MouseDate

Well, I’m bringing this post to you from the brink of sanity- like I’m in the parking lot of an asylum, guys. Not literally, but you know what I mean. I thought my original mouse problem was solved when the original Mickey was slaughtered, and I honestly can’t type details right now, but the “original mouse problem” is not solved. I have not slept in my own home in four days (three nights) and I am existing on a very specific diet of champagne, salted caramel mochas, and cheese. This experience is really teaching me a lot about myself and how I deal with bumps in the road. Here’s a little taste of what I have learned.

I need medication. 

I mean, seriously. In the past week, I have…

*cried. a lot.

*stayed at some of my best friends’ houses. a lot. (more on that in another post-shoutout to Bev’s friends, man)

*paid a fourth grader to “keep me company”. (this sounds creepy as hell. It’s really not. Literally.)

*not walked around my house barefoot.

*seen the most beautiful man I have ever seen in my –literally– life at Home Depot, stalked him a teeny bit (he was in the rug area- I like rugs too…), then jumped nine feet in the air when I passed the end of an aisle and he came to the same corner at the same time with his cart. (startle reflex on FLEEK) I was wearing sweaty gym clothes, carrying bleach and mouse traps, and I can’t believe that asshole didn’t ask me out to dinner.

*not sat on my living room furniture.

*boxed my personal trainer- that. felt. good.

*done my makeup in my office at 6 am.

*listened to a lot of rap music. Rap music makes me feel like I can conquer the world (or kill an animal that weighs 4 ounces). #RakeItUp

*carried around a plastic Target bag containing my toothbrush, toothpaste, extra (travel) phone charger, contacts, and glasses. Like, this bag has been in my car for like ten days. I am ready for any sort of natural disaster. (just add peanut butter)

*bleached my kitchen x14.

*gone to the post office, returned 2-3 items, cleaned out my car (inside and out), gotten gas, wandered World Market, Barnes and Noble (taking pictures of Whole30 recipes I like from the cookbook on the sly and then not buying it- probably highly illegal), Target, and the grocery store. Guys, I’m spending my free time at the grocery store. I mean, I am seriously avoiding my home like The Plague. You know, The Plague that the mice in my apartment are probably carrying.

*thrown a potato at my gym bag.

-Bev

I threw. a potato. at my gym bag. (shoutout to Fawn for the “throw something at it” strategy after the original Mickey ten days ago. That Fawn. She smart, y’all.)