I’m headed in the direction of Mayberry tomorrow and all I can hope for is an opportunity to shoot at the birds shitting in the pool.
-Beverly Oakley-Goldenstein
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Bevvy G
Oh, how I wish I could’ve been the caretaker. I would’ve made sure to release those cockatiels in really nice weather with “Let it Go” playing softly in the background before I drove away in my new Maserati.
-Beverly “I Hate Everyone” Goldenstein
Uncle Bart and (cousin) Timmy attended a bachelor party and I received this as they drove home that Sunday.
It brings me great joy.
-Beverly “We’ve All Been There, Timmy” Goldenstein
There are times that, no matter how many times I read the headline, I can’t understand what the hell is going on.
This is one of them.
I think it’s the “blame Tinder in court” that just… doesn’t compute. And was she missing before she left home?
-Beverly “Is Anyone Else Stumped?” Goldenstein
Well, (other than a pre-scheduled UB Snap post) it’s been pretty quiet around here lately and, for once, it was purposeful. I took some time away from posting on all of my social media accounts last week… partly because of the #AmplifyMelanatedVoices movement and partly because I just didn’t feel like posting. And I sure as hell didn’t feel like trying to be funny. There’s a lot of shit going down right now, and I don’t usually get political on here (or anywhere) but this shit ain’t political. It’s human rights. That’s as far as I’ll go with that because you don’t come here for the heavy stuff.
So, let’s take it back to regularly scheduled programming.
***
I recently babysat for a new family of two young boys (three and seven). They were… not my favorite clients and I will most likely be “busy” the next time the mom contacts me, but I have to share that in three days (10.5 hours) of babysitting, the 3-year-old pissed outside at least six times, ate about half of my Play-Doh and ended up in urgent care. Yes, you read that correctly, and no, it wasn’t my fault.
In fact, the mom was still home when he tripped and sliced his head open on the coffee table (the same one he had also fallen into the day before and I thought I’d for sure be calling 911).
Anyway, it was a bit of a WEEK around here last week, but there is one (very) positive thing that came out of that shitshow of a babysitting job and it has to do with the dog. No, the positive is not the dog itself (duh), but rather, the dog’s name.
You may be thinking, “Really, Bev? How funny can a dog’s name be that it’s the highlight of your week?” And I get that. But just give me a second here, because the dog’s name is…
Tony Danza.
I mean, come on.
Tony Danza is also an escape artist. Again, it’s been a WEEK.
-Beverly “Black Lives Matter” Goldenstein
-Beverly “There are Easier Ways to Die, Bro” Goldenstein
Uncle Bart trolls Aunt Sue.
-Beverly “All She Eats is Greek Yogurt and Beer” Goldenstein
In case you guys don’t have any Memorial Day plans yet…
Just don’t forget your mask, OK?
-Beverly “Wonder if it was Red or White?” Goldenstein
Like Smoke, Uncle Bart is a farmer, and, like all farmers around the world, they obsessively watch the weather. And that weather can really impact their mood (for better or worse).
-Beverly “Sometimes Rain is Bad” Goldenstein
I mean, this headline is funny and all, but… wouldn’t she be 74 with that sentence? Because, like, 51 + 23 = 74?
-Beverly “Make Math Great Again” Goldenstein