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Bevvy G

Pound

I’m down at a ‘city’ nearby Mayberry, visiting Ardith, one of my high school besties. Since most of my time around the Mayberry area consists of eating fried cheese and drinking beer, I took advantage of being in a ‘city’ and went to a real gym (i.e.: not the treadmill in MamaG’s basement). I walked in right as the class started, which is not my jam (I’m an early bird kinda gal), and it was my first time at this gym, so I was slightly intimidated, and not sure what to expect. Would the people be nice or rude? Would I be the fattest person in the class? Would I be wearing the craziest pants (Bev loves workout pants with wild prints on them)? Would I be able to hack the workout? Will there be any partner work (please, God, NO)? 

Most of my fears were put at ease as soon as I walked in the room, as the average age of the class participants was probably 51 (and this is after my 33-year-old ass arrived). One older lady was wearing a shirt that said #NoDaysOff with white leggings with flamingos on them. She was definitely my favorite.

It took me a millisecond to acclimate to the room, and I was kind of scanning the other people to see what equipment we needed. It turns out, everyone was super nice, and quickly told me to grab a mat and drumsticks. Yes. Drumsticks. 

I am honestly not even sure how I can try to begin to explain this class to you, but if you’ve ever done a jazz routine that includes squats, lunges, and drumsticks, then that’s it. Oh, and every song opens with “chest openers”- aka, you tap your drumsticks in front, and push your elbows back like you’re back in 7th grade, trying to make it look like you actually have boobs.

Let’s just say this. It was a workout, all right. A cheek workout from trying not to explode in laughter every 30-45 seconds, and look like a total asshole in front of your new best friend.

#NoDaysOff

-Bev

Blast(s) From the Past

MamaG made me clean out my closet today. For those of you who follow me on Snapchat, it made for a beautiful Snap story that even garnered two Aunt Sue screen shots. For those of you unfortunate enough to not follow Bev on Snap, I apologize. But don’t worry, everybody. Whether you got the million-pictures-from-high-school Snaps today or not, I’ve got a treasure trove of photographs from Bev’s Closet Cleanout rounded up for you here. We’re talking never before seen footage! A rare peek into Bev’s childhood years! “An extra special glimpse into my life” (for all you A League of Their Own fans). Get your popcorn and your Coors Light, folks, ‘cuz shit’s about to get real.

And if you’ve ever wondered about how weird Bev actually is in real life, well, this might be the best evidence of my sheer lunacy.

4HYes, I was in 4H. And, yes, I did a project. I also took a calf to the fair once. Remind me to tell you about that sometime…

BevMaudeI’m pretty sure this is before we left for Bev’s high school graduation breakfast at church. Which makes Maude, like, 21. And, apparently, she was headed to a Wall Street job interview after the church breakfast. #BevsDocMartensLookFreshThough

BridesmaidsI know you can’t really see this very well, so I’ll just tell you. That’s a picture of eight bridesmaid dresses. Eight.

BSCBabysitter’s Club FoLife, amIwrong? But, seriously, I’d love to have back all the money I spent on all of these. Or, hell, the money I could get for them now. Any takers?

BSCgameI might throw in the game to the highest bidder. (key word: might. more key word(s): highest bidder)

BusI kept my moist towelette collection in this personalized tin school bus. I kept my moist towelette collection in this personalized tin school bus. Jesus.

CassettesRun-of-the-mill cassette collection. Most likely similar to your, highlights include Tiffany, the Cantaloop single, Ace of Base, Barbie and the Rockers, NKOTB (obvs), and ‘A Tape’ as you can see there in the background.

ClayPotBet you didn’t know Bev was an artist. (If you didn’t read that as ‘arteest‘ please go back and read as such)

ClipOnMosquitoes love Bev like Bev loves Kim K. And Bev hates bug spray like Bev hates Kanye. The Clip-on is a nice alternative. (This is not a sponsored post)

ClownOnce, my mom cross-stitched me a clown sweatshirt, and when I outgrew it, my grandma made it into a pillow. The pillow has a ribbon hook on top. Because everyone needs a HangingFormerClownSweatshirtRepurposedIntoAPillow.

CorsageProm corsage. Please know that, while nice, neither of my prom dates hold a special place in my life. Why I’ve chosen to keep this for 14-15 years is unknown.

DennisBev was is a big Dennis Rodman fan. Big. Huge. And she may have made me part with the T-shirts, I bargained my way into keeping the posters (not pictured). Nobody takes my Rodman posters.

GlassesBecause these are obviously very helpful. (first pair ever. please note the blue tortoiseshell)

GovernorOFFICIAL LETTER FROM THE GOVERNOR, Y’ALL. And, no, it wasn’t a specific request that I vacate the state.

JoeyMcJoey McIntyre. Sigh.

(I wish I would haveput something next to this so that I could show its size… this pin is the size of a small dinner plate)

LashesFor when that Mayberry nightlife gets poppin’.

MarilynBecause most Dennis Rodman fans are also… Marilyn Monroe fans? Like the classic Amazon, “users who bought this were also interested in…”

MartiniAgain, I wish I had something in here to show you the scale. This thing is like over a foot tall. And is very helpful when sitting in your closet at your mom’s house.

NellyIf you didn’t have a burned Nelly CD, you also probably don’t have a high school diploma. (that was mean. I’m sorry)

PinocchioI’ll get back to you guys when Sotheby’s shoots me the starting bid price for this piece. It’s a very rare Pinocchio painted backwards on glass, then laid over foil. And you probably can’t afford it.

PoppleI don’t remember having nightmares about Popples in the 80s and 90s, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to have one on July 11, 2016.

ShotGlassesWhenever someone went on vacation, they always brought me a shot glass. I don’t get it. (please comment if you are the purchaser of any of these shot glasses)

TreeBev loves funny napkins. Bev has owned these for at least three years. Any bets on whether or not I actually remember to use these in December?

Vases
I wish I could tell you my vase game has been elevated from used liquor bottles to… vases. I also wish I could tell you that these flowers weren’t picked while hanging out of the passenger window of my college friend’s blue Lexus while the car was moving. 

And there you have it.

-Bev

 

I Wasn’t Even Drunk…

If I had a dollar for every time I cracked/shattered my phone screen I… well, I would have $3/$115 of a new phone screen.

Shit.

-Beverly “Butterfingers” Goldenstein

F.A.F. Baby

*I considered not posting Funny Animal Friday today, in light of all the… well… shit happening all over our country (and world), but then I thought… who doesn’t need a laugh? The world needs you, Bev. With that being said, if you are offended by people trying to be funny with such serious current events, you may want to stop reading and turn back to CNN. I get it. I’d also like to point out that what’s ahead probably isn’t even that funny, so maybe read on? Long story short: I wanted to post F.A.F. today, so I’m posting F.A.F. today. Sue me. If you can find me.

As you all know, Bev had family visiting for approximately a week, and then traveled back with said family for some quality time in Mayberry. While the family was visiting MyCity, we often took Maude’s van, as all of us (Smoke, MamaG, Maude, Jasper, Margaret, Norma, and me) can fit in one vehicle. I often drove, as we were in MyCity, and I knew where we were going. However, sometimes I drink this stuff called alcohol, and then Smoke and MamaG won’t let me drive. Maude and Jasper don’t enjoy a good cocktail as much as I do, so they sometimes drove. MamaG took the wheel a few times as well, and obviously, Margaret (9) and Norma (5) were out. Want to know who else was out? Ol’ Smokey G. As you know, city driving is not necessarily his jam. If you’d like him to take apart and put back together a large piece of machinery, he can and will. If you’d like him to fix/take apart/install a garbage disposal, dishwasher, etc., he can and will. You want him to drive to the MyCity Children’s Museum? You’re probably better off with Margaret or BevWithABuzz at the wheel.

Seriously, there was a time when I moved into a new apartment, and MamaG and I were headed to Ikea, and wanted to send Smoke to Target for a few items. I’ll never forget watching him drive off and wondering if that’s how parents feel when they send their first child to kindergarten. (I feel like you should know that getting from my house to Target literally requires two turns, getting back requires three, and he followed us there, so really only had to get himself home. I remember MamaG reminding him that he had a GPS in the car if he needed it, and I told him to find a cop if he got lost. True story. I would also have liked to have been a fly on the wall when he was in the laundry detergent aisle. Think walrus performing an appendectomy when you think of Smoke buying high-efficiency laundry detergent specifically for white/light clothing.)

Anyway, I’m rambling, and you’re wondering what in Christ’s name this all has to do with a funny animal. Well, here’s what this has to do with a funny animal:

Koalified

That’s Smoke. Heading to Target.

Happy Friday, my lovely readers! Enjoy your weekend. Stay safe. Party on. All that jazz.

-Bev

U.B. F.A.F.

I told y’all a few weeks ago that my Uncle Bart is basically dying to be featured here on BG (who isn’t?), and since I’m home with the family in Mayberry, I thought I’d give him his chance to shine. (this timing may or may not have something everything to do with buttering UB up so I can try to shoot the pool birds). Edited to add: so I can get more chances to shoot pool birds.

Notes for the story: Youngzee is Bart’s right hand man on the farm. Absolutely hilarious dude.

A ‘high school rock picker’ is something that sounds complicated, but really isn’t. It’s a high schooler that you hire to pick up rocks. In your fields. I used to be one. And by ‘used to be’, Smokey G still makes me do it sometimes. Like, MamaG asked me yesterday. Literally.

Without further ado, I present to you…. Uncle Bart (Part Deux)

Fishing For ‘Coon

Timmy and Keith’s new puppy, Louie, inexplicably turned up lame the other day. While Louie is recuperating, he is convalescing in their garage. This morning, Timmy went out to the barn where Louie had been residing until his illness, and was startled by a large raccoon. He hastily fled the scene, but called me on his way to work to tell me about his discovery. We made the assumption that Louie’s injuries were the result of a ‘coon mugging.

At noon, one of my high-school rock-pickers mentioned to me that I had a rabid ‘coon over at Timmy’s place. He further elaborated that he saw the (normally nocturnal) animal wandering around by the barn, so he grabbed a steel rod that was handy and bludgeoned the critter to death and threw him in the burn hole. While complimenting his assertiveness, I wondered to myself if rabies protocol had changed recently. The last time I could remember, checking for rabies involved taking the head of the dead animal to Nearby Veterinary College about an hour away from us here in Mayberry. I checked with our local vet, and sure enough, this is still the procedure.

So I roped Youngzee into helping me fish the dead ‘coon out of the twenty-foot-deep hole, which is full of water within a foot of the top, with a potato fork and a shovel. We then placed the soaking-wet carcass in a plastic bag, threw it in a cooler on ice, and sent Sue flying to Vet College to get the thing tested for rabies.

Youngzee and I decided that it was the first time in our lives that we had ever fished for raccoon. Furthermore, while we have both bagged our fair share of ‘coon, this is the first time that either of us could recall literally “bagging a ‘coon.” Hopefully, Louie fares better than Ol’ Yeller. Test results are expected on Monday.

I forgot to warn you guys about Uncle Bart’s inclination for sexual references. Sorry.

Update: The coon was negative for rabies, but I’m going to go ahead and guess he was positive for HIV. There seems to be a rise in the woodchuck population here in Mayberry, and they’re known as HIV-ridden raccoon rapists.

I made that up, but here’s hoping I get a chance to shoot a woodchuck in the next 17 days.

-Bev

This I Promise You (NSync)

I’m going to go out on a limb here and promise you, my dear readers, a F.A.F. tomorrow. I’ve been quiet lately, but with good reason. A solid eight days (so far) of family time, including three sleepovers with my nieces, Margaret and Norma, a family wedding, a three-state, twelve-hour drive, pool time, a bonfire, some Goldenstein porch cocktails, and yes, some time to shoot (at) birds at Uncle Bart’s. And I’ve only been in Mayberry about twenty hours. 

As Smoke Goldenstein would say, “Jump in and hang on.”

With that being said, there will be lots of activity coming up, but due to anticipated Coors Light consumption, Bev’s proximity to the pool, and general summer vacation laziness, I encourage you all to link up to some of Bevvy’s other social media outlets, which may be more likely to be put to use in the next few weeks.

Instagram: beverlygoldenstein

Twitter: @NotoriousBevvyG

For now, I’ll leave you with this lil’ convo Smoke and I just had at Case de Goldenstein:

Smoke: What kinda viddles you got goin’ there for lunch?
Bev: Salad.
Smoke: What kinda salad?
Bev: Mixed greens, grilled chicken, goat cheese, beets… *trails off*
Smoke: *interrupting, under breath* Goat cheese? That shit’ll kill ya.

-Bev

YouTube Credit: NSYNCHVEVO

 

Corpse Status

Family wedding weekend is over, and I would say I can’t remember the last time I was this tired, but it was probably the last two (also post-wedding) Sundays.

All I can think about is taking out my contacts, but I’m too tired to get off the couch to rifle through the 65 bags I apparently needed for our two-night getaway to find the solution, case, and my glasses.

I’m literally just counting down until it’s a (fairly) appropriate time for a 33-year-old to go to bed.

But, I will leave you with a little life tip: don’t read articles titled things like “23 Things You Must Eat In Madison, WI” when you’re hungover. #TaterTotsInTheToasterOven #INeedThatHotCheeseBreadNOW #TotsWillDo #TotsWillAlwaysDo

Goodnight.

-Beverly

Family Vaca

Well, the Griswolds Goldensteins have arrived in MyCity for a family wedding, and the week is off to a flying start.

If you consider getting six people in and out of a Dodge Caravan six to eight times a day a flying start.

Or listening to your dad talk ‘farmer speak’ without trying to swear, as your nieces are in the car… “I’ve been working on this sonofabitchbuck every year since I’ve had it.” 

Or trying to plan a meal while taking into account everyone’s dietary needs (which mostly just includes niece Norma, who is basically a vegetarian. Or just someone who eats solely mac and cheese or grilled cheese…. my kinda person, really) plus our complete and utter inability to make decisions.

Or the fact that after the first twenty-four hours, Maude had to make a WhoGetsToPushWhichElevatorButton Rule.

Add in the fact that I bought some Dasani water flavoring drops in order to trick the nieces into drinking more water in the heat and altitude of the vacation, and Norma might actually drown herself in blackberry lemonade water. At one point, Grandma let her mix the blackberry lemonade with the mango passion fruit, and it’s probably her favorite part of the vacation.

Oh, and just a little public service announcement: If you ever get a spray tan while hanging out with a 9-year-old and a 5-year-old, please know that it’s basically just this scene (with different questions and lots of staring):

YouTube Credit: 43434ff

Here’s hoping I can pull off a F.A.F. tomorrow… I’ve got two minors sleeping in my living room, and we have a “picnic breakfast in Aunt Bev’s bed” planned for the morning… if we don’t get three strikes for playing around while falling asleep. So far, they have zero strikes. This could be because I can’t hear them over the dishwasher and the two fans we have going, but whatever. How much milk will soak into my mattress during this breakfast extravaganza? Stay tuned.

-Bev

P.S.- We are also in the midst of what will actually go down in history as the best License Plate Game of all time.

OF ALL TIME.

Kanye
Pic Cred: http://imagesmtv-a.akamaihd.net/uri/mgid:ao:image:mtv.com:41181?quality=0.8&format=jpg&height=495&width=660

Just Wondering

Have you guys ever had a bug get stuck in your Groupon spray tan/sweat combo?

Asking for a friend.

-Bev

P.S.- Summer, you are comin’ in HOT. Literally. Tame it down a little, asshole.

F.A.F.

This week wasn’t funny. This week still isn’t funny. This week will never really be funny.

But this picture? It’s funny.

Ralph

–Beverly