STSS

OMG, guys, the day is finally here! The one you’ve all Mama G’s been waiting for! The details of the Dougherty pop machine heist! It’s my favorite thing in this week’s STS and will be the only thing I share with you from this week’s edition.

Vending machine bandits in Dougherty 

(Now, where I come from, there would be some more words capitalized in this headline. Also, I come from there, so I’m kinda confused, but let’s carry on)

According to the XX County Sheriff’s Office, faceless thieves stole $1,500 worth of property when they made away with two soda machines on Sunday, Jan 14, from a Main Street building in Dougherty. Are these thieves actually faceless? Because I gotta tell ya, there was a local legend named Mr. NoFace who lived near a lake in the area. Mr. NoFace was one of those things/people that were often discussed, but rarely (maybe never?) seen. He allegedly blew his face off freebasing cocaine in the 80s, and while High School Bev didn’t know what that meant¹, she sure kept her head on a swivel for a Mr. NoFace sighting whenever she visited the local lake.

The theft was reported at approximately 2 p.m., but the vending machines were described as non-functional, according to the Sheriff’s Office. Oh my God. It didn’t even work. This is easily my favorite part. However, maybe there were still some cans of Coke rollin’ around up in there? I guess we’ll never know.

The building is owned by JR of River City. At this time, no arrests have been made related to the incident.

Now, I know this is a short snippet from The STS, but quality over quantity, people. Non-working vending machines stolen and making a front page headline. I die.

In other (fairly unrelated) pop machine news, I do want to point out how important these sugar caddies are to small-town America. Smoke and Mama G have an old friend who recently relocated to another small town near Mayberry called Alec². Smoke and Mama G ran into said friend somewhere and were asking her about her new place, and where, exactly, in Alec it was located. She responded with, “You know where the pop machine is?” When Mama G acknowledged that, yes, she did, indeed, know where the Alec pop machine was, the friend was able to easily identify her new house as being across the street.

So, while you may see pop machines as a place to get a nice cold drink, a detriment to the obesity epidemic in America, or a nondescript object near the side of the road, some people see them as a navigation tool- a beacon of hope in an otherwise desperate landscape of actual directional aids like street signs and house numbers. I mean what do you think the fine citizens of Dougherty are doing without their pop machines? How are they directing new and old friends to their homes? DOUGHERTIANS, WEIGH IN- ARE Y’ALL OK? If not, we’d love to send FEMA in to help you, but I hope you have some other landmarks around town to help them find you.

-Bev

¹Adult Bev also doesn’t really know what freebasing is, to be completely honest. Let’s consider that a good thing, guys.

²Alec is not generally mentioned here, as it’s part of another school district nearby. This school district is comprised of three small towns, one being Alec, and another being Larimer. You will be hearing more about Larimer more and more, as it is the town where Maude, Jasper, Margaret, and Norma relocated last summer. It’s also the hometown of Grandma Agnes and Keith (wife of cousin Timmy). I know, I know… again, all very confusing and incestual. Sue us.