All Posts By

Bevvy G

Saturday F.A.F.

I’m late. I know. I’d like to say it’s because I was out getting crazy last night. But really, I went to bed at 7:25 pm while Smoke and MamaG hung out with TinCup and Felicity in my living room. I turned down drinks, y’all. Still feeling like shit this morning while Smoke and MamaG fix a bunch of shit around my house. Garbage disposals, loose toilet seats, outlets, etc. By fixing, I mean, Smoke yelling at MamaG and MamaG trying to ‘Swifter’ vac with no Swiffer pad on the damn thing. (She thought it seemed kinda hard to move)

Anyway, I took some Tylenol that is finally kicking in, and I feel well enough to type this, plus add a funny animal photo to it. I think I also feel well enough to drink some Silver Bullets and Sauv Beasty at Tin Cup and Felicity’s backyard BBQ in a few hours.

Stay tuned for more news from Family Weekend, but for now…

EmoCow

-Bev

Wonderful World Wednesday

I, like 80%(+?) of Americans, dream of a world with no Kanye.

But you know what would be even better?

A world free from those who spell Kanye as Kayne.

THAT WOULD BE PRONOUNCED CANE, PEOPLE. AS IN CANDY CANE. FIGURE. IT. OUT.

Same goes for the wastes of space who pronounce the ‘l’ before the ‘t’ in Chipotle.

I can’t.

I literally can’t.

-Bev

Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s Day, my lovely readers!

Here’s hoping you spent the day with your loved one(s), and maybe even got some good gifts.

And that you finally broke down and spent the $1.99 to get yourself Kimojis. 

(Consider yourselves warned)

-Bev

Funny Animal Friday

I usually take great pleasure in posting F.A.F. because I get to make up fake names and life stories for the animals in the pictures. But today is different…

GooglyGlasses

That’s Beverly Goldenstein.

Beverly Goldenstein at Kanye’s album release party, pretending to give a shit about Kanye… secretly scanning crowd for Kim. 

-Bev

P.S.- I hated the Kim French braid look that she keeps wearing until I read her reasoning behind it. (click the link if you didn’t….) 

It’s almost as good as the time she said she wanted to match her stroller to her baby’s skin tone. (I can’t find a clip, but trust me, it happened)

I probably can’t find a clip because the Kardashians keep their cards pretty close to the vest. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Post Super Bowl Apocalypse

Well, we really do live in a world where people are offended by anything and everything, and the Super Bowl was no exception.

Gaga put her hand on her heart for the anthem- every singer before her who didn’t do this is a communist!

Beyoncé hates cops! No, Beyoncé’s lyrics don’t say anything negative about cops! Beyoncé hates on the cops, but allows them to escort her to Super Bowl! Beyoncé is a hypocrite! Beyoncé almost fell on purpose! Beyoncé’s tour tickets are too expensive! Is Jay-Z really Blue’s dad? (OK, people don’t say that, because that poor little girl is his spitting image)

Cam Newton is an arrogant prick! Cam didn’t put his hand over his heart for the national anthem! But, wait, lots of players didn’t do that- people are just picking on Cam! Cam walked out of his interview! What a baby! Why aren’t we seeing the picture of Cam smiling, congratulating Peyton after the game? Peyton walked off the field without shaking his opponents’ hands in the Super Bowl in 1973 (or some other time when his elderly ass was playing in the big game), but nobody spoke negatively of him! Peyton didn’t get paid to plug Budweiser! Peyton is a role model- he shouldn’t talk about drinking beer! Eli is jealous of Peyton! 

And I’m just over here like… Yo, Fawn, hit me with that chili recipe.

Get over yourselves, America.

-Beverly

S.S.B.S.

Well, it’s Super Bowl Sunday, folks. 

Sober Super Bowl Sunday here.

I know.

I’m half-rehabbing, remember? 

And I spent last night getting drunk off expensive rosé in rabbit onesie pajamas. Onesie and rosé courtesy of Maude. Shoutout, Maude.

And I’m finding that my wine intake has a negative correlation with my cheese intake. Wine intake is down, cheese intake is up. Waaaaay up. 

#CheeseDrunk

Pour one out for me, homies.

-Bev

P.S.- as for my prediction? I mean, are there actually people cheering against this face?

Bev + Biebs

I don’t always go to Starbucks, but when I do, I’m in the drive thru and my favorite Justin Bieber song comes on, and I jam hard. While getting judged by all around me. Hard.

If you’ve known me for a while, you know I’m a huge Bieber fan. I mean, I tried to hide it for the last year or so (ya know, the whole peeing in buckets thing), but my GOD my Bieb love is back with a sonofabitchin’ vengeance.

When I tell people I love him, most of them are like, “What do you mean?” and I’m all… “My mama don’t like you and she likes everyone. Sorry.”

DO YOU SEE WHAT I’M DOING HERE? I’M SO CLEVERLY QUOTING JUSTIN BIEBER SONGS LIKE THE BOSS THAT I AM.

Love me or leave me.

-Beverly Goldenstein-Bieber

Oh, and because you know you love it…

YouTube Credit (all 3): JustinBieberVEVO

Make-up F.A.F.

In order to make up to you the lack of last week’s F.A.F., I bring to you one of my old favs. 

PandaSonofabitch

That was Todd. Todd’s parents and coaches believe in participation ribbons, so Todd has an inflated ego, absolutely no muscle tone, and a dairy allergy. Todd’s dream car is a Ford Probe.

Sonofabitch.

Happy weekend, y’all.

-Beverly

HalfRehab

If you follow Bev on Instagram, you probably saw that I am trying to cut back on my wine consumption this month. My wallet and waistline are both hoping to benefit, and I’ve got the entire bottom half of my fridge full of flavored sparkling water to distract myself like the willpowerless imbecile that I am.

The good news is, after buying Target out of aforementioned sparkling water, I went on a legit four-hour cleaning bender, and my fridge looks like Yolanda Foster’s.

PERRIER

The bad news is, Perrier didn’t make it known on the box that their sparkling water comes in two different cans, and that there are not equal amounts of each type of can in the box. And I’m halfrehabbing and I can’t even have a glass of wine to ease the tics.

Thank heavens, I discovered that little mini-shelf at the bottom of the fridge door so I don’t have to stare Satan in the eyes every time I open the SOB.

And, yes, I’m OCD enough to (want to) organize my cans of sparkling water symmetrically, but I also misplaced a bag one-third full of shredded cheese a week ago, and am waiting for the smell to lead me to its hiding place. Does this pendulum swing make me bipolar?

Don’t answer that.

-Bev

P.S- and if you don’t follow Bev on Instagram, you should. 

P.P.S.- who wants to make bets on how long before MamaG makes an Insta, solely so she can follow me? I mean, Smoke followed me on Twitter last week, so anything is possible at this point.

I’m not kidding.

It’s a long story.