OK, so when I did a quick Google search of Donkey Ball to confirm the (ridiculous) name of this fundraiser, I came across the article below. Please read in its entirety before coming back here for Bev’s thoughts.
Donkey basketball, or donkey ball, is not uncommon at school fundraising events around the country. Ummmm, it’s not?!?!
dribbling, for obvious reasons, isn’t part of the game. Oh, but it’s damn fun to picture, isn’t it, friends?
The Humane Society of the United States and the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals have come out strongly against the sport. PETA claims that donkey basketball teaches kids to be cruel to animals, and that the game represents unfair treatment of the beasts because they’re “dragged, kicked, and punched by participants who have no animal-handling experience.”
Camie Heleski, an animal science instructor at Michigan State University, told the New York Times the worst part is just that “it is probably somewhat confusing to the donkey.” Oh, really? You mean donkeys aren’t inherently good at basketball? Also, what percentage of a donkey’s day do you think is spent in a state of confusion? Because I’m willing to bet it’s at least 98%.
One of the oldest, Buckeye Donkey Ball, has been in operation since 1934 (the company also provides services for donkey baseball, donkey racing and regular donkey rentals, in case you were in the market). I included this quote purely as a public service announcement for any of you who might be struggling to plan an upcoming holiday event.
Donkey ball’s infiltration of American life has even resulted in a parody in The Onion; a SportsCenter-esque bit about a two-year-old donkey who was called up to the pros. The donkeys in that spoof aren’t cartoons, but they aren’t far off. When you remember that the game forces real animals to participate in basketball whether they want to or not, the whole sport may seem a lot less amusing. Oh, I’m sorry… “forces real animals to participate in basketball whether they want to or not…” This isn’t the fat kid being made to play basketball in gym class, only to be mercilessly mocked on the bus after school every day. It’s not some knock-kneed asthmatic dweeb cowering in the showers so his classmates don’t see his pasty-white toothpick legs or the largely overweight girl whose parents won’t buy her deodorant who would like to literally sink into a hole rather than play basketball. It’s a donkey. It doesn’t want to or not because it can’t want to or not. It’s not like Dauber is being forced to play basketball instead of following his passion of learning French. Dorthy’s not missing out on working her side job to make money to support her family by playing fundraiser basketball, guys.1 I’m not worried that Darryl is being pulled from his cancer-curing research to take a shit on a gym floor in some small town in the Midwest, whose school needs money to support something needed for actual human children. Dauber and Dorthy get some exercise and attention for a few hours and probably a little extra hay in the trailer ride to and from the gig. Hell, maybe they even get to meet and mingle with donkeys from other farms- a networking event, of sorts! Last I heard, Dauber has an interview with Wells Fargo and Dorthy has been connected with Kim Kardashian’s ride share program to help the previously-incarcerated get transportation to job interviews, work, and other events! Darryl doesn’t network in the trailer, guys. He brings his laptop and field notes so that he can relentlessly pursue his lifetime dream.
The cancer cure? No. Finding his next. Sometimes, it just ain’t. that. serious, y’all.
All kidding aside, I still find Donkey Ball funny as all hell and if you don’t, well, don’t let the door hit ya…
-Bev
1Yes, I spelled Dorthy that way on purpose. So that you guys could remember my favorite Dorthy, the duplicitous deserter. (Mom, that’s a link you can click and follow to the old post)
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