The Animal Kingdom

I am an educated 31-year-old woman who grew up on a farm. Yet, I know absolutely nothing about animals. Like, there’s a host of animals that I seriously can’t tell apart. Literally…. tell me I’m not alone here:

Beavers vs. Otters?

Sheep vs. Goats?

Llamas vs. Alpacas?

Donkeys, mules, and horses? I know that one of these three is a mix of the other two or something, but I feel like I need a Ph.D. to figure out the Punnett Square of this triad.

And what the hell is going on with cheetahs, leopards, and panthers? Are they all the same? Are they even all real? WHAT THE FRESH HELL?

Literally, when babysitting a 20-month-old this week, I heard ‘baa’ come from the iPad. Trying to be all top-notch babysitter, and shit, I’m like, “Oh, what’s that? A goat?” “Sheep,” says the diaper-clad toddler in front of me. Oh. Yeah.

Well, shit. I wish I could tell you I didn’t have to google which one of those animals says ‘baa’ so that I didn’t eff up typing this scenario in this post. I can’t.

Also, are platypuses even real? And where do they live?

I do know a lot about hippos, though. Because in my next life, I want to be a hippo. Mean sonsabitches.

Off to brunch; I know you’re awaiting another one of those posts… No you aren’t.

-Bev