Yesterday, I posted an Instagram story of a grape talking to a glass of wine like they were long-lost relatives and I got a lot of messages asking if I had officially lost my mind in quarantine.
No, guys, that’s just what it’s like inside this mind.
-Beverly “It’s a Jungle in Here” Goldenstein
Are you guys at home? Because you should be. And if you aren’t, go home. And stay there. This social distancing/self-quarantining happening around the country has us all spending a LOT of extra time at home, and I, for one, am HERE. FOR. IT. so far. Ol’ Bevvy here is definitely a very social person, but she also very much thrives on her Bev time, so this social distancing thing has been going swimmingly so far. I’ve been stuck down with what I am 99% sure is a sinus infection (I’ve been emailing with my doc and she called me in a prescription which should be arriving anytime. We are both confident that this is not the ‘Rona…) and I’ve also been legit self-quarantining from the public since I found out I was in a “hot zone” last Tuesday/Wednesday evening. So, I’ve got another seven days of hanging out alone at my house and I’m not mad about it (yet).
I’ve been only a little bit productive so far but here are some of the things I’ve accomplished during my quaranstein:
*NetiPotting. LOTS of NetiPotting. Like, I Googled if one could NetiPot too much. This also requires the boiling and cooling of tap water so I don’t get a brain-eating amoeba, so this has taken up quite of bit of my quarantime so far.
*Skin care. Gat-DAMN am I gonna come out of this 30-40 pounds fatter, but my skin will be glowing.
*Learning how to use InstaCart and placing food and booze orders like it’s my job. OK, I’ve placed three orders, one of which was canceled, but you get it.
*Try-on session of the previously-ordered bathing suits for my (canceled) trip to Mexico… *sigh*
*Planning and preparing to dabble in the stock market. I know absolutely nothing about the stock market but this feels like a good time to buy low (?) so I plan to drop my entire savings into Amazon, Facebook, and Visa stock and ride off into the sunset when it makes me a millionaire in six months. Just kidding, guys! Don’t call me, Mom! I do plan to put a small amount of money into the stock market (if/when I can figure out how, exactly, to do so) but I have to save the rest of my savings account for the exorbitant amount of online shopping I plan to do for the next eight weeks!
*Walking. Lots of walking. Well, really two walks so far. But I plan to continue that today.
*Potential biking. Bev is scared to bike in the city because I grew up biking between corn fields on literal gravel roads and I do not know how the first thing about how to navigate city streets on a bike. However, with most people hanging out at home, I think this might be a good time to dabble in city biking. (much like the stock market) Wait, can I ride my bike to the stock market and put my money into some stocks? That’s how both of these things work, right?
*Armpit detoxing. I don’t even know. I know natural deodorants are kinda taking over the world and I might give it a whirl. One could say I might dabble in natural deodorant (while biking to the stock exchange?). I’ve heard conflicting reports about whether or not you need to “detox” your armpits before switching to a natural deodorant but it seems some who have not detoxed have had some issues with the transition, so I think I might use this time away from people to detox those pits. I’m also assuming that I will last about four days on natural deodorant before the hyperhidrosis reminds me who’s boss and has be back on the aluminum train.
*Reading. This really shouldn’t need an explanation, guys.
So, mostly dabbling, as you can see. Lots of dabbling.
-Beverly “If You Need Me, I’ll Be Shopping Nordstrom’s 25% Off Sitewide All Day” Goldenstein
Well, the shit has hit the proverbial fan, and I believe we are in for eight weeks (+) of craziness here in the U. S. of A. It goes without saying that I’m still hoping that the ‘Rona will forever eradicate hand-shaking as the preferred North American greeting (hugging as well- thanks, Betty!).
And now, I’m just working on my rock-solid plan of eating and drinking like a frat boy and gaining 30 pounds while simultaneously draining my savings account online-shopping from my couch for the next eight weeks.
Toodles!
-Beverly “Is this the end?” Goldenstein
Raise your hand if you’re hoping that this Coronavirus bullshit is going to forever eliminate hand-shaking as the accepted American greeting?
Me.
I am.
I’m raising my hand.
I’m raising both my hands.
I’m currently on Amazon trying to buy new hands to raise.
-Beverly “Elbow Bump” Goldenstein
#HyperhidrosisLyfe
Anastasia and I recently drove around to judge the shit out of look at Christmas lights around OurCity.
It never ceases to amaze me that people will go out and spend the time (and money) to put up lights, only for it to turn out looking like a blind penguin on LSD decorated their yard. I mean… Listen, Larry, I appreciate your effort (I really do) but have SOME kind of a plan, man.
Anastasia and I decided that we’re going to make a voting/feedback system for next year. We’re going to buy some darts on Amazon and attach some colored ribbons with constructive criticism. Think 4-H ribbons with a twist (and the potential to maim)…
White ribbon/flag goes to Wayne and Barb who mix old-school white lights with LEDs. Feedback? Pick a lane, Wayne! (I didn’t mean for this to rhyme, but I like it)
Red ribbon to Todd who mixes both white and colored lights as well as twinkling and non. Feedback? You’re doing too much, Todd!
Blue ribbon to everyone with any kind of consistency. Feedback? My OCD appreciates you, Rob! Keep up the great work!
Purple ribbons? The highest ribbon dart one can receive? These are reserved for people who: have all-white, very symmetrical decor. Feedback? Yes, Mark, yes! Also, those with the old-school colored bulbs. Feedback? Chris and Diane, you are out here doing the Lord’s work! And to anyone who just goes balls to the wall. Abominable Snowman blow up? Yep. Dancing penguins around an ice rink? Yep. Santa and the reindeer blinking on the roof? You got it. Feedback? NAILED IT, FRANK AND PATTI!
While Anastasia and I perfect the dart designs for next year, I’d like to leave you with some photos of the treasures we found on our Christmas light cruise this year. Ribbon rank and feedback included.
Red Ribbon. Feedback? Guys, what did Olaf do to be so harshly judged by Snoopy? Hopefully he can earn Snoopy’s respect back by next Christmas to bring a more harmonious holiday in 2020!
Purple Ribbon. Feedback? Don’t change a thing!
Purple Ribbon. Feedback? Keep up the great work, Jerry and Liz! Let us know if we can help out with the electric bill!
Red Ribbon. Feedback? We call this The Nope.
Purple Ribbon. Feedback? Perfection.
Red Ribbon. Feedback? Is this Halloween or Christmas, Jeff? This is creepy, man.
White Ribbon. Feedback? Really, Steve? Rope lights? Come on, bro. Also, for the love of everything holy, please center your American flag. You’re committing treason!
Red Ribbon. Feedback? Who the hell is this girl?
Red Ribbon. Feedback? Well, this doesn’t seem very Christ-like…
Purple Ribbon. Feedback? Puttin’ on a CLINIC, John and Marsha! Bravo!
Red Ribbon. Feedback? Do the Charlotte Hornets live here now? If so, we’ll upgrade you to a blue ribbon if Muggsy Bogues stands out front in a Santa hat.
White Ribbon. Feedback? Excuse me, officer? I’d like to report a heinous white on white (on white) crime.
What are your Christmas light opinions? And please comment on this post to pre-order Bevastasia’s Customizable Judgey Christmas Ribbon Darts.
This photo isn’t of anyone’s Christmas lights, but it’s of the inside of my car because I was trying to take a picture of one of Anastasia’s neighbor’s shitty lights when she noticed the neighbor walking out the door so I had to abort the mission.
-Beverly “Constantly Judging You (and your lights)” Goldenstein
Many of us just wrapped up our final week of work before the new year and, with the holiday season, often comes the good ol’ Secret Santa gift exchange at work. I like the idea of Secret Santa. I really do. But I haven’t participated for many years for many reasons.
#1: Since most offices put price limits on the gifts, I’ve mostly seen Secret Santas where you buy/receive a $5 or less gift each day. Which basically means coffee and/or candy. And you know what? I don’t need a bag of Skittles or a hazelnut latte every day. I very (very) rarely buy myself candy and if someone else bought it for me, I’d just… eat it. My diet is already an absolute dumpster fire in December, man.
#2: I had a negative experience once, long ago. Basically, some asshole in my office drew my name and he gave me a bunch of shitty gifts. Starting off with some M&Ms from the office vending machine that were at least five years old. Keep in mind I don’t like chocolate, and I’m 100% certain that M&Ms were nowhere on my list. He also gave me a (super ugly) pair of homemade gloves; a clear regift. And then my final “big” gift? A gift card to my favorite liquor store. Yay, right? Totally, except the gift card had a zero balance, which was super fun to find out at the checkout counter of said liquor store.
#3: If I wanted a daily surprise this time of year, I’d just buy myself an Elf on the Shelf, get drunk, and hide it from myself every night.
OK, Sharon?
-Beverly “I’ll Buy My Own $5 Lattes” Goldenstein
Have you ever been making dinner in an open pan, then dropped a glass of wine due to the condensation on the outside of the glass because you set it in the freezer for a while for an extra chill, and then the wine glass and the wine went all over your counter, your stovetop, the Target box containing some Frozen II coloring books for your cousin’s kids’ birthday gifts, and your (freshly-mopped.. like literally mopped an hour ago) floor?
And then you had a split second thought about burning your house down/melting your face off because there’s alcohol near your open gas flame and then you tried to clean most of it up and realized there was a piece of glass in the PAN where you were warming up a tortilla for a Brie, caramelized onion, pear, and arugula quesadilla so then you threw away one tortilla and just hoped for the best after adding in all new ingredients?
Because I have.
Coworkers: if I don’t show up to work today, send someone to my address to break in. (Someone with a strong stomach, because they may find me bleeding from the esophagus in my bed. I’d think it’d at least be internal bleeding, but probably not the most fun way to start one’s day. I did put on cute pajamas last night.)
Maude: if you need any last minute gift ideas for me, I’ll take a new wine glass to match the ones you got me last year. And potentially a new esophagus.
Cousins: if your kids’ Frozen II coloring books smell like rosé… well, I bet you’re probably half expecting that. (Remember that time I spilled wine all over the children’s library books in my trunk? Oh, remind me to tell you that one.)
All: Make yourself a Brie, caramelized onion, pear, and arugula quesadilla on a Tuesday night, man. Decadent. Hold the glass.
(I’m kidding, MamaG- I’m 99% sure I didn’t eat any glass (I thoroughly inspected the pan before I put in my 2nd tortilla.)1
-Bev “This Shit Literally Only Happens to Me” Goldenstein
1I also re-scrubbed that area of the floor, Mom. Because I know that would have kept you up more than the whole potential internal bleeding thing.
Read this article.
Just read it.
Christmas Cards and Apostrophes in Your Last Name Don’t Belong Together. Here’s Why.
Maybe even read it again.
-Beverly “PLURALS DON’T NEED APOSTROPHES” Goldenstein
One of my coworkers was wearing a very sparkly holiday vest today and I complimented her on it and then dropped a little, “You look very vestive, Jackie!”
Then I dropped the mic.
-Beverly “Yeah, I Said It” Goldenstein
Happy Thanksgiving, y’all!
On this great day of feasting and trying not to think about how we might actually be celebrating the mass whitewashing/genocide of Native Americans, I’d like to take a moment to thank all of you for being here.
For being here in the early days when I had to introduce key players like Smoke and MamaG.
For being here through that time I did a “blog revamp” and almost lost my mind chatting with tech support in Bangladesh.
For being here when I don’t post for days, weeks, months…
For being here when I make really (really) inappropriate jokes about harming animals.
For being here when I make empty promises about “remind me to tell you” kind of stories that I never… tell you.
For being here.
Thanks, guys.
Much love.
-Beverly “Champagne and Mashed Potato Coma” Goldenstein