I can’t be the only person who would pay good money see this.
I’m sure she was flying high off hot lemon water, and maybe she even added cayenne to get really crazy.
But I can guarantee you, that bish knows nothing about truffle butter.
Either kind.
-Bev
Three nights, three beds, 1600 miles, one family wedding.
Highlights include:
-A Michael Jackson impersonator at a country bar. Watching a mix of two-stepping and moonwalking is a unique experience I wish for all of you at some point in your life.
-Finding a new way to get rid of guys who are hitting on you. If some creep grabs your arms on your way off of the dance floor at a country bar, and he’s stronger than you are, and is holding your wrists in a dance-like position, you can just yell, “Don’t spill my beer, dude. DON’T spill my beer,” and he’ll run away like a small child.
-My 4 year old niece whispering “Dwink it… Dwink it! Dwink it ALL,” to me while waiting to ‘cheers’ and drink during the toasts at the wedding. Man, we’re gonna have fun in 12 17 years. Sorry, Maude.
-Having this actual conversation with Mama G in our hotel room Sunday morning.
“Get your shit together, Bev.”
“My shit is together.”
“OK.”
-And then having this actual conversation with her on the elevator on the way to family brunch Sunday morning.
“Yeah, but they don’t have {bottomless} mimosas, so you’re shit outta luck.”
Ya know, what? You created this monster, Mom.
-Spending a very short time in my hometown of Mayberry, hearing the latest gossip, mostly involving a grown-ass man named Chippy.
-Talking to cousin Bessie about her dental school classmates, some of whom apparently come from checkered pasts. Direct quote from Bessie, “I’m worried about a B, and you were in a porn.” I really hope this guy wears gloves when he performs dental work…
-Getting a paper cut on my lip while licking an envelope. Of course.
-Beginning and ending the trip with Ghetto Superstar playing on the radio. Thank you, disc jockeys.
And I wouldn’t be Beverly Goldenstein if I told you I didn’t eat half of a large taco pizza from a gas station in the backseat of my own car on Interstate 80 on the ride home. (I also wouldn’t be Beverly Goldenstein if I didn’t excessively use prepositional phrases)
-Bev
Recently, a close friend, Melva, introduced me to Matcha, a drink from Starbucks that costs only $.88, and is basically the eighth wonder of the world (supposedly). *See this article for more information: http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/matcha-good-mind-body-soul/1007068/
I tried it, liked it, and started drinking it like it was going out of style. Well, apparently, the exact opposite is happening, and Starbucks literally more than tripled the Matcha price this week. From $.88 to $2.65? Seriously, Starbucks?
Lessons to be learned here:
*Don’t try to be healthy. Just order the damn S’mores Frappuccino, Bev. And figure out which one (tall or grande) is a ‘medium’ so that you can ‘cut calories’ by not getting a Venti solely because that’s the only size you can remember.
*Don’t play the lottery anytime soon.
*Damn the man.
I’m writing a letter.1
-Beverly Goldenstein, concerned consumer
1No, I’m not. I’m putting on my pajamas, driving through a Starbucks for a Matcha, and heading to WalMart2, because I’m American.
2No, I’m not. But I am going to bed. Not writing a letter.
I don’t always park on the street instead of the work parking lot.
But when I do, I forget, walk to the parking lot, and then all the way around the building to my car. Cursing like a sailor.
-Bev
I know you’re probably wondering, “What in the bloody hell does this picture mean?”
And I’m here to tell you what in the quite literally bloody hell this picture means is that, in the last 24 hours, Bev has tried to use a sharp knife and a screwdriver.
Seriously considering hiring a babysitter. I pay as many Coors Lights as you can drink per hour. Just kidding, that’s what I pay myself.
-Beverly
After watching some recent NBA playoff action (Go Bulls), I can’t help but ponder… how is it possible that Lebron looked 45 when he declared for the draft out of high school, yet hasn’t aged in the 10+ years since?
Google pictures and marinate on that.
-Beverly
I’m 100% certain that if there had been a dashcam of some type in my car this morning when a tiny little moth started flying around INSIDE THE CONFINED SPACE OF MY NISSAN ALTIMA, I could be a billionaire.
#Screaming
#Swerving
#Swearing
-Bev
I’ll spare you the full details of my trip this time, because my guess is that you can all surmise what happened to Bev in Chicago.
*Yes, my Chi friends are legit Polish, and we spent the first night drinking this, which my friend, Joyce, hides under her sink. Homemade vodka with Post-it labels for. the. win.
*Yes, I did get wasted while watching at the Cubs game.
*Yes, I did hear an old friend, Kay, say, “Wow. I forget what it’s like hanging out with you, Bev.” I even offend my friends.
*Yes, I did look for the bottom of bottomless mimosas, and have a ten minute conversation with a group of gay hairdressers about whether I should color my grays or not. (No, I didn’t know them.)
*Yes, I did use the men’s bathroom at brunch.
*Yes, I did pass out on my friend’s hardwood floor after brunch while everyone else partied, grilled out on their rooftop patio, and probably considered whether or not I was going to have to go to the hospital.
*Yes, I did pretend to care about some woman’s dog while riding with them in an elevator, then flip her and the dog off when she turned her head. Apparently, I also told Kay I would shoot her cats. (This may or may not have something to do with why she was offended by me)
*Yes, I did nearly die on Sunday, and wasn’t able to eat solids comfortably until around 6:30 pm. (I’m sorry, Shake Shack meal that I had to leave behind after sitting in there for nearly two hours, alternating in between trying to eat you, and trying to puke. RIP, ShackBurger + cheese fries.)
*Yes, I did come home with zero pictures of my friends (except for the ones people texted to me), but with eight pictures of food and drinks. Eight.
*Yes, I did follow this man’s instructions.
*And yes, I did buy the $8 Southwest wifi on my flight home, solely so I could see Kim’s Met Ball dress reveal.
-Beverly