F.A.F.

This week’s F.A.F. is all of us…

Like, is that not you at the airport? Yes, I am just going to sit here, sipping this overpriced Chardonnay, and judge everyone around me.

Oh, you’re traveling in heels? You so classayyyyy, girl.

You’re putting that in the overhead bin, you asshole?

Oh, God, please tell me I’m not sitting next to you.

Shut up, everyone at the Vegas gate. Let’s see you on the way back from your ‘epic weekend’, OK?

Well, that’s Cliff up there. Cliff doesn’t get to go to the airport, because his dog is a responsible dog owner, and leaves him home. So, Cliff just has to judge those in his own neighborhood. (and those who pass through from time to time)

Oh, Jesus. Crystal, is out “watering her flowers” again. We all know you’re out here secretly smoking pot because you hate your family, OK, Crystal? Go inside and drink a bottle of wine like all the other moms.

Oh, the mailman made an eeeeeextra stop at Mrs. Cox’s house. Again.

Oh, God, not Bill and Becky’s kids. These little chumps.

The Zimmermans are having a party again? Dear Dog. I mean, Dear God.

Yeah, this dog? He’s all of us.

-Bev

This week’s F.A.F. is another ‘real life’ dog that I have met. Meet Zoey. Zoey is extremely hyperactive, and the best underbite you’ve ever seen in your life. 

Zoey belongs to one of my besties from high school, Henrietta, and she’s also a big Kim Kardashian fan. She watched Kim’s Snapchat story yesterday, where Kim face swapped with herself, and Zoey plans to spend this Friday on her zebra lounger doing just that. 

-Bev

You can follow Zoey on Snap at: K1msNumBerOneFan4LyfeZoey69

You know who owns this cat? The Trader Joe’s worker who made the bestworst joke of all time yesterday.

I went in to TJ’s, solely to pick up some smoked salmon for my breakfast (like the good HalfJew that I am), and was in the check out lane. A second worker came up to my cashier, and said, “Wow, be careful, it looks like this customer knows how to pick lox.” (give yourself a second to get it…)

That guy would totally do this to his cat. Because he definitely has a cat.

-Bev

When you’re on Post Spring Break Half Detox, and you allow yourself a Skinny White Chocolate Mocha on Friday morning….

I wish I liked coffee that didn’t cost five American dollars, and contain 500 universal calories. 

But, as my Burgess always says…

YouTube Credit: EricUCLA16

-Bev

Meet Clint.

Clint is gay, but not ‘out’ to his family (except for his favorite brother, Amos). Clint and Amos’ parents are incredibly conservative Trump supporters, and he’s scared they’ll shoot him if he comes out of the closet. 

Clint has been in a super happy relationship with his partner, Theodore, for over eight years now. They enjoy drinking the expensive scotch Clint steals from his dad, watching reruns of the Andy Griffith Show, and golfing. Well, Clint golfs, and Theodore drinks Chardonnay and drives the cart. Theodore is kind of the Bev in the relationship, obviously.

Theodore and Clint would like to get married, but Clint is a brown bear and Theodore is a grizzly. And in the bear world, that’s just too complicated.

-Bev

*Sidenote: This picture was taken on a recent vacation to Zimbabwe. Clint just loved swimming at the local mudhole with the hippos. Theodore doesn’t do nature water, so he snapped the pic.

Again, Theodore = Bev. #ChlorinatedWaterForLife

This is apparently a seal, being presented with a birthday fishcake. This is also me, this week, with all the birthday love from my friends and family. Replace those minnows with Coors Lights, obviously, but you get the gist.

In unrelated news, I just viewed Kim’s Snap story where she’s roller skating. I hope that bitch falls and breaks her elbow. Most people would say that because they want her to get injured. I say that so we have something more in common.

-Bev

Bev, making plans for spring break week.

Ha, I wish. This is actually Maggie, Fawn’s childhood dog. She used to dress her up/pose her and take Polaroids. This was at least twenty years before Fawn and I met. Don’t tell me we’re not soulmates.

-Bev

Also, if you have Instagram, you’ll wanna follow at least one of these guys….

Dexter

Ludwik

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Helen. I don’t wear women’s sh…”

Keeping Up With The Katdashians.

Yeah, I went there.

-Bev

Did this week kick anyone else’s ass?

Like, I’m Ronda Rousey and this week is that Holly chick. I’m Lindsey Lohan and this week is… life. I’m Susan Lucci and this week is the Emmys. I’m Michael Jackson and this week is plastic surgery. I’m Charlie Sheen and this week is HIV. (too far?) I’m Amber Rose and this week is Kim Kardashian. I’m Kylie Jenner and this week is Beverly Goldenstein.

That was fun. I want to keep going with celebrities getting their asses kicked by someone/something, but I’ll spare you. And I can’t keep my eyes open.

Damn. Last week at this time, I was headed to Bourbon. This week, I’m drinking a can of rosé in my PJs in bed.

I’m so thankful for you, shaved llama. 

And you, can of rosé.

-Beverly

When you read this, I will either be on a plane to (or touched down in) New Orleans, Louisi-frickin’-ana. You all know how I feel about that place.

I’ll be drinking, eating, bachelorette-partying, and … searching …

Happy Friday, y’all!

-Bevvy G