rid of the baby mouse (don’t come at us about what he did with it, because I’m pretty sure it doesn’t involve a cage, a a shoe box lined with soft hay, or a damn hamster wheel for activity time) and then they called my dad to see if they could stop by his house after work. You see, “Uncle Smoke” is a mechanic and, while he certainly doesn’t specialize in Honda CR-Vs (or any cars for that matter), he does know how to take a lot of shit apart and put it back together correctly.

So, Bessie, Alfred, Uncle Bart, and Aunt Sue came over to the Goldenstein farm after work for a little happy hour mouse hunt. Was it fruitful? I’ll let you see for yourself below.

That’s Uncle Bart in the red shirt. Another reason they asked Uncle Smoke for help…

There he is. If your jeans aren’t tucked into your cowboy boots for your mouse hunt, you might as well go home.

That mess of stuff is basically what they pulled out of the oven on the 4th…

And, the pièce de résistance.

Again, I’m not sure on the rest of the details (if there were more mice, etc.) but I do know that Uncle Smoke was rewarded with a bottle of one of his favorite whiskeys (Bulleit for those wondering) and that Bessie and Alfred still have the CR-V. And that Bessie and Alfred will probably never buy a vehicle from Timmy and Keith again.

-Beverly “Don’t Quit Your Day Job, Timmy” Goldenstein

Swale is the subject of our second edition of Small Town Spotlight, and, while it was also a part of the former rival high school, I don’t hate it nearly as much as I do Rockdale. This probably has to do with the fact that it’s much smaller than Rockdale (and reminds me a little bit of Mayberry), the Caspian family (you can catch up on them here and here), and the homemade Burma Shave signs outside the town.

If you don’t know what Burma Shave signs are, you can read about them here.

These signs make the roads leading into Swale (way) more interesting than the actual town, so you’ll see lots of road pics this week!

Small Town Stats
Public Pools: 0
Private Pools: 2
Pop Machines: 0

I mean, this is kinda cute. And those “next seven exits”? They’re just the only streets in the town.

Furniture, Fun, and More? Guys, does Swale have a sex trafficking ring?

Yikes. Back to funny road signs.

(unless you)

This next set of signs might be my favorite.

Guys, I don’t know what this means.

So… more road signs.

Swale has a zoo, guys!

Here’s a horse!

And some equipment to transport the… one horse. (Seriously, this place is starting to stink like a major cover-up)

I literally have no idea what this sign means either.

Swale might not have much, but they have pride in their country, OK?

I’m not sure what this is, but I know what it’s not. And that is a functioning gas station.

And now, just the barrage of pictures of the small town staples: abandoned shit and water towers.

I mean, this on-store sign looks less sex-trafficky than their sign outside of town…

And then, in just the blink of an eye…

I’m not sure if Orv and Dale are thanking us, or if someone is thanking Orv and Dale, but you’re welcome, I guess?

Swale, you are… not that swell.

-Beverly “On to the Next One” Goldenstein

Remember the shit-holes from last week? I guess they weren’t as shit-holey as UB thought.

-Beverly “Glass Half-Full” Goldenstein

How was the holiday weekend, folks? What’d you do on the 4th of July?

Because I incinerated a dead mouse in my cousin’s oven.

Yes, you read that correctly. You see, Timmy and Keith have an outdoor pool that gets a lot of use in the summer. The pool was put in by Uncle Bart and Aunt Sue long ago, and they slowly added amenities around the pool. You know, a (behind glass) TV set off the deep end, lots of landscaped seating areas, a permanent brick grill area, a nearby shed with fridge, oven, tables, ping-pong table, etc. (Just the basics)

Anyway, while the pool gets a lot of use, the pool shed doesn’t necessarily get quite as much play, and the oven out there, even less. The pool shed isn’t far from the house and when Timmy and Keith do host parties out there, they generally just make the food in the house and bring it out at meal time.¹

Anyway, some of my family members and I planned a little poolside Independence Day happy hour, and by 5:00 pm, the beers were open, and some appetizers set out. Around 6:00, I decided to preheat the pool shed oven and make the ham and cheese sliders I brought to share. I stuck the butter mixture that needed to be melted down and poured over the sliders in the oven, set that bitch to 350 degrees, and headed back out to the pool to drink and socialize.

When I walked back toward the pool shed about ten minutes later, I could see Timmy looking quizzically around the shed, and then I was hit with what can only be described as an amazing odor. (Note: Webster defines amazing as causing great surprise or wonder; astonishing. I feel like the word has a positive connotation, but… this… was not positive)

We quickly decided that there must be a dead mouse somewhere in the oven, and Timmy started pulling out the oven while I went to ask Smokey G if he wanted a little holiday project. Timmy and Smoke took the oven apart, and while they never found an actual mouse carcass, they did find plenty of evidence of one (nesting materials I think… well, that plus the evidence we could all smell). They got the Shop Vac out to clean up the mess.

Then they hauled the oven outside to be trashed.

And I cooked my sliders inside.

Then Uncle Bart and Timmy and Keith’s tractor-obsessed son, Hank, hauled the mousehouse in a tractor loader to a dumpster on one of UB’s farms.

Oh, and if you’re wondering why we specifically called on Smoke to help with the mouse-cavation, it’s because he’s already proven his worth as Mousty Hunter. Coincidentally enough, his previous mousing experience includes Timmy and Keith as well. Tune in Thursday for how Timmy sold his mouse-infested car to his little sister and her new husband.

Also, if you’re wondering: the sliders were delicious.

-Beverly “We Need a Reality Show” Goldenstein

¹By they, I obviously mean Keith, as she does the cooking. I’m uncertain about whether Timmy can cook a frozen pizza.

I bet this guy’s real busy these days. #RonaDayz

-Beverly “Wear Your Mask and Wash Your Hands” Goldenstein

If Smoke and MamaG’s house goes up in flames in the next week, don’t be alarmed. It’s just me using the treadmill.

No, it doesn’t have an electrical issue. I’m just pretty sure that my thighs are going to spark a fire one of these days.

-Beverly “Covid-19” Goldenstein

If you know any farmers, you know that one of their favorite activities is to take “crop tours”- literally just driving around looking at fields. Sometimes there’s a roadie involved, sometimes ice cream. Sometimes both? Of course, they pay most attention to their own fields, but they’d all be lying if they told you there wasn’t a small element of competition (or at least, comparison) involved as well. 

As for UB, he’s not “just” a farmer; he’s also a seed salesman in Mayberry. This doesn’t mean much to you, but it means that he really does pay attention to everyone’s fields because he’s looking to see which of his “strains” (?) of seed are faring best for his customers, and which fields of his competitors’ seed he might need to vandalize in the near future. Kidding. UB runs his seed business on the straight and narrow! He draws people in with actual results and the quarterly customer appreciation parties he and Aunt Sue host where Sue has to make pans and pans of homemade cinnamon rolls for the customers while they talk shit order their seed for the upcoming year and… do other farmer stuff? You all know that I just don’t know. My grandpa Page was a seed dealer as well, and the cinnamon rolls have been a staple for a long time. #PioneerGearForLife

Anyway, you might be thinking that UB is an asshole and is making fun of some poor farmer whose field got drenched in a recent downpour. But I’m 99% sure that field is his.

-Beverly “We Self-Deprecate. It’s What We Do” Goldenstein

But, which is it? You thought it was spin art or nobody told you there was anything there, MONICA?

-Beverly “I’ll Never Eat That Again” Goldenstein

This sounds like a new series Bev will be starting, but it’s really just going to be a one-hit wonder. (Or oneder- remember that? That Thing You Do? Man, I liked that little play on words)

Like most of you, I’ve been working from home since March, but I recently attended an in-person training where there were about twenty-five of us in a room, socially-distanced as much as possible, and masks required (masks are still a city ordinance here in MyCity).

Let me tell you what, it takes a special kind of stupid to think that wearing a mask over one’s mouth only is helpful.

It also takes a special kind of asshole. Like, “Oh, sure, LISA, why don’t you just sit over there and breathe fairly normally while the other 80% of us are breathing in our own hot breath for six hours, you selfish twat?!?!” I want to throat-punch Lisa. 

It took everything in me not to print out this graphic, sneak into the conference room early, and place this graphic on every single table.

Please feel free to share as needed, BevHive.

-Beverly “I Don’t Have a Printer at Home” Goldenstein