Uber Goober(s)

As we all know, Father’s Day is approaching quickly. (well, at least I hope you know that. If not, you’ve got a few hours to throw something together!) Maude and I lucked out this year in that we were able to get Smoke and Mama G one joint gift that we think they’ll actually really like. In fact, we’re pretty much sure they will, because we asked them before we bought the tickets. You see, Martin Short and Steve Martin are going on tour this summer, and we got them tickets to one of the shows near Mayberry. While we knew they would enjoy the show (you should hear Smoke’s version of Steve Martin’s SNL skit ‘King Tut’ sometime), we had to double-check dates with them before making the purchase. (you should also hear Smoke’s version of how if “he doesn’t do it, it don’t get done”… you best not plan things for him because he will literally skip it if he can be in a tractor [or other piece of machinery] for the day)

Anyhoo, I did want to share some Mother’s/Father’s Day content with you because it brings up some pretty good Smoke and Mama G stories. And let’s face it, without Smoke and Mama G, Bev ain’t that funny.

We’ll start out with this email I received shortly before Mother’s Day:

I mean, for many moms, this would be a great gift, right? I mean, I’m not a mom, but I didn’t really realize that Uber did gift certificates/credits, so I’m happy to know that for future gifts; just not likely to be given to Mama G.

You see, Mama G is a fairly new Uber user. Like, within the last six months. In actuality, she signed up for Uber more like a year ago, but signed up to be a driver. Which, ya know, is handy a) in Mayberry and b) for someone who has literally never used the app before.

Anyway, she finally managed to sign up to take Uber rides not give them, and was pretty jacked up to take her first ride while she and Smoke were visiting Austin a few months ago. Please note that there were at least two conference calls before said ride. You know your typical Mom calls (we’ve all had them) “How do they know where I am?” and one where she was sitting at home in Mayberry, but wanted to be able to estimate the cost of an Uber ride from their hotel in Austin to the airport or downtown. Admittedly, this is more intermediate Uber usage- not for the beginner Uber Mom! You go, Mama G!

Anyway, she finally got up the gumption to take the first ride, and she was feelin’ pretty proud of herself after…

I know you’re probably thinking it’s odd that I asked if Smoke rode up front, because, well, that’s not really something one does in an Uber. Unless, of course, one is ol’ Smoke Goldenstein. Then- then, not only does one sit up front, but one absolutely pummels the Uber driver with questions from trip start to trip finish. You might not believe me, but here’s a list of actual questions/comments from Smoke to the last Uber driver we had together (this was before he and Mama G ventured out together, and was, therefore, under my account and rating).

“When’s it supposed to snow?”
“What’s the temperature?”
“Does your car have a thermometer?”
“What year is this?”
“Oh this is a Hybrid- I see the 48.8 mpg.”
“Well, you’re makin’ money like crazy then with that kind o’gas mileage.”
“Well, I suppose if I had a smart phone I could be sitting here, punchin’ on that son of a bitch like the rest of the world and everybody’d be happy.” (said when he caught a glimpse of me furiously typing his chatter into my notes to be saved for a rainy day Bev post. Luckily for you, that rainy day is today.)

This is only what I could capture, and doesn’t include anything from an epic Uber trip a few years back when Smoke, Mama G, Aunt Sue, Bessie, and I met up for a very big game for OurTeam. We were all shoved into an Uber (Smoke in front, natch) on our way home after dinner, and the downtown was crawling with fans of both OurTeam and the other. I don’t have any actual quotes, but he may or may not have been urging the driver to run over “Jaguars” as we’ll call the other team.

Somehow, I still have a 4.71 rating at Uber, guys. Next time Smoke’s in town, I’m going to carefully monitor any increases (OK, let’s be real- decreases in said rating).

Oh, that reminds me. Mama G called me one day to tell her her Uber rating. I had to break it to her that Uber isn’t necessarily a social media network, and that there’s no way for me to look up her rating unless I log into her account.

Literally, as I was working on this post, I got another Uber email, suggesting I buy Uber credits for my dad for Father’s Day. I just can’t even imagine.

-Bev

P.S.- An extra happy Father’s Day to my cousin, Timmy (dad to Adeline and Hank). He only gets a special shoutout because his wife thought Father’s Day was last Sunday and she already gave him his gifts. Which slays me.