Small Town Spotlight 3: Arendale

All right, we’re here for Small Town Spotlight #3, and it’s Arendale’s time to shine. I have to preface this one by saying that I honestly think I’ve only been to Arendale like… twice before we cruised over for the Cheese Ball Crawl. Like, if someone paid me a million dollars to drive from Smoke and MamaG’s house to Arendale right now (without the help of a map or GPS), I’m not certain that I’d make it. Two of my high school classmates (one whose wife is an avid Bev reader- hi, Loretta) lived in the country near Arendale, so I went there on “TP Night” of homecoming of my senior year. I think we got all the senior guys’ moms to let us into their bedrooms to TP and I wanna say we may have thrown a pair or two of boxers into freezers. Loretta, can you get Kaleb to weigh in in the comments? In addition to that, I think I had only visited Arendale to go to Ducks. You know, Ducks- the bar that served high schoolers for some reason and made “great” Sex on the Beaches. God, remember drinking Sex on the Beach? Every bar had a different recipe, it seemed, and I can nearly guarantee that if I ordered one now, I’d have an immediate cavity and possible ulcer. Anyhoo, Ducks had a reputation for serving minors, and I feel like maybe it was some kind of secret gay bar? Am I making that up? It’s now called The Outpost, which makes me think it’s some kind of secret strip club. As I’m writing this, I feel like Arendale is maybe the most interesting of the small towns in the Mayberry area. Which I think I may need to start calling the Maybarea?

Christ on a cracker, Bev, just get to the pictures. For the love of God.

Small Town Stats
Public Pools: 0
Private Pools: 0
Pop Machines: 0
Bars that might be gay bars or strip clubs (or gay strip clubs): 1

So, we’ve seen lots of churches so far, but Arendale has a gospel hall. I don’t know what a gospel hall is. Again, Arendale bringin’ the mystery.

Arendale seems to be the only of our small towns with a Little Free Library, so that’s cool. Although now that I’m putting together the pieces of the Arendale puzzle, I’m wondering if these books are actually filled with cocaine. Or meth. Probably meth.

Do you guys think this post office is made to look like it’s from 1885 or is it actually from 1885?

Here she is! In all her glory! And what’s with that tiny bar across the door? Like, that’s not stopping anyone or anything from entering. Or leaving. Or maybe it has some kind of sensor and they use it to keep the strippers locked inside. I’ve got a full Arendale conspiracy theory going at this point. They probably bring the strippers in from the Swale sex ring. I hope they can at least mix themselves a Sex on the Beach whenever they’d like.

This empty sign is definitely some sort of stripper Bat-Signal.

And now, just some photos of the Arendale landscape. Or should I say hellscape? I mean, a bank and a lot of places one could dump a body. Pretty convenient, isn’t it, Arendale?!?!

 

Locals, feel free to weigh in on the enigma that is Arendale. (Kaleb, blink twice if we need to rescue your parents)

-Beverly “Uncovering the Midwest’s Great Mystery” Goldenstein

P.S- In not unrelated news, Fawn knows where my If I Go Missing folder is.