Bev meets a Lizatic in CanLOON

I really didn’t meet or talk to many people on the trip (Bev is kinda known for striking up drunken conversations, but I really felt like keeping to myself this trip…), but I sure met one gem. She strolled up to me at one of the many bars, as I was chillin’ with an ice-cold Dos Equis. I honestly can’t even remember how she started the conversation, but it was one of those sneaky ploys where someone is kind of talking to him/herself, and then, all of a sudden, they’re talking to you. Maybe you’re responding and maybe you’re not, but they’ve gotten your attention (and often, killed your buzz). Well, that’s what happened with ol’ Liz from Toronto. She was honestly one of the most odd people I’ve ever met (goddamn Canadians), and I’m not sure I can portray her here. I’ll do my best to just give you the anecdotal notes, via the quotes I recorded in my Notes app. (Bev’s thoughts and quotes are in pink. I really hope you would be able to figure that out, but to be clear…)

AH! Yes! I just remembered how she sucked me into her vortex of crazy…

“You need a nose stick.”

“Uh… wha…” (not even sure I got that out)

“We’ve seen so many young girls with their noses just….” (gesturing to her nose)

“Oh… is… is my nose burnt?” (knowing full and goddamn well it wasn’t)

“No.”

…

“Larry, would you show this young woman the nose stick?”

Liz’s husband, Larry, pulls a stick of sunscreen out of his fanny pack. Bev acts like he’s displaying the Hope Diamond while Liz babbles on.

(Liz notices Bev’s dollar tucked under her Dos Equis) “Oh, you’re organized. You’ve got your dollar bills. Some people that came this year, they didn’t even know that. So we wrote a nice big thing for ’em.” (This sentence doesn’t even really make sense, but this is what she said- verbatim- because I was literally just typing shit into my notes as she was talking. I will say, I’d love to read Liz’s Trip Advisor review [I assume this is what she means by “a nice big thing for ’em” but we’ll never know, guys.])

“They won’t serve me. I’m a woman. You probably know how that feels.”
“Oh… no. I’ve had great service the whole time I’ve been here.” (I mean, come on, Liz- Mexico is known for a lot of shit, but I’m not sure that treating women poorly is one of them.) Within minutes, Bev has a fresh Dos Equis without having given any kind of signal to bartender- take that, Liz! And thanks, Enrique!

“Well, I can’t even pronounce this one. How could I drink it?” Please leave.

“Do you have a banana drink?” (after she looked at the menu for at least five minutes) “A banana drink without alcohol?” Please leave. “My doctor warned me. But then my pharmacist warned me, I thought, oh, this must be serious!” Oh, because I totally asked, Liz!

Liz’s drink is coming, and Bev is counting down the seconds until the old broad walks away. “Oh there it is. There’s my Beachcomber.” Oh, dear God. She ordered a virgin Beachcomber. Am I back on the frickin’ kids’ side?!?!?!

“Well, Beverly, maybe we’ll see you again. We’re over there by the pools. Oh, yeah, in the Hideaway area. We’re by the pools.” Super descriptive at an all-inclusive resort in Mexico, Liz! I’ll see you there for happy hour. 

Jesus.

-Bev