Bevvy G

Do any of you have a friend who gets drunk and takes his/her clothes off?

I do.

I won’t name that friend here, but I will show you a screen shot of our friend group’s recent Zoom call to celebrate this friend’s birthday.

The rest of the Zoomers got on the call five minutes early to surprise the birthday girl in our birthday suits. I wish I could show you all the video of the woman of the hour tuning in to the call and slowly realizing we were all honoring her penchant for drunk nudity. But I won’t.

-Beverly “I’m Here to Make Topless Bottomless Mimosas a Thing After Quarantine” Goldenstein

I want to circle back to Sunday’s post real fast…

I could go on and on about my love for Dennis Rodman, how I had several shirts with him on it (on one his hair was Hypercolor and it was FIRE), I dressed up as him for Famous Person Day at my high school homecoming spirit week, my room had several posters of him, etc.

But what you really need to know is the story of the first time I read his book, Bad As I Wanna Be, which I’m rereading now. I was probably in 7th grade and, well, Dennis Rodman, so…

My mom read the book before I did and binder-clipped the inappropriate parts that I couldn’t read.

Entire chapters clipped off.

This might not be funny to you, but it has me rollin’ today.

-Beverly “7th Graders Can Operate Binder Clips, Mom” Goldenstein

Please tell me you read The Daily Mail. It’s a super trashy (I think British) news outlet (I use that term loosely) and it’s my main source of news. I know. This is why I literally never know what’s going on.

But I love it. I. Love. It.

The headlines are often ridiculous run-on sentences that I often have to read four or more times to even begin to get the gist and it’s the best thing ever. (See this post for some more background)

I’ve been collecting nuggets from the DM to share with you guys for the past few years and, well, I guess it takes a damn worldwide pandemic for me to actually blog. Whatever, man.

So, here’s your first Daily Mail headline and you just might recognize someone…

That’s right- Joe Exotic, folks. Now, admittedly, this doesn’t seem as asinine now that we know all about Joe and Carole and their (actual, freakin’ literal) circus, but just imagine my surprise when I read this last year when it came out, man.

-Beverly “Sardine Oil” Goldenstein.

Remember my last post about weird quarantine activities?

Well, Tin Cup (my cuzzo) made a five-minute YouTube video with an in-depth explanation of which Jordans he was going to wear for last week’s premiere of The Last Dance. 

Set a timer for five minutes, guys. That’s … a while.

Anyway, here are some screen grabs from the video.

*note the gloves* I haven’t confirmed with TC, but… those gloves aren’t for the ‘Rona, guys.

They’re for the shoes.

Each shoe came with a brief history detailed recap of what happened in a game when MJ was wearing said shoe, and the video ended with a close up shot of Tin Cup’s bare foot, on which he had painted his own Jordan symbol. I’ll spare you the picture of that.

Now, if you need me, I’ll just be here waiting for the Rodman interviews and reading this….

-Beverly “Fairweather Bulls Fan” Goldenstein

P.S.- The Last Dance is the Michael Jordan documentary that ESPN is currently airing. I’ve had three people ask me about it recently when I mentioned it in conversation and when I put a screen shot on my personal Insta story. How do people not know about this?!?!?!

We’re all passing the time in weird ways right now, right?¹

A few weeks ago I was graciously invited to, and participated in, a “Family Dance Party” Zoom.

It went like this:

*I join in on my friend Melva and her husband and two little boys absolutely jammin’ in their living room. Cool. I pour myself a freshie and tune in. (no one else is here yet)

*Another family joins. The awkward turn-on-camera, check-mic, adjust-hair moments take place with Mom and two kids. Then Dad comes in. Shirtless. Dad doesn’t realize this is a “group project” of sorts and exclaims, “Who’s that girl in the corner?” Introductions take place.

*The boy of Family 1 is obsessed with his Nintendo (Switch? GameBoy? PS4? I don’t know WTF it was called but he starts talking about it nonstop to my friend’s two boys who are trying to dance it out).

*Family 2 joins. There’s a baby and a 2-ish-year-old girl. Family 2’s participation level is about 28% from the jump. There is a lot going on at their house and the camera just sits propped up on the floor somewhere in their living room.

*Single friend of friend joins. Jokes about us singletons being pedophiles are made. You know, good old pedo humor!

*Nintendo kid (Family 1) is still yammering on about the game.

*A dog walks by (Family 2).

*Dads are drinking Busch Lattes. (Family 1 and 2)

*There’s a baby crying in the distance. (Family 2?)

*”Back That Ass Up” comes on. Families 1 and 2 must not know Melva well because they inquire about the “family-friendly” portion of the invitation. Melva laughs. So do Single friend-of-friend and I. Melva does not change the song.

*Family 1 parents have straight given up and Nintendo Boy is just… playing Nintendo. His little sister is in a Cabela’s sweatshirt and a diaper. His dad is asking us all for the best deviled egg recipe/ingredients. I have nothing to contribute because deviled eggs make me gaggy.

*The dog walks by again and kinda parks its nipples right in front of the camera. Nipples? Udders? In any case, it’s an anatomy lesson I did not need.

*Oldest child from Family 2 stands (sort of) in the camera, eating what appears to be a Chick-fil-A sauce. From the packet. I text Single Friend-of-Friend. We are curious. We think it was actually a Kinder egg thing (?). I have never had one of those (or even seen one, honestly) but I think I’d rather eat the Chick-fil-A sauce.

*The (same?) baby is crying again.

*Bev catches a buzz and uses a bottle of Kim Crawford as a mic for a little Gwen Stefani.

Nearly two weeks later, and I wonder if the baby is still crying and I know that one dude is still playing his damn Nintendo.

-Beverly “Literally Whatever Floats Your Boat” Goldenstein

¹I Lysoled my Lysol today.

Well, it seems we are all stuck in our homes for the foreseeable future, and everyone online is getting creative with how to pass the time and keep up personal appearances. I mean, I prefer to just black out four times a week and pretend my video won’t work on the daily Zoom calls, but many people are actually attempting to cut their own (or their spouse’s) hair and I keep seeing and hearing mentions of the “Flowbee” from many of my… upper-generation friends. 

And I’m just like… “Wait, that sounds like the Suck Kut.”

And whether the Flowbee is (real?) any good or not, I don’t care, but it just brings me back to this piece of cinematic history:

-Beverly “It’s Sucking My Will to Live” Goldenstein

You’re probably thinking, “Bev, what the hell is that?”

Oh, it’s a mask my mom made out of my one of my dad’s old socks. You know, the super weird gray ones he insists on wearing.

-Bev

Funnily enough, I received a COVID-19 Spot Sue Edition request today and let me tell you what guys- I am here to deliver! I’m not sure if this qualifies more as a “COVID-19 Edition” or a “Special 60th Edition” but I’ve got a Spot Sue for you, guys! It just so happens that yesterday was Aunt Sue’s 60th birthday and, well, she celebrated COVID-19 style (at the assistance and insistence of Uncle Bart, of course).

And now, without further ado- happy birthday to Aunt (Spot) Sue!

Waking up to honking horns and a good old-fashioned mystery…

“Warming up” with beers on the freezing deck by the freezing lake.

Uncle Bart preparing the chairiot. SEE WHAT I DID THERE? (thanks to cousin Keith for the heads up to be prepared to document Snapchats coming for the day)

Cousin Bessie got to go along for the ride.

And keep things on schedule.

Birthday girl is ready to go!

A stop at Smoke and MamaG’s!

I think they let her ride up front in between farms, but they made her get in the back for a short parade in town!

And this video is definitely my fav.

-Beverly

P.S.- I have a history of not getting videos to work here, so let me know if these don’t work and I’ll go cry and beat my head against a wall fix them.

I’ve long been contemplating trying out eyelash extensions but I always talk myself out of them, mostly for financial reasons.

But you know what? (click on the video for audio… I think…) one of my favorite movie lines of all time.

-Beverly “I’m Doing It” Goldenstein

Like many of the rest of you, I’m spending a looooot of extra time on the internet/Instagram these days. I mostly just follow all of my same ol’ people (albeit, a bit more obsessively) but I’ve also found a new treasure that I’d like to share with y’all.

I found her via a gossip website I read (GOMI: Get Off My Internet)…and aspire to be on one day. The site is just a straight up snark site about people on the internet. One of my favorite things to do is to hate-follow a blogger/influencer solely so that I can keep track of what is being said on their GOMI site. Because I am very mature like that.

Anyway, check out turtlecreeklane on Instagram.

This. Woman. Is. A. Muppet.

If you go quickly, you can still see her “DeCORentine” stories where she decorates her house for the satanic robots who must live there to enjoy these decorations Easter.

I think I would rather spend a few nights in O.J. Simpson’s house than on Turtle Creek Lane.

Oh my God.

-Bev