The Small Town Sentinel Sunday

Guys, I’m back with the second edition of #STSS and we’ve got some gold.

For starters, someone in a 1998 Oldsmobile Intrigue outran the cops through four counties. On Christmas morning.

Now, one exciting piece of this is that the chase originated just a few short miles north of Smoke and Mama G’s house, and after eluding officials through several gravel roads, the hot rod “re-entered XX County in Mayberry.” Another good tidbit is that the “XX County Deputy intentionally rammed the suspect’s vehicle to bring the pursuit to a halt,” and my Lord, this is the most exciting thing that has happened near Mayberry since a peacock showed up at Smoke and Mama G’s. You remember.

Also, let’s not just glaze over the fact that the cops were outrun (for four counties) by a 20-year-old Oldsmobile.

In addition, this was the first edition of the STS of 2018, so we got a heartfelt look at 2017 highlights. And highlights there were!

First of all, a Mayberry man was sentenced to life in prison without parole. (reread that sentence) So, I know I’ve talked a lot here about how everyone in Mayberry knows everyone else, but there are two types of people in Mayberry: the ones whose families have lived there for decades, maybe even close to centuries; the ones who volunteer at the “church supper” and who have probably pulled you out of a snowy ditch when you were an idiotic 16-year-old (#ThankYouKennyShaw). And then there are the meth heads. The ones who move in because you can buy a decent house in Mayberry for like $28,000 (which you can afford because the payments on your ’98 Intrigue are low) and because the cops only show up in town like once a month. Obviously, Mr. Life in Prison is of the second variety of Mayberrians, and we don’t know who he is. But I do remember hearing about his arrest when it happened, as it made the real paper nearby- The Gazette, and maybe even a few other major papers. If you’re wondering why this Mayberry fella was arrested and sentenced to life in prison, let me enlighten you with some quotes from the Sentinel:

“During the jury trial, Mayberry ‘man’ was tried for the abuse of his former live-in girlfriend, Jane Doe, 36. He was accused of beating and torturing JD on Oct. 7, 2016 in their shared Mayberry home, and also of beating her in his vehicle while driving to Shiffon the next day. FMH was left with broken bones in her face and sinuses, burn marks from a stun gun and an eye injury that caused protracted vision loss. She also had severe swelling to her face and eyes, dog bites on her body and severe bruising on her arms.” Stun. Gun.

Jesus.

Other highlights of 2017 include a short column on the Shiffon police chief of one year. “When not serving as dog catcher, lawyer, officer and wearing other hats, John Doe like s to partake in outdoor activities like hunting, fishing.” That sentence is typed exactly as printed. Rogue s and all.

Oh, and stay tuned for more True Crime: My Small Town Life! “An ATM that was stolen during a Christmas Day heist from XX Bank in Rockdale has been found broken open and empty of all cash, according to a report from the County Sheriff’s Office.” I wonder if this is related to the stolen pop machine in Dougherty… (stay tuned, Mama G)

But I’ve saved the best for last, guys. The true highlight of 2017 comes in the form of Swale’s 125th birthday! Headline reads, “Heart still beating at 125” and I could hardly wait to see what kind of crazy shit went down in Swale last June. Well, here’s what crazy shit went down: “Throughout the afternoon, members of the Swale community celebrated the 125th birthday of the ‘little town with a big heart’ with a traditional Big Day event. Kicking things off with a parade of classic cars and tractors, residents spent the afternoon enjoying softball games and inflatables in the park before settling down for a pork sandwich dinner with homemade pie for dessert.” It’s worth noting that by dinner, this most likely means lunch. Let’s not go there right now. Later in the day, “Mayor Drury and Bill Caspian cracked open a time capsule buried in 1992. In a later interview, Drury called opening the time capsule the most emotional experience of his life.” It’s also worth noting that Bill Caspian is Ed’s brother. If you don’t remember who Ed is, click here and reread a little Swale background. Do you guys think Ed’s Mini Cooper was part of the parade? Maybe behind the Intrigue…

And there you have it, guys. The 2017 highlight reel from my small town community. Who’s hoping Bev makes it in for 2018? 

-Beverly I’mComingForYaSTS Goldenstein