Arachnophobia

Well, I’ve mentioned a few times now that there’s a bit of a spider issue here at Casa de Goldenstein. The terror threat level was elevated from its previous orange to red this morning, when, before I left for work, I decided to try out my new indoor/outdoor spider-killer spray. All was well, until the spray was apparently like candy to a spider lurking behind the baseboard of my bathroom, and that son of a bitch came storming out to beat hell. And this one wasn’t small like all the other millions hundreds tens I’ve already found and killed. THIS was a big guy. I didn’t even get a chance to kill it, because I was so stunned/scared/disgusted, and he got away (and has literally haunted me for the last 12 hours).

In order to combat this problem, I have tried quite a few things over the last 2 weeks or so…I’ve been hyper-vigilant about cleaning, not keeping food out, etc. Then, my dad vacuumed up all the cobwebs in the basement laundry room adjacent to my apartment this weekend. I paid him in cigarettes to not tell me how many spiders he found in the process. Things took a turn this morning, though, and now I find myself immediately walking into the center of every room, then stopping to survey for spiders anywhere around me. I shake everything before I put it on. Slippers, shake. Gym clothes, shake. Flip-flops, shake. I will most definitely be shaking out my sheets before I go to bed tonight. We’re at the point where literally everything I see, feel, and hear is a spider. That darker spot on the granite countertop? Spider. The string on the inside of your sock? Spider. The little piece of cilantro that fell off onto the top shelf of your fridge? Spider. The upstairs neighbor’s vacuum running? Spider, coming to kill you with his bare hands. And not just any spider, but giganto-spider from my bathroom this morning. I haven’t used the bathroom since I’ve been home after work, and have seriously contemplated peeing in the backyard. This is not a drill.

The good news is… I’ve also been working for a few weeks now on perfecting the perfect alcohol + melatonin combination so that I can actually sleep in these terrifying conditions. This is also extra motivation to make it to my morning gym classes now, as that means I can shower and get ready at the gym, and avoid possibly stepping out of the shower (with a wet, bare foot) on to giganto-spider. I almost started crying when I typed that. (Yes, I do see the inherent problem in the alcohol + melatonin combo, followed by the 5am alarm clock for gym class. It’s gonna have to work)

So, here I am, spending my evening with this big jug of spider spray and several other big jugs of Tecate Light, Rosè, Lambic, and possibly siphoning gasoline out of my own vehicle if I see any arachnids before I go to bed tonight. 

Prayers appreciated.

-Bev Orkin