F.A.F.

Tell me this dog isn’t your mom, looking at you over her bifocals. Or your aunt. Which is funny, because, for some reason, this dog reminds me of my Aunt Judy. Aunt Judy’s my crazy-ass aunt who lives in Cali, thinks every good Bloody Mary has a green bean (wtf?), and puts her school picture sticker on the back of her Valentine’s Day card to her daughter. And, I guess… she’s a person who has (and uses) school picture stickers?

Stay tuned for some more of Bev’s crazy AUNTICS tomorrow (I can’t believe I was just able to come up with auntics right now… drinking Pedialyte on a Friday night).

-Bev

‘Drinking Pedialyte on a Friday night’ will be in the refrain of the most popular song off my first mixtape. Obviously.

I’m late. I know. I’d like to say it’s because I was out getting crazy last night. But really, I went to bed at 7:25 pm while Smoke and MamaG hung out with TinCup and Felicity in my living room. I turned down drinks, y’all. Still feeling like shit this morning while Smoke and MamaG fix a bunch of shit around my house. Garbage disposals, loose toilet seats, outlets, etc. By fixing, I mean, Smoke yelling at MamaG and MamaG trying to ‘Swifter’ vac with no Swiffer pad on the damn thing. (She thought it seemed kinda hard to move)

Anyway, I took some Tylenol that is finally kicking in, and I feel well enough to type this, plus add a funny animal photo to it. I think I also feel well enough to drink some Silver Bullets and Sauv Beasty at Tin Cup and Felicity’s backyard BBQ in a few hours.

Stay tuned for more news from Family Weekend, but for now…

-Bev

I usually take great pleasure in posting F.A.F. because I get to make up fake names and life stories for the animals in the pictures. But today is different…

That’s Beverly Goldenstein.

Beverly Goldenstein at Kanye’s album release party, pretending to give a shit about Kanye… secretly scanning crowd for Kim. 

-Bev

P.S.- I hated the Kim French braid look that she keeps wearing until I read her reasoning behind it. (click the link if you didn’t….) 

It’s almost as good as the time she said she wanted to match her stroller to her baby’s skin tone. (I can’t find a clip, but trust me, it happened)

I probably can’t find a clip because the Kardashians keep their cards pretty close to the vest. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

In order to make up to you the lack of last week’s F.A.F., I bring to you one of my old favs. 

That was Todd. Todd’s parents and coaches believe in participation ribbons, so Todd has an inflated ego, absolutely no muscle tone, and a dairy allergy. Todd’s dream car is a Ford Probe.

Sonofabitch.

Happy weekend, y’all.

-Beverly

Seal gets my vote every time. Pugs freak me out. And pug owners freak me out even more.

-Bev

You may have noticed that Bev has been pretty absent this week. Let’s just say I’ve been getting my ass kicked, what with not becoming a billionaire and all. 

Collin didn’t hit the Powerball either, and he’s equally as thankful as I am for BRUNCH SUNDAY WITH NO WORK MONDAY.

Bev’s ’bout to be back, y’all. #BrunchForDayz

-B.G.

First week back to work got me like…

Is it time for Super Bowl parties yet? I miss cream cheese.

-Bev

Update: Well, shit. Yes, I AM into the rosè and posted this early. Whatever, man.

It’s time for all the ‘New year, new me’ bullshit. While millions of people around the world are making promises to lose weight, I find this an opportune time to pitch an idea I’ve had for quite a while now. Obviously, we’ve all heard of the popular ways to lose weight/get fit, etc. But I’ve got a diet plan that I think could actually be revolutionary. In fact, I’m a bit scared to post it here for fear of someone stealing it and obtaining a patent before I can (but legally I can provide this post as evidence it was my idea, correct?). Enough legal jargon, Bev, get to the point. The point? Hoarders. Yep. I would like to do a very scientifically based study where one person follows Whole 30 to the letter, another person perfectly sticks with a Weight Watchers plan, and a third participant watches an episode of Hoarders before eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner (technically I’d like them to watch an episode before eating anything at all, but that may not be feasible) and see which participant loses the most weight.

I’m more than willing to take on the Beverly Goldenstein Hoarders Health Plan- comment here or message me if you’re interested in taking on either of the other two for comparison (or if you’re interested in participating in the BGHHP along with me).

Bev isn’t much for resolutions, so this is basically going to be me for now…

I was going to write that I am obviously the cat, but I can’t tell if that other (naked) thing is a cat or a dog, so I’m the cat with fur… 

-Bev

Yesterday, I received six (count ’em- SIX) holiday cards¹ and I realized I have eaten tater tots eight out of the last nine days. Tater tots for breakfast… absolutely delicious, and consequently, now in the running for the title for my book. Anyhow, after these two confidence-boosting developments, I was peacockin’ like a mofo… which leads me to today’s Funny Animal Friday photo:

Can’t nobody take my pride…. can’t nobody hold. me. down. Oh no.

-Bev

¹Speaking of holiday cards, Bev sent one out a few years back, and it will be included here soon… My good friend, Nina Applebottom, had to send me pictures of the letter, because the Word doc is on my old computer- you know the one that slowly fried my organs… Keep your eyes peeled! (Also, if you’re reading this, you probably received my holiday card, and couldn’t care less to see it again, but that’s neither here nor there)

This week’s F.A.F. is celebratory- Bev is sling-free, folks! In honor of this occasion, I’ve set up a night of merriment for myself.

My boy, Rick, is coming over to provide some beautiful music while I sit on my couch, dick around on the internet, and drink champagne. Rick is one of my Funny Animal Friday favs- you can read about him here and here. 

Rick still enjoys life as a truck driver, but his real aspirations are to be on American Idol, and subsequently, tour with Adele. For now, I’m just hoping he’s learned more tunes than ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’ and keeps his freakin’ paws off my champagne.

-Bev

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