Shit

Well, if you aren’t Facebook friends with Bev, shame on you then you missed the latest in the shitshow I call life. 

I just knocked a fullllllllll glass of wine off of my nightstand, splashing the Lord’s nectar all over the damn place.

I mean, I am 5’9″ and the top of my mattress nearly comes up to my waist (tall mattress and bed risers to fit more clothes underneath), and the only reason I knew the wine spilled was because it splashed onto my glasses (which I’m still wearing due to my eye almost falling out from cat allergy from Monday).

I then quickly realized there was legitimately spilled wine everywhere in my room. Like, you know how blood spatter can be tested with Luminol? Well, I’m not sure how you can detect Chardonnay, but I’m pretty sure it’s never coming out of these walls, carpets, and Brangelina’s face on the cover of the People magazine on my floor. Oh, and the best part is, the glass seemed to tip riiiiiiight onto a little extension cord I have peeking out from the bottom of my bed to plug in my iPhone charger and lamp. If I don’t show up for work tomorrow, everybody go to brunch, print out funeral bulletins of my face Photoshopped onto Kim’s body, and donate my liver to the Smithsonian.

Oh, and save Smoke and MamaG some money on the Luminol. That substance on the wall? It’s Chardonnay. It’s Chardonnay, OK?

Come on, Bev. You’re better than this. This is a rookie mistake. Protect the wine, Bev. Protect the wine. 

Wine in my slippers,
wine on my purse.
If I was a rapper,
this would be my first verse.

Wine on my carpet.
wine on my ‘zines.
If I’m electrocuted,
wine on the crime scene(s).

Wine on my nightstand,
wine on my clean sheets.
Wine in my carpet,
glad it doesn’t rot like the meats

Wait, just wait a second…
maybe rapping really is my life’s calling.
My room smells of Chardonnay,
wiping up the spill, I’m definitely stalling.

Plan B it is,
let’s check the fridge.
Never been so happy to see some Coors Lights,
Go to bed, Beverly, just turn out the damn lights.

YouTube credit: Em-Tea

Sorry for the vulgarity, but I am really channeling my inner Rabbit right now. 

-Beverly Rabbitstein