Bevvy G

Epic weekend in the books. Started out with half a bottle exploding in my kitchen (not me), and just ended with a fall while quasi-surfing on a doubled up air mattress, trying to deflate it (definitely me).

Lots of wine and whiskey in the middle, a couple more falls, loads of Taco Bell, third day makeup, and obviously, some stuff that can’t really be shared here.

I have to go so I can continue cleaning the frat house that is my apartment, and get these contacts out of my eyes. The dehydration is real.

-Bev

I recently worked out with a fairly young, fairly cute girl with a more than fairly terrible mullet haircut. It was totally awesome, though, because I spent the entire 60-minute class trying to come up with reasonable reasons this girl would have this hair.

Hipster?

Drunken dare?

She’s an actress, and it’s for a part?

Sober dare?

Witness protection program?

Beauty school bargain?

She has kids, and one of them cut it?

She’s an apparition from 1991?

Anyway, I should probably become a lifestyle blogger. What, with all my half detoxing, weight loss programs, and now, workout advice.

-Bev Fonda

I don’t live near MamaG, so I’m not able to celebrate Mother’s Day with her (at a pizza joint like Maude did yesterday), so I had to find another way to honor her. Which means I’ve been cleaning my house like my life depends on it for the last two hours. I’m not talkin’ scrub the floors cleaning… I’m talkin’ scrub the walls, baseboards, and floors, clean and disinfect your toilet bowl brush, plunger, and trash cans cleaning. Like, I’m immediately doing a load of rag laundry after I’m done with this cleaning. Washed curtains and shower curtains cleaning.

That is… until I think I broke the hose off my vacuum cleaner, trying to vacuum baseboards, and then I sent MamaG a profanity-riddled text, complaining that I hate the (really nice) vacuum (that she gave me for free like a year ago). 

I mean, what’s Mother’s Day without being reminded of what a selfish little brat your kid is?

I also sent her Mother’s Day card in Spanish. I like to do that every few years, just to keep her on her toes.

-Bev

P.S.- I need something stronger than Clorox to be high on right now. 

P.P.S.- If anyone you have vacuum cleaner knowledge, hit me up. #CleanSoHardVacuumsCantTakeMe

Oh, yeah, it’s Cinco de Mayo, y’all.

You’re probably thinking that I heart this day due to the almost-mandatory margarita consumption.

You’re wrong. (though I don’t hate that part)

I heart this day because we are done with these two things for nearly another year:

“It’s gonna be May.” [Insert stupid Justin Timerlake picture with his stupid Ramen noodle hair here]

“May the fourth be with you.” [Insert stupid Star Wars? (Star Trek? Are they the same?) picture here]

Stupid early May memes call for margaritas, man. (alliteration is my favorite)

-Bev

You know what’s bullshit?

GLAD Press & Seal is bullshit.

I keeeeeeeeeeep pressin’.

And it ain’t sealin’.

-Bev

I know some of you (OK, like three of you) really loved and miss Spot Sue Saturday. Well, you’re in luck. Some of my high school friends attended a wedding a few weeks back, and sneakily caught some #SSS pics for me.

Thanks, Loretta, Henrietta, Agatha, etc. I know Sue appreciates it. 

-Bev