Montage of Mayhem in Mayberry

Guys, I have been in Mayberry (well, the Mayberry area) for like three days and all kinds of shit has hit the proverbial fan.

I survived a day of Extreme Hangover: Christmas Shopping with Mama G Edition. There was even an added twist of me losing her debit card and I somehow came out of it all alive. (I think)

Mama G, Maude, and I also survived a stay in the world’s most disgusting hellscape of a hotel. You know, the one where the housekeeping staff has covered up the smoke smell with coconut air freshener, where there’s a gaping hole in one of the pieces of furniture, confetti in the corner of one of the bedrooms where I’m convinced a stripper jumped out of a cake, damp sheets, and gum wrappers in the bathroom. We’re honestly not sure why we didn’t just cancel the room immediately for a different place entirely, but what doesn’t kill you makes you smell like a smoky coconut, guys! #Smokonut

The peacock got caught. Guys. Smoke told Mama G that the peacock had wandered into our shed during the day on Monday and he’d called the original owners to come try to get it Tuesday morning. Smoke and I went out to the shed Monday night so I could meet my brother before he got deported. We found him roosting up in the rafters of our shed- which is fairly terrifying. (look at his eyes and shadows in these pics)

So the next morning, I was up in dinking around on Instagram, when I received a text from Mama G (downstairs): “Peacock rodeo is underway!” So, you can bet your ass that I ran out to the shed to document this for you all. Turns out, the peacock already had a name- Bird, as his original owner (captor) can be heard yelling at him in the videos. Guys, I am super duper sorry to report to you that I can not figure out how to get these videos to upload here- they are too big and I have tried emailing them, and Mail Dropping them (I have no idea what that even means), and I’m sick of wasting my only free day on vacation trying to get them here. If you want to see them, you can contact me directly, or if someone has any idea how to get a few fifteen second videos loaded onto a blog, I’ll buy you a beer of your choice. Which will be a Coors Light, just so you know. 

My extremely limited technical skills and I were able to get some of the pictures up- note the cage and then the net… I can’t believe we sent my brother home to these thugs! 

Tuesday was filled with family photos in 25 degrees + 35 mph winds, a “grand friends” program at my nieces’ school (which turned into front row naptime for Smoke), and sushi and cocktails with cousins Bessie and Alfred, Gertrude and Clark, and Timmy and Keith.

Now, I’m hanging out at Smoke and Mama G’s with some down time. Today, this translates into repeatedly spelling the word ‘batteries’ for Smoke, listening to Mama G calling everyone she knows in order to try to get rid of the newest stray pet that has shown up at our house- a cat, having Smoke realize that Charles Manson died, and Mama G is making “a” turkey, but not “the” turkey.

I have no idea.

-Bev