Bevsico Update

I’ve been at my resort for nearly 24 hours now, and I wanted to give you all an update. (AKA: I wanted to let MamaG, Nan, and Ardith know I’m alive because I know they’re all waiting for news of my beheading).

First of all, I had some good luck on my flight. The couple next to me was packing heat in the form of 6-8 mini bottles of Smirnoff, and offered me one should I need. I certainly considered buying one of Frontier’s drink “specials” where you get two adult drinks and a mixer for $16. I planned to get two Silver Bullets and whatever they wanted for a mixer, in hopes of a shooter in exchange. (Yes, I put vodka in my beer. That’s another post.) Then I decided to go rogue, save myself $3, and just get the 2 adult beverages for $13. I even changed up my order to include a Silver Bullet and a pear cider, because I am classy, guys. Well, this turned out to be a very positive decision, because my pear cider wouldn’t open. Like, I pulled the tab, but the little button didn’t enter my drink, creating the hole from which I drink. (This probably makes no sense but I’ve been drinking, and who would’ve ever thought describing the components of a can would be so technical?) Anyway, I alerted my flight attendant, to which I was given another and told, “I’ll let you keep it if you can open it.” I replied, “Challenge accepted,” and immediately asked my vodka-carrying friends to my right for tips. Husband got that baby open for me, and I accidentally (but on purpose) enjoyed 3 drinks en route. Note: this became slightly problematic when we encountered “some bumps” and I wanted to throw a Xannie down the hatch, but thought against it with the 3 drinks. This is probably one of the smartest things I have ever done. Literally. (MamaG, Nan, and Ardith are all breathing sighs of relief right now).

Fast forward to arriving at resort after a short ride in a van from the airport, being greeted with a glass of champagne as I stepped off the van, and the bubbly hasn’t stopped since. I was extremely tired last night and after a kick-ass dinner of scallops and mini baked potatoes, followed by a few more glasses of champs at the “poolside champagne party” hosted by the resort, I turned in pretty early, as my life is basically a poolside champagne party, and I didn’t have any FOMO. (MamaG, Nan, and Ardith are breathing again)

This morning, I woke up pretty early, and was at breakfast by 8:30. Actually a little later than I would’ve been, because as I was preparing my little beach bag, I realized that I lost my headphones (4 beers, 8ish glasses of champagne, and going 8 hours without eating will do that to ya…). After checking the two places I had been yesterday with no luck, I sat down for some eggs, fruit, and orange juice…. and… like 10 other things when I realized it was another buffet after I’d already ordered… but that’s beside the point.

Moral of the story is that I had my ass parked on a beach bed by 9:15am, and it was only a matter of time before the beach bar (less than 10 feet away) opened. Life was (pretty) good. You see, I downloaded like 4 audiobooks and a bunch of podcasts, planning on that being my entertainment for my beach days. Until I lost my headphones. But life was still pretty awesome. I spent my morning bouncing around pretty much any type of beach lounge chair available. Beach bed with a cover if I needed it? Sat there. Chaise in full sun a stone’s throw from the water? Sat there. Swim-up barstool? Sat there. My own swim-out pool? Sat (more like stood) there. Lounger just above the pool water, so I could dip my feet in if I wanted to? Sat there.

Headed back to my room for a slight sun break (I’m being very strategic about getting the best tan possible but no burn. Literal scientist right now, y’all). AND THEN I FOUND MY HEADPHONES.

High on life, and headphones in tow, I headed out to try another restaurant for lunch (as you may have noticed, I am trying to see and experience all that I paid for). This particular excursion took me to the family section of the resort where I hadn’t been yet… You see ol’ Bevvy G here paid for the adults only section (thank God) and when I arrived at the new restaurant there was a group of people there asking for a passport that had been lost the night before. That made me feel really, really good about the fact that I had only lost (and found) my $20 headphones (EVERYONE KNOCK ON WOOD). (Note: my passport and important paperwork are locked on my safe, guys. [cue MamaG, Nan, and Ardith breathing again]).

I’ll leave you with a few thoughts and observations as a singleton on vaca in Cancun:
*teenage girl gangs are way more terrifying than large groups of adults. I haven’t felt uncomfortable or intimidated at all on this trip until I came to the family side and saw all these little packs of pre-pubescent girls in their braces and bikinis. I nearly jumped in the pool and out of their way, because a) I’m afraid of them, and b) they couldn’t be bothered to look up from their devices to see my fat ass in front of them. Ya know what, ladies? You have fun in the midst of your frog slides and mushroom sprinklers, and as soon as I finish a few glasses of champagne and some beef carpaccio, I’ll get the hell back to the adults-only area, OK? (And yes, I’ll sneak you in for 100USD apiece. Contact me here.)
*apparently, traveling singletons are more rare than my beef carpaccio, because I have been accosted like I’m smuggling in 50kilos of coke everywhere I’ve been. Just you? You aren’t with anyone else? Are you here for a wedding? Are you joining someone? And the list goes on. People: I am here alone. Now, if you could leave me alone (sans taking/bringing my food and drink orders), that would be fabulous.

OK, guys, I gotta post this and get outta here. I literally think they’re having a swimsuit competition right now (yes, on the fam side), and I’m almost certain I’ve drained them of champagne. Adults only section calls.

-Bev

P.S. Please forgive any typos or weird font, etc. in this post- I have done all of it on my phone. Also please google the scene in Bridesmaids when Kristen Wiig gets in a fight with the teenager at the jewelry store… Because that’s me with these teen gangs.