Bev’s Beholden, Day 26 (again)

So, yesterday, I posted that it was Day 26 and it was Day 25, because of course I did. 

I’m thankful that I noticed that, but also keeping it because I think it’s funny. 

Now, today’s post is one that I have been looking forward to for a long, LONG time. Unfortunately, I thought I had been taking screen shots for the past few months, but I can’t find them. They’re probably somewhere with Uncle Bart’s nickname list. However, upon realizing my misplaced screen shot mistake, I have been stocking up on a few newbies in the past few weeks, and I have some goodies to share.

Today’s gratitude post is directed at the Daily Mail, which is a news source (?) based out of London. I am not exactly one to follow the “real” news, but I’ll be damned if I don’t love me some gossip tabloids. Specifically, Daily Mail. The headlines these people come up with are absolutely outrageous and I’m so here for it. Like I said, there have been even better ones in the past, but I can’t find the pictures, so here’s a little taste.

I sincerely hope that if I ever get stuck in my own bathtub for five days (Lord, help me to always keep a wine fridge in the bathroom), that it does NOT make worldwide news, and certainly does NOT feature a photo of my face. I’m glad Alison is OK though. Also, I wonder if they change names over at the Daily Mail. Because that? That is not the face of an Alison to me…

Before I saw this article, if someone had given me a million dollars to name the desired last meal of a serial killer in Tennessee, this would’ve been it. And then I could have my wine fridge in the bathroom. 

And I feel guilty if I let the kids watch TV for more than thirty minutes when I babysit. (Also, “bag of meth” and “Dollar Tree”- not the first time these phrases have been mentioned in the same breath, I reckon.)

“Hey, honey, how was your day at work?”

I mean, have you heard of writing a passive aggressive email to protest your HOA? Starting a petition? A flaming bag of dog shit on the stoop at the next HOA meeting? Let’s keep the Nazis out of this, people. In fact, let’s keep the Nazis out of everything, people. Dear Lord.

I mean, honestly, just read that one again. The run-on sentences and oddly sequenced clauses, phrases, etc. are another favorite feature of the Daily Mail. I generally have to read the headlines six times before they make sense. No commas. It’s chaos out there.

I just love how camel is in all caps. Go back and reread it with the emphasis on camel, if you didn’t already. Also, I feel for that camel. #StartleReflexIsStrongInThisOne

And this is my recent favorite. I love this and just have so many questions. Why was she half-naked? How does one fall through a ceiling twice? Was it the same ceiling and she fell through the same hole? WHAT IS HAPPENING? And is “Tennessee Cook Out” some kind of business? Why is it capitalized? Isn’t cookout one word? 

I LOVE YOU, DAILY MAIL.

Now, go download the app.

-Bev