An Unexpected Rant (proceed with caution)

I just walked over to the hipster coffee shop near my house where I often come to do work… when holding my laptop on my couch just doesn’t sound comfortable at all. Like most Americans, I’m limping through this work week to make it to the end of the week and begin continue celebrating the holidays, so I skipped the coffee and ordered a prosecco.

As I ordered, I noticed a couple with a huge dog near the back of the store and inquired about whether or not the coffee shop allowed all dogs/animals. The barista/bartender appears to be high out of her mind and has to ask me to repeat literally everything I say about five times. She finally answers me that they allow “most dogs, ya know, as long as they’re, like, well-behaved.” I replied with a curt, “Oh,” and she quickly responded with, “Why, do you have a dog?” To which I replied with a(nother) curt(er), “No, I hate dogs and I think it’s ridiculous.” Then she responded by screaming, “You hate dogs?” across the bar and I told her I didn’t believe they should be allowed in place where food is served. Her retort? “Yeah, well, we only have, like, pastries,” while she poured me the world’s smallest glass of prosecco, which I’m now finishing in record time and walking across the street to an establishment that does not allow dogs.

Oh, and literally, as I’m typing this, the “well-behaved” dog just walked up to the next customer and started sniffing his balls. I. Hate. Everyone.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned this here yet, but I’m considering starting a petition to get an anti-anxiety animal anxiety vest for myself. Like, I want to go to my doctor and describe the anxiety I feel when I am around animals and see if I can get some kind of governmentally-approved note stating that I cannot sit within a certain row range of an animal on a flight.

a) Now taking vest design submissions.

b) Would you sign the petition? (I truly think my anxiety while sitting next to a support animal on a flight is triple the anxiety that some of these people feel in the regular settings where they require their support animals. Disclaimer: I support fully trained service dogs as they are necessary… meaning I don’t like them, but I understand that they are, at time, truly needed. But, I’m sorry, Jennifer, buying your Pomeranian a vest on Amazon because you “can’t bear to leave her for Christmas” doesn’t qualify you to need a support animal. And it sure as shit shouldn’t require me to have to sit next to one.)

c) Did I just find my 2019 resolution?

-Bev

P.S. I’m getting really fired up (I can feel my chest getting hot) so I’m taking my dog-hating ass elsewhere and thinking only happy thoughts for the next hour.