Mayberry Moments

MamaG made me clean out my closet today. For those of you who follow me on Snapchat, it made for a beautiful Snap story that even garnered two Aunt Sue screen shots. For those of you unfortunate enough to not follow Bev on Snap, I apologize. But don’t worry, everybody. Whether you got the million-pictures-from-high-school Snaps today or not, I’ve got a treasure trove of photographs from Bev’s Closet Cleanout rounded up for you here. We’re talking never before seen footage! A rare peek into Bev’s childhood years! “An extra special glimpse into my life” (for all you A League of Their Own fans). Get your popcorn and your Coors Light, folks, ‘cuz shit’s about to get real.

And if you’ve ever wondered about how weird Bev actually is in real life, well, this might be the best evidence of my sheer lunacy.

Yes, I was in 4H. And, yes, I did a project. I also took a calf to the fair once. Remind me to tell you about that sometime…

I’m pretty sure this is before we left for Bev’s high school graduation breakfast at church. Which makes Maude, like, 21. And, apparently, she was headed to a Wall Street job interview after the church breakfast. #BevsDocMartensLookFreshThough

I know you can’t really see this very well, so I’ll just tell you. That’s a picture of eight bridesmaid dresses. Eight.

Babysitter’s Club FoLife, amIwrong? But, seriously, I’d love to have back all the money I spent on all of these. Or, hell, the money I could get for them now. Any takers?

I might throw in the game to the highest bidder. (key word: might. more key word(s): highest bidder)

I kept my moist towelette collection in this personalized tin school bus. I kept my moist towelette collection in this personalized tin school bus. Jesus.

Run-of-the-mill cassette collection. Most likely similar to your, highlights include Tiffany, the Cantaloop single, Ace of Base, Barbie and the Rockers, NKOTB (obvs), and ‘A Tape’ as you can see there in the background.

Bet you didn’t know Bev was an artist. (If you didn’t read that as ‘arteest‘ please go back and read as such)

Mosquitoes love Bev like Bev loves Kim K. And Bev hates bug spray like Bev hates Kanye. The Clip-on is a nice alternative. (This is not a sponsored post)

Once, my mom cross-stitched me a clown sweatshirt, and when I outgrew it, my grandma made it into a pillow. The pillow has a ribbon hook on top. Because everyone needs a HangingFormerClownSweatshirtRepurposedIntoAPillow.

Prom corsage. Please know that, while nice, neither of my prom dates hold a special place in my life. Why I’ve chosen to keep this for 14-15 years is unknown.

Bev was is a big Dennis Rodman fan. Big. Huge. And she may have made me part with the T-shirts, I bargained my way into keeping the posters (not pictured). Nobody takes my Rodman posters.

Because these are obviously very helpful. (first pair ever. please note the blue tortoiseshell)

OFFICIAL LETTER FROM THE GOVERNOR, Y’ALL. And, no, it wasn’t a specific request that I vacate the state.

Joey McIntyre. Sigh.

(I wish I would haveput something next to this so that I could show its size… this pin is the size of a small dinner plate)

For when that Mayberry nightlife gets poppin’.

Because most Dennis Rodman fans are also… Marilyn Monroe fans? Like the classic Amazon, “users who bought this were also interested in…”

Again, I wish I had something in here to show you the scale. This thing is like over a foot tall. And is very helpful when sitting in your closet at your mom’s house.

If you didn’t have a burned Nelly CD, you also probably don’t have a high school diploma. (that was mean. I’m sorry)

I’ll get back to you guys when Sotheby’s shoots me the starting bid price for this piece. It’s a very rare Pinocchio painted backwards on glass, then laid over foil. And you probably can’t afford it.

I don’t remember having nightmares about Popples in the 80s and 90s, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to have one on July 11, 2016.

Whenever someone went on vacation, they always brought me a shot glass. I don’t get it. (please comment if you are the purchaser of any of these shot glasses)

Bev loves funny napkins. Bev has owned these for at least three years. Any bets on whether or not I actually remember to use these in December?

I wish I could tell you my vase game has been elevated from used liquor bottles to… vases. I also wish I could tell you that these flowers weren’t picked while hanging out of the passenger window of my college friend’s blue Lexus while the car was moving. 

And there you have it.

-Bev

I’m going to go out on a limb here and promise you, my dear readers, a F.A.F. tomorrow. I’ve been quiet lately, but with good reason. A solid eight days (so far) of family time, including three sleepovers with my nieces, Margaret and Norma, a family wedding, a three-state, twelve-hour drive, pool time, a bonfire, some Goldenstein porch cocktails, and yes, some time to shoot (at) birds at Uncle Bart’s. And I’ve only been in Mayberry about twenty hours. 

As Smoke Goldenstein would say, “Jump in and hang on.”

With that being said, there will be lots of activity coming up, but due to anticipated Coors Light consumption, Bev’s proximity to the pool, and general summer vacation laziness, I encourage you all to link up to some of Bevvy’s other social media outlets, which may be more likely to be put to use in the next few weeks.

Instagram: beverlygoldenstein

Twitter: @NotoriousBevvyG

For now, I’ll leave you with this lil’ convo Smoke and I just had at Case de Goldenstein:

Smoke: What kinda viddles you got goin’ there for lunch?
Bev: Salad.
Smoke: What kinda salad?
Bev: Mixed greens, grilled chicken, goat cheese, beets… *trails off*
Smoke: *interrupting, under breath* Goat cheese? That shit’ll kill ya.

-Bev

YouTube Credit: NSYNCHVEVO

Y’all thought I was lying about that Black Velvet last night, didn’t ya?

Thanks, cousin-in-law, Keith, for the update…

AND, the Henning House got wi-fi. Mayberry is LIT tonight, bruh.

-Bev

Well, it’s not every day that you call your mom and she asks if she can call you back because she’s havin’ a few beers with Uncle Bart and Aunt Sue.

Well, escyouse me, MamaG…

This also got me thinking about a pretty good first ‘guest post’ idea. You see, Uncle Bart recently went to the Humane Society to try to purchase a cat. I truly don’t want to give out any details, because I want you to hear it straight from the horse’s… keyboard, but it’s pretty funny, and would be an excellent followup to my dog hatred rant the other day.

When I hatched this genius plan, I sent a group message to some family members, asking if Uncle Bart would indulge me.

His response?

“Maybe if it rains.”

Farmers in the spring, man. Farmers in the spring.

Oh, and where was Smokey G for this beer-drinking session, you ask?

There he is!

Three surgeries, one heart attack, and approximately 129 days without a ‘cigly’ and the man is back, baby.

*Sidenote: spring planting is going swimmingly, and Smoke is literally possibly going to finish planting corn earlier than ever before- tonight! Feel free to have some Black Velvet in his honor. (and a cigarette… just don’t mention the cigarette if he’s around)

-Bev

P.S.- if you happen to know/live near Uncle Bart, harass him to write his Humane Society recap. Or at least have him tell you the story.

P.P.S.- literally got the text from MamaG that they’re done planting corn. 

http://www.vintageadsandstuff.com/viewcelebmale52.jpeg

You know all those little funny comics on Facebook and Pinterest about the women, wandering Target alone with Starbucks cups in hand? And how they’re all moms escaping their children? Children could also be replaced with parents.

If you need me, I’ll be smoking a J and drinking a spiked latte in housewares.

-Bev

And for the record, they both asked if they could come with me.

My nieces are here in Mayberry, visiting for a few days, and my parents and I were spinning the jump rope for my older niece, Margaret, to ‘jump in’ when ol’ Smoke busted out the classic elementary school jump rope rhyme:

“I see bitches underneath a tree,

K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”

Nice, Grampy.

In other news, I’ve been cooped up with an eight-year-old, a five-year-old, and two nearly sixty-year-olds who are quitting smoking, and I made up my own little jump rope rhyme:

“Grampy and Grandma just play, play, play,

Bev sneaks to the g’rage and opens the rosè.”

‘Inside Out’ is on deck. At least then Margaret won’t be paying attention to how much ‘nasty stuff’ (beer/wine) I drink.

-Bev

I feel like you, my dear readers, need a followup post on the The Virgin Beverly… Mostly because ol’ Bev here was so close to a goat¹ that I could hear it chewing. Have you ever been so close to a goat that you can hear it chewing? Because it’s an absolutely terrifying experience.

Also, ya know how it’s rude to ask a woman if she’s pregnant? Apparently it’s also rude to ask a goat owner (or the goat owner’s nephew, who is wrangling said goat) if a goat is pregnant. #TheMoreYouKnow

My Joseph was 12. I’m 32. So that’s Christmas Eve appropriate.

-Bev

P.S. This was in the running for funniest thing that’s happened in Mayberry this winter break… until Smoke wore a shirt from Justice to a party last night. I am absolutely forbidden from putting the picture online, but here’s a link to the Justice store website for reference: www.shopjustice.com (please know that this is part of a gag gift and was a joke. As ludicrous as the man is, he definitely does not wear clothing from a store dubbed, “Tween Clothing & Fashion For Girls”)

¹Yes, I had to ask MamaG if it was a goat or a sheep. 

Tonight, I’ll be doing a legit throwback Thursday… Smoke and MamaG’s church (which has been my family’s church for decades) is closing soon, and tonight is the ‘last hurrah’ as far as Christmas Eve services are concerned, so I’ve agreed to do something I wouldn’t normally do. 

I’m bringin’ Mary back.

Yeah, you read that right (well, you read it right if you read it to the tune of “I’m Bringin’ Sexy Back”… if you didn’t, like yesterday, I’m going to ask you to reread). You see, Bev played Mary from third grade through high school graduation in the church programs and live nativity scenes, and she’s bringing back the role one last time. YES, this means I’ll be sitting outside in a bunch of hay bales, surrounded by some live animals (possibly including a llama), in ‘period wear’… which translates to a choir robe + a dishcloth as a headdress. I asked MamaG if I could tie on the headdress with some gold ribbon of some kind, but she thinks twine is more Mary’s jam. Stay tuned.

As you can imagine, Bev did a real bang-up job as Mary for those nine years (especially the year that included singing a solo to Joseph), and I’m pulling out all the stops tonight. I mean, Mary usually has a spray tan and a buzz, right?

-Bev

Today is my family’s annual Christmas brunch. I know, I know… oh, Bev with another drunch story. But this is like, the original. Like, the brunch that made me love brunch. And what kind of a world would this be if Bev didn’t love brunch?

This special family tradition began about five years ago… Cousin Bernice and her mom wanted to have MamaG and me up for a nice little brunch… like a normal one. With a nice egg bake, coffee cake, coffee, Christmas cookies, and a little champagne. Sounds adorable, right? I know! As luck would have it, the weather was awful that day, and Smoke had to drive MamaG and I to brunch, and then we were at his (and his F-150’s) mercy for the remainder of the day. Turns out, cousins Tin Cup and Zaccheus were home, and joined in on brunch. Before we knew it, our few bottles of champagne were gone, Aunt Zelda, who was supposed to be joining brunch after work, had to stop for some reinforcements. Smoke was still outside working away, so the rest of us were really left no choice but to keep drinking, and before we knew it, we depleted Zelda’s booze, and had to call my Uncle Bobby to bring yet a third round of libations. By the time he got home with a replenished supply, Smoke was finished working for the day, and was quickly catching up to our champagne buzz with Black Velvet, and it was nearly dinnertime. It goes without saying that the drinks kept a-flowin’, and we all ended up eating a thrown together dinner of pantry-staple (a.k.a., unplanned) spaghetti eight hours after brunch began (sound familiar?).

There’s a little more to this story where TinCup and I end up in a few screaming matches about our college team’s current quarterback, but I like to keep things positive here at BG, ya know?

Other highlights of brunches past include calling in Gertrude and Bessie to come fill in to play cards in the snowstorm, and most recently, setting our drinks on fire. Yes, I see the writing on the wall here with the fire. We’re fine. Smoke’s an old pyromaniac from way back.

Anyway, I’m off to do some brunching. Some wonderful brunching indeed. (I hope you sang that to the tune of Wizard of Oz- if you didn’t, please reread and sing)

-Bev