My third trip to New Orleans may actually be my most favorite trip for many reasons. Here are the many reasons why:
-It was damn near free. I had a free flight voucher from a previous Mexican fiasco (another post), and my friend, Edith, had a free hotel from her work for earning some kind of next level insurance certification. Or something… (?) She brought her sister, Myrtle, along as her ‘official’ guest, and well, Bev was like the black sheep/parasite amongst a bunch of insurance people. I vowed to learn more about insurance when I was there, but mostly I just got drunk. And got yelled at by the insurance people for not having renters insurance. (No, Kate, I still don’t have it.)
-Speaking of getting drunk, I did so 6 times in 3 days. And people think Disneyland is the most magical place on Earth…
-The first time I got drunk was alone before Edith and Myrtle arrived. I checked into the hotel room and headed to the Quarter to do what Bev does. After a few Hand Grenades (and my favorite tuna sammy- YES, AGAIN), I headed to a liquor store near our hotel to buy some Coors Light and champagne. Because, well, when you’re mooching a free hotel room off of someone, the least you can do is provide some cocktails. And, because Coors Light and champagne is basically the story of my life (and title of my future book). While walking back to the hotel with a caser and a bottle, I saw a black Bentley running in an alley. Like, engine on. Now, my buzz had worn down slightly after a nice walk, and thank God it had, because there’s nothing Bev would like to do more than steal a damn Bentley, cruise around the French Quarter, and sip champagne with a Coors Light chaser. Maybe next time…
-One of my favorite parts of this trip was the fact that the entire first night we were there was pretty much free, because some guy kept handing Edith, Myrtle, and me mini bottles of Miller High Life. THE CHAMPAGNE OF BEERS. This man was like a magical Mary Poppins with these bottles- they just didn’t stop. And, well, neither did we. Dude wasn’t even creepy. He was there with his girlfriend, who also gave us a few bottles. Shoutout Mini MGD Bottle Guy and Girlfriend- we love you!
-Apparently, I walked straight into a street barricade, knocked it over, and just kept walking. I have absolutely no recollection of this, but I believe my new insurance friends.
-We tailgated for the Saints game (drunk 5/6), and I fell in love with the song below. Like, I sometimes listen to this song when I’m getting ready to go out. Because I am very cool.
-Edith and Myrtle actually had to do some work while they were there, and like… go to meetings about insurance or something. So, I hit the hotel bar while I waited for them to wrap up. There, I met a very small man with a very large foot fetish. Even though I could’ve cracked this little man in half with my bare hands, he still haunts my (and Edith and Myrtle’s) dreams.
-That very same night (after Foot Fetish Man), I managed to lose, and subsequently find, my phone in Harrah’s Casino. Somehow, Myrtle and I were able to use Find My iPhone on her phone and locate it. I feel like I deserve some kind of Nobel Prize for being able to log into Find My iPhone, and use it to actually… find my iPhone at 2am in a New Orleans casino.
-And, just like you might imagine, the trip ended with me trying not to vomit in my cab to the airport, and then eating a piece of quiche.
With my hands.
On the airport floor.
-Bev
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