Secret Santa

Many of us just wrapped up our final week of work before the new year and, with the holiday season, often comes the good ol’ Secret Santa gift exchange at work. I like the idea of Secret Santa. I really do. But I haven’t participated for many years for many reasons.

#1: Since most offices put price limits on the gifts, I’ve mostly seen Secret Santas where you buy/receive a $5 or less gift each day. Which basically means coffee and/or candy. And you know what? I don’t need a bag of Skittles or a hazelnut latte every day.  I very (very) rarely buy myself candy and if someone else bought it for me, I’d just… eat it. My diet is already an absolute dumpster fire in December, man.

#2: I had a negative experience once, long ago. Basically, some asshole in my office drew my name and he gave me a bunch of shitty gifts. Starting off with some M&Ms from the office vending machine that were at least five years old. Keep in mind I don’t like chocolate, and I’m 100% certain that M&Ms were nowhere on my list. He also gave me a (super ugly) pair of homemade gloves; a clear regift. And then my final “big” gift? A gift card to my favorite liquor store. Yay, right? Totally, except the gift card had a zero balance, which was super fun to find out at the checkout counter of said liquor store.

#3: If I wanted a daily surprise this time of year, I’d just buy myself an Elf on the Shelf, get drunk, and hide it from myself every night.

OK, Sharon?

-Beverly “I’ll Buy My Own $5 Lattes” Goldenstein