Goldenstein Gift Guides

It’s that time of the year- the time when all the bloggers and influencers bust out their holiday gift guides to “help” all of us buy gifts for our friends and family members. You know, the friends and family members these influencers have never met, but are just sure will love the (sponsored/affiliate-linked) overpriced and patently ridiculous gifts they push us to buy.

Like the $50 Yeti fishing bucket on a certain blogger’s men’s gift guide. Literally, do any of you know of any man who would want a $50 BUCKET? Or anyone, for that matter? If someone ever gave me a $50 bucket, I’d smash them in the face with it. (unless, of course, it was a champagne bucket engraved with my initials or something… but a Yeti fishing bucket? Yeah, that would be Exhibit A in my assault trial.)

Another favorite that I’ve seen on several influencers’ men’s gift guide? A multi-tool. I just have to break this shit down to y’all right here and now. If your dad doesn’t have a multi-tool, he’s a fake dad. And if your husband doesn’t have one, HIS husband does, OK? Seriously, bloggers? You think that a) guys don’t already have one of these and b) that you can pick out the best one? Actual quote from the same bozo blogger’s gift guide, regarding a multi-tool: I think this is so cool! It has 11 tools. What a coincidence- the same amount of brain cells that the author has!

Another popular gift item that Nordstrom is paying influencers to shill bloggers are adding to their gift guides? Barefoot Dreams blankets. This is popular on the “parent” gift guide. Because what parent doesn’t want their child to spend nearly $200 on a blanket so they can wrap up in it, and then spend the post-holiday hours and days wondering where they went wrong and somehow raised a schmuck who buys $200 blankets.

Oh, and don’t forget the pet gift guides! My God, how could these bloggers sleep at night if they weren’t linking $200 dog cameras so neurotic pet owners everywhere can watch their pets defecate on the floor while as owner slaves away at a 9-5 jobs in order to buy a $200 pet camera!

Being the largely popular blogger/influencer that I am, I’ve decided to jump on the bandwagon this year and give you, my wonderful readers who obviously can’t think for themselves some gift ideas for the special people and mongrels in your lives!

For Dad:

Duh.

For Mom:

A new CrockPot.

Because one of hers will only stay on “hot” and we can’t have any good Midwestern moms without a full arsenal of CrockPots! MamaG, did you decide which model you’d like to add to the collection?

Also hot this year for Mom?

Mostly just because she’s jealous of the gray ones Dad’s going to get.

For Pets:

A few drops into their food each day and you won’t have to worry about a pet gift guide next year! (I know I’m going to catch hell for this one, but I never claimed to be a moral compass, OK?)

-Beverly “I Refuse To Click Your Links” Goldenstein