Bessie’s Bachelorette

Bev took a long weekend and headed to somewhere in middle America to celebrate cousin Bessie. Bessie’s wedding is coming up and this weekend was her epic bachelorette bash. The weekend included (but is not limited to)¹:

-25 ladies split between 2 condos
-an unexpected zipline for some participants
-a Toyota Yaris with no cruise control, center console/arm rest, or remote to lock/unlock from outside
-2 clogged toilets
-a seasick chick who is also terrified of drowning, wearing a life vest while alternating between lying down on and puking off of our boat, then spending nearly $200 on shots during the 3-hour boat ride
-MamaG and Aunt Sue cleaning puke out of their bedroom carpet
-a broken hide-a-bed which caused 2 fairly grisly injuries (see picture below. The other injury involves a slice down the middle of another one of the attendees’ face… and said attendee is getting married in 5 days)
-a very in-depth conversation about (and discovery of one friend’s very real fear of) dry sockets
-speaking of irrational fears, one attendee consistently asking if she still had her teeth following the boat ride
-dancing with a senior citizen wearing a bolo tie
-the boat bartender handing us a bottle of Tito’s when the boat captain wasn’t looking
-6 pounds of nacho cheese (amongst at least 100 pounds of other food)
-boat dancing that can never be discussed again
-Jell-o shots in a Walmart bag
-Uncle Bart’s cigars (unbeknownst to him)
-an ID-less, debit card-less bride to be

Needless to say, Bev is a bit tired tonight, and is going to bed. It’d be real nice if Beyoncé and JayZ could release the names of their kids so I could sleep, though.

-Bev

¹Names and identities have been left out to protect the innocent.