Losing My New Orleans Virginity

*Due to an upcoming New Orleans trip for Bev, this is the first in a three-part series documenting my previous trips to Heaven on Earth. Stay tuned.

The first time I went to New Orleans, it was probably 2007, and I drove there with a friend from Kansas City, where we lived at the time. I fell in love with the city on this first trip, and have been back twice since, and will be embarking on my 4th trip this weekend. A basic rundown of my maiden New Orleans voyage:

-buying a Coors Light mini-keg at a shady-ass liquor store in Shreveport, and keeping it on ice in the hotel room sink for the entire 3 night stay in New Orleans.

I loved this little keg. OK, I still love this little keg.

-crushing on the 96-year-old bellhop at the hotel where we stayed. He weighed less than his age, but insisted on carrying all of our ridiculous luggage into our room for us (mini-keg included). Shoutout to Ronald, my forever homie. It seriously makes me sad that he’s probably dead now.

What, you’ve never taken pictures of the elderly hotel workers from your balcony?

-I actually went to the front desk to complain about a cockroach in my room. In NEW ORLEANS. They laughed. I may or may not have cried. They gave us roach spray and sent us back upstairs, where we proceeded to essentially shellac that son of a bitch to the counter.

-Within 6 hours of arriving, my friend and I were in the backseat of a truck with a bunch of dudes. This could’ve ended horribly, but we legit just went to their backyard, smoked, and hung out. One of them drove us home at sunrise.

(I’d like to say this is the only story that should’ve ended with a hatchet in my skull, and my body at the bottom of a pond. It’s not. Knock on wood, everyone.)

-I shredded a brand new pair of Steve Madden heels. No regrets.

-I turned down tickets to the Arena Football Super Bowl. (I did NOT turn down the opportunity to ogle all the players in town, as it was also the Arena Football draft. There were dreads everywhere, and dreads are Bev’s JAM.)

-I went to a strip club for the first, OK, second, time (shoutout Amateur Night at Daizy Dooks in college- my friend got 2nd. Another post). While in this strip club, I was 100% mesmerized by a stripper who had more dexterity in her ass cheeks than I have in my pointer finger, and I set the record for Longest Amount of Time Beverly Goldenstein Has Held a Full Beer Without Taking a Sip… I may or may not have tried to compliment said stripper on said ass-cheek dexterity, and may or may not have been kindly asked to leave. (Don’t worry; I finished the beer first.)

-Somehow, I ordered two drinks that cost $36. I still have no idea.

-I was dragged against my hungover will went to the Audobon Aquarium, where I mostly sat down, and also ate Burger King. It takes a certain level of hangover for Bev to eat Burger King.

-I then was dragged against my hungover will went to the Audobon Zoo, where I promptly started drinking again. (Shoutout Burger King!)

-I became part of a parade. This has now happened to me on 67% of my New Orleans visits. I hate parades, except in New Orleans.

-Before heading out of town, my friend and I stopped at a random place for lunch, where I had one of the best meals I’ve ever had. It’s a tuna salad sandwich with white cheddar and bacon, and if the fact that that’s one of my favorite meals ever offends you, you can go suck an egg. I have been to this little place every other time I’ve visited, and while I have absolutely no clue what the place or the sandwich is called, I could walk you to it right now.

Stay tuned for recaps on trips 2 and 3…

-Bev