Shrapnel

Have you ever been making dinner in an open pan, then dropped a glass of wine due to the condensation on the outside of the glass because you set it in the freezer for a while for an extra chill, and then the wine glass and the wine went all over your counter, your stovetop, the Target box containing some Frozen II coloring books for your cousin’s kids’ birthday gifts, and your (freshly-mopped.. like literally mopped an hour ago) floor?

And then you had a split second thought about burning your house down/melting your face off because there’s alcohol near your open gas flame and then you tried to clean most of it up and realized there was a piece of glass in the PAN where you were warming up a tortilla for a Brie, caramelized onion, pear, and arugula quesadilla so then you threw away one tortilla and just hoped for the best after adding in all new ingredients?

Because I have.

Coworkers: if I don’t show up to work today, send someone to my address to break in. (Someone with a strong stomach, because they may find me bleeding from the esophagus in my bed. I’d think it’d at least be internal bleeding, but probably not the most fun way to start one’s day. I did put on cute pajamas last night.)

Maude: if you need any last minute gift ideas for me, I’ll take a new wine glass to match the ones you got me last year. And potentially a new esophagus.

Cousins: if your kids’ Frozen II coloring books smell like rosé… well, I bet you’re probably half expecting that. (Remember that time I spilled wine all over the children’s library books in my trunk? Oh, remind me to tell you that one.)

All: Make yourself a Brie, caramelized onion, pear, and arugula quesadilla on a Tuesday night, man. Decadent. Hold the glass.

(I’m kidding, MamaG- I’m 99% sure I didn’t eat any glass (I thoroughly inspected the pan before I put in my 2nd tortilla.)¹

-Bev “This Shit Literally Only Happens to Me” Goldenstein

¹I also re-scrubbed that area of the floor, Mom. Because I know that would have kept you up more than the whole potential internal bleeding thing.