Bev’s Best Bounties

OK, friends, life has mostly returned to normal, and this week will be dedicated to updating you on celebrating the holidays with the Goldenstein/Page clan in Mayberry. It was a great time, and I honestly think I’m still recovering. (I mean, I’m drinking a white wine spritzer as I type this- still trying to hydrate!)

I’d like to start off my holiday recap posts with my top three gifts, because I’m a materialistic asshole, and at 33 years old, receiving gifts is still one of my favorite parts of the holidays. So, here’s what was under the tree for Bev this year. Or last year. Whatever, man. What is time?

1. Garlic plate
Are you asking yourself, “WTF is a garlic plate?” Good! Let me tell you. This little plate that could almost fit in the palm of your hand is the stuff dreams are made of, and I’m damn surprised the three wise men didn’t bring one for Mary. If there would have been a fourth wise man, he totes would have shown up with one of these and a fresh clove or two. Basically, this plate is a garlic grater, so you grate a clove or two of garlic onto the plate¹, top with olive oil (feel free to jazz up with other oils, herbs, etc.), dip your favorite bread into the oil, devour, and then ask yourself why you haven’t had one of these for the last 33 years. At least that’s what I did when I first experienced the garlic plate at my girl, Betty’s house earlier in the fall. Betty, I both love and hate you for introducing me to what is my current snack obsession, and will be my go-to appetizer for my next small gathering. Pro tip for anyone interested in the garlic plate: buy frozen rolls that you can warm up individually, so that you don’t have to eat an entire baguette when you start gratin’. I recommend Sister Schubert’s frozen dinner yeast rolls. Individually frozen, take five minutes to make in a warm oven, and an absolute goddamn dream. Anyhoo, you’ll find links to the products below, should you be of interest. I wish I could tell you that these are affiliate links, and that I might make $.05 off of your garlic plate purchase, but I don’t know how to do that… #TechSupport??

Get to gratin’ your garlic, guys- it’s grate! (Yeah, I did it) https://www.amazon.com/Ceramic-Grater-Perfect-Garlic-Ginger/dp/B01JZNKYG2/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1483916890&sr=8-1&keywords=garlic+plate+white

And, don’t forget poor Sister Schubert! She needs you to buy her rolls! I have no idea whether or not she is a nun, and whether or not that fits in with your beliefs, but these rolls are worth it either way. (check out Sister Schubert’s bio while you’re there!) http://www.sisterschuberts.com/bags/product/458/dinner-yeast-rolls

2. Gold measuring cups and spoons
I just love these damn things. I don’t know what it is about them, but I think they would make me feel very fancy while cooking/baking. I say ‘think they would’ because I haven’t used them yet. You’re probably thinking I haven’t been spending much time in the kitchen since I’ve been back in MyCity. No, I’ve actually spent most of my time in the kitchen since I’ve been back in MyCity. I just don’t want to use my new tools for fear of them not looking as pretty and shiny as they do now. I’ll save them for my Pinterest-worthy kitchen and life, and then I’ll share pictures of me, frolicking around my immaculate kitchen, baking some impossible-looking cookie, with flour on my nose or some shit. I’ll be wearing an apron, and the wine will be on a rack, not in the fridge, where it belongs. (yes, I know none of this will ever happen, but I hoard weird things, guys. Post-its. Expensive lotions and soaps that come with my perfume. New socks. I know.)

Get yourself some gold measuring tools!
Cups: http://www.target.com/p/gold-measuring-cup-threshold/-/A-51032088 
Spoons: http://www.target.com/p/-/A-51032128

3. Squatty Potty
Just Google this one if you want the detes.

And there you have it, friends. The first of a few Mayberry holiday recap posts. Upcoming: family quotes/stories, and a rural bar crawl rundown. You don’t want to miss that one, trust me.

Oh, and I do have to add in a fourth gift, which is actually probably my favorite. It came after the holidays, because she probably knew that we would all be down in the dumps after all the fun events were over… Kim is back on social media. Oh, happy day! She looks fantastic for those who haven’t seen her (super skinny- Kim, I hope you read this), and her hair is down to her ass. Weird thing is, I have long hair, and was thinking of cutting a few inches off, or possibly growing it really long. Decision: made.  

“I saw Kim with hair down to her ass, so I grew my hair down to my ass.”

YouTube credit: drumzilla999

I’d love to hear about your favorite gifts,and/ or if you decide to purchase any of mine!

-Bev

¹Be careful here. I’m just waiting for my thumb flesh to end up mixed into the garlicky goodness.