Exterior Illumination

Anastasia and I recently drove around to judge the shit out of look at Christmas lights around OurCity.

It never ceases to amaze me that people will go out and spend the time (and money) to put up lights, only for it to turn out looking like a blind penguin on LSD decorated their yard. I mean… Listen, Larry, I appreciate your effort (I really do) but have SOME kind of a plan, man.

Anastasia and I decided that we’re going to make a voting/feedback system for next year. We’re going to buy some darts on Amazon and attach some colored ribbons with constructive criticism. Think 4-H ribbons with a twist (and the potential to maim)…

White ribbon/flag goes to Wayne and Barb who mix old-school white lights with LEDs. Feedback? Pick a lane, Wayne! (I didn’t mean for this to rhyme, but I like it)

Red ribbon to Todd who mixes both white and colored lights as well as twinkling and non. Feedback? You’re doing too much, Todd! 

Blue ribbon to everyone with any kind of consistency. Feedback? My OCD appreciates you, Rob! Keep up the great work!

Purple ribbons? The highest ribbon dart one can receive? These are reserved for people who: have all-white, very symmetrical decor. Feedback? Yes, Mark, yes! Also, those with the old-school colored bulbs. Feedback? Chris and Diane, you are out here doing the Lord’s work! And to anyone who just goes balls to the wall. Abominable Snowman blow up? Yep. Dancing penguins around an ice rink? Yep. Santa and the reindeer blinking on the roof? You got it. Feedback? NAILED IT, FRANK AND PATTI!

While Anastasia and I perfect the dart designs for next year, I’d like to leave you with some photos of the treasures we found on our Christmas light cruise this year. Ribbon rank and feedback included.

Red Ribbon. Feedback? Guys, what did Olaf do to be so harshly judged by Snoopy? Hopefully he can earn Snoopy’s respect back by next Christmas to bring a more harmonious holiday in 2020!

Purple Ribbon. Feedback? Don’t change a thing!

Purple Ribbon. Feedback? Keep up the great work, Jerry and Liz! Let us know if we can help out with the electric bill!

Red Ribbon. Feedback? We call this The Nope.

Purple Ribbon. Feedback? Perfection.

Red Ribbon. Feedback? Is this Halloween or Christmas, Jeff? This is creepy, man.

White Ribbon. Feedback? Really, Steve? Rope lights? Come on, bro. Also, for the love of everything holy, please center your American flag. You’re committing treason!

Red Ribbon. Feedback? Who the hell is this girl?

Red Ribbon. Feedback? Well, this doesn’t seem very Christ-like…

Purple Ribbon. Feedback? Puttin’ on a CLINIC, John and Marsha! Bravo!

Red Ribbon. Feedback? Do the Charlotte Hornets live here now? If so, we’ll upgrade you to a blue ribbon if Muggsy Bogues stands out front in a Santa hat.

White Ribbon. Feedback? Excuse me, officer? I’d like to report a heinous white on white (on white) crime.

What are your Christmas light opinions? And please comment on this post to pre-order Bevastasia’s Customizable Judgey Christmas Ribbon Darts.

This photo isn’t of anyone’s Christmas lights, but it’s of the inside of my car because I was trying to take a picture of one of Anastasia’s neighbor’s shitty lights when she noticed the neighbor walking out the door so I had to abort the mission.

-Beverly “Constantly Judging You (and your lights)” Goldenstein