Kim’s Krime

Earlier this morning, I thought my post today would be about the tragedy of how I lost one of my gold hoop earrings at work today. It’s most likely in the parking lot somewhere, gone forever. I decided not to post much about this because a) I literally have a matching one from the last time I lost a gold hoop earring, and decided to just start stockpiling the same style/brand, so that when a situation such as this arises, I don’t have to pay for therapy. But really, I didn’t post about that because b) my life was flip-turned upside-down today…

What? WHAT? I mean, she’s done this to me before with that stupid honey-blonde look, and that one horrible time when she wore a blonde wig, and I had to breathe into a paper bag for a few hours. But this? This is (in the words of Walter Sobchak) OVER THE LINE.

Kimberly Noel Kardashian Thomas Humphries West should-be-Bush, you stop this nonsense right now, take your happy ass back to the salon and FIX THIS. If this situation isn’t rectified sometime in the next seven days, you’re losing one (very important) Twitter follower¹. 

Look, I get it. I know you’re surrounded by people who tell you what you want to hear. (You and your wardrobe proved this for the entire 9 months that you were pregnant, when you actually married Kanye, and ya really set that shit in stone when you named your kid North West.) It’s time to get rid of those ass-kissers around you (we’re looking at you, Jonathan Cheban), and get some real friends. I know some people who would be happy to join your squad, and who would’ve rather you set your hair on fire than… this. Those people? Me. Reggie. Let’s do this. It’s not too late! Reggie can adopt North, and you can change her name to Rose if you want! (Let THAT sink in, people.) 

You need the type of friends that will tell you like it is. So, Bev is here for you with a very important message:

Black is your thing, Kim. It’s what you do.

All sorts of puns intended.

Love and Brunette Solidarity,

Bev

¹No, you’re not. But I’m distressed.