New Series: The Small Town Sentinel

Well, guys, the time has come to spice things up here a bit at bg.com (and by spice things up, I mean actually post sometimes) and we’ve got a new series headed your way. Each Sunday, I’ll be sharing some snippets from the The Small Town Sentinel (my hometown newspaper). Now, keep in mind, Mayberry is not nearly big enough to have its own newspaper, so the The Small Town Sentinel covers news from some other towns in the surrounding area as well. Also, keep in mind, I know almost as much about some of these towns as I do about Mayberry, and I have many friends and family from there, who attended school there, etc.

Before we dig in and I start actually sharing headlines, article, quotes, and the occasional photo from the The Small Town Sentinel, I’d like to give you guys a little background on each of the other small towns that may be featured. 

Mayberry
I’ll state the obvious. Bev’s (and Smoke and Mama G’s) hometown. Where a large part of the fam-bam still lives. Also home to The Henning House and a whole tribe of amazing characters (click the ‘Mayberry Moments’ tab at the top of the BG homepage to get caught up on the Mayberry happenings of the past few years…from the perspective of Goldenstein/Page family members, not the media).
Population, as of 2010 state Census: 256.

Thornville
The closest neighbor to Mayberry, and the two towns are almost synonymous. For example, Ardith, Hentrietta, and Edith (and their families) actually have Thornville addresses, but we all grew up together and went to the same elementary and middle schools, which were located in Thornville, but have since been demolished. Highlights include “the golf course”, Pronto, and Mouse. I put “the golf course” in quotations because that’s literally what everyone there calls it, but its actual name is the Pleasant Valley Golf Club, and Bev always calls it PVGC. They sell Chardonnay in 16 oz. styrofoam cups for like $4.50. At least that’s what I’ve heard…. Pronto is a gas station, which hasn’t been named Pronto since the literal 1990s, but that’s still what we call it. I just don’t know…
Population, as of 2010 state Census: 422.

Shiffon
The largest of the towns covered by The Small Town Sentinel, Shiffon is also where the high school is located. Bev drove eighteen miles from Mayberry to Shiffon for high school and the school is still located there now. I’ll try to explain the “school situation” of all these towns at the bottom of this post, but Bev doesn’t necessarily love the town of Shiffon, as there was always a “Mayberry/Thornville” vs. “Shiffon/Chaper” kind of vibe when I attended high school. “S-C” had the larger population based on numbers, but “M-T” had the personality by a landslide, as you already know… #SmokeAndMouseAreMT

Anyway, Shiffon highlights include more than one restaurant (!)- one being Casey’s (Bev’s favorite pizza chain), a grocery store (I use the term a little loosely), “the loop” (you know, the one Henrietta and I cruised at least 56,493 times in high school, between our two crushes’ houses), and I think an actual damn stoplight. (Friends who still live and work in the area: who can confirm or deny this claim?) Like I mentioned, the high school is still located in Shiffon, and it tends to be the center for a lot of the articles written in the paper.
Population, as of 2010 state Census: 1,172.

Chaper
Oh, Chaper. While it might not the the smallest, it is most definitely the trashiest of the towns repped by The Small Town Sentinel. Chaper is the closest of the other towns to the “center” (Shiffon), but I’ll be damned if I really know much about it. Highlights include…. running water? Probably?
Population, as of 2010 state Census: 87.

Dougherty
Guys, it’s a literal Little Ireland right there in Middle America and it’s pretty hilarious. It has a greenhouse, a bank, and a lot of Irish folks who can put down beers. Highlights include the St. Patrick’s Day “celebrations”. Oh, and Chizz. Chizz is the definite Dougherty highlight. Guy is an instant goddamn classic and he’s like 32. That’s another post, man. I’ve also noticed that for being the smallest of the towns covered by the paper, Dougherty actually has a decent amount of air time. (stay tuned in a few weeks for a stolen pop machine)
Population, as of 2010 state Census: 58.

Arendelle
Oh, Arendelle. I went to high school with a few people from there, and am still friends with them to this day, but I’ll be damned if I know anything about Arendelle, other than Ducks. Ducks was the bar there when Bev was in high school and they made really “good” Sex on the Beach drinks and they served them to minors. Again, I mean, that’s what I heard… Highlights include Ducks. (Note: I was texting the infamous Chizz [from Dougherty] for some current details on these towns. Sounds like Arendelle’s bar is now called The Outpost. Dougherty no longer has a bar, but when it did, it was called The Udder Bar and was cow-themed. Because of course it was)
Population, as of 2010 state Census: 74.

**Note** Before I introduce these last two towns, I’d like to say that these towns made up a school that was the arch-rival of my high school. Since I graduated, all of these towns have since consolidated into one school district, which is now named West Falls. Again, I’ll try to explain more about the schools at the end, but let it be known that the rival high school’s mascot was the Rebel and they had a Confederate flag in the gym (WUT?) and Bev don’t like these last two towns.

Rockdale
There’s a pool here, so I guess highlights include that? I mean, the rival high school was located here, so Bev spent a decent amount of time in Rockdale, from middle school through high school playing and watching sports. The girls around Bev’s age from Rockdale/Swale were absolute ballers at sports, and always crushed us (volleyball, basketball, etc.) and lowlights include a time in middle school basketball, when they beat us 63-2. 

63-2.
Population, as of 2010 state Census: 1,039.

Swale
Swale is actually one of the closer towns to Mayberry and, while it made up the second part of the rival high school, Bev doesn’t hate it as much as she does Rockdale. Swale “Big Days” presented some fun as we were growing up (each of these towns had a “Big Days” celebration, but for some reason, Swale’s are more memorable). Highlights include a man who is like 6’7″ who drives a Mini Cooper. We’ll call him Ed. Ed is a sort of distant family friend and a very nice guy. More importantly, he is like 6’7″ and drives a Mini Cooper.
Population, as of 2010 state Census: 165.

So, there you have it guys… Mayberry and the surrounding towns you’ll be learning a lot more about in the coming months.

Now, as I mentioned, the school situation around these towns is extremely complicated, but the basis of what you need to know is this: rural America is getting more and more scarcely populated, and small schools are unable to stay open on their own. Therefore, schools and towns near each other consolidate and bus kids all over hell to attend elementary, middle, and high school in these different towns. The school boards do their best to keep everything “fair” and have the elementary, middle, and high schools in different places (like the actual buildings… so if you live in Rockdale, your kids attend middle school there, but have to be bussed to high school in Shiffon. If you live in Shiffon, your kids are bussed to Rockdale for MS, but attend HS in their own town. I’m honestly not even sure about the elementary school situations right now, but Rockdale and Shiffon are the only towns that have schools, so some kiddos from these other tiny towns have hefty bus rides, to be followed by hefty gas bills for their parents if/when they start driving to school).

I know that is all probably clear as mud, but the moral of the story is that most of these towns don’t have their own school, and while they might all be “West Falls Warhawks” now, they weren’t when Bev was in school. And don’t even ask me about the configurations when Smoke and Mama G were in school because you’ll be very confused.

I hope you all are as excited as I am to start getting more glimpses into small town life, because I’ve got some gems coming up for ya. (I mean, I know you’re on the edge of your seat regarding the Dougherty pop machine theft)

-Bev